Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 20: Jess

"Are you really shocked about what I used to be like?" He murmured into my hair as we held each other.
I thought about his question. Maybe I should be shocked, but I wasn't. It came down to the same thing. I could only judge Jonah on the evidence I had. "I know what you're like now and that's all that really matters to me."
"The knife thing, I mean, it wasn't just me. There were plenty of other kids I knew who carried them. It started out that you had it for defence. That's what everyone said. You heard someone had a knife, so you made sure you had one in case they set on you, but I can see now that before you know it everyone thinks they're defending themselves when actually they are on the attack. With a temper like mine it was a really stupid thing to do."
"But you were just a kid. Sounds like most of the time you were just doing what you thought your dad wanted anyway." I had always followed what my dad wanted me to do without question – how could I judge Jonah for doing the same thing? He'd carried the burden of all that stuff that had he'd been through and was still begging my forgiveness.
"Jonah. Will you listen to me? You don't need to keep explaining and apologising. I think I get it now. And it doesn't sound like the stuff that went on in Manchester was your fault. You were in a bad situation, surrounded by bad people. Please let it go. This is about who are now. And you are the best person I know."
He smiled at me and pulled me even closer. I could tell he didn't believe me. Maybe it would take him a long time to realise that the past was in the past and that it didn't need to shape the adult he would become.
I thought about my part in all of this. His mum had been dying and I hadn't even bothered to talk to him to find out the truth about was going on. Instead I had made a snap judgement about him. I was as bad as Dad. "Anyway, I need to apologise, too. I jumped to conclusions. I didn't talk to you or ask you to explain what was going wrong. I was too ready to think the worst of you. Even though you had told me enough times that there was nothing going on between you and Lauren, I still didn't believe you. I am truly sorry for that."
He held me again and kissed me. "None of it matters now."
I kissed him back, trying to show him in that kiss just how special I thought he was.
When we heard my parents return, we sprang away from each other. The last ten minutes had felt simple, but I knew it was about to get a lot more complicated. Jonah looked as if he wanted to make a run for it, but I held on to his hand.
I knew I didn't deserve this amazing man, but for some reason he seemed to want me and I was going to fight to have him in my life. This time I wouldn't hide. It was time to start facing things. So I kept hold of his hand as my parents walked into the kitchen.
I didn't give them a chance to speak. "You remember Jonah." It was a statement, not a question. Of course they remembered him. "We've just sorted out some misunderstandings. We are going to be seeing more of each other. Tomorrow he's going to pick me up and we're going to the hospital. His mum's very ill." I couldn't tell whether it was my parents or Jonah who looked more stunned.
Mum recovered first. "Jonah. Of course. It's lovely to see you again. I am so sorry to hear about your mother."
He managed strangled thanks.
Dad had said nothing yet but the top of his bald head was turning red, which was never a good sign. "I am not happy about..." he began and I prepared myself for a rant. But Mum put a hand on his arm, which seemed to stop him.
I led Jonah to the front door, while my parents watched silently. "Is that OK? Do you mind me seeing your mum? I just want to try and make up for what's happened. Will it help if I come with you?"
He smiled one of those trademark grins that I had missed so much and bent his head to mine to whisper, "That would be absolutely wonderful. Thank you Jess. Thank you for everything."
I shook my head. He just didn't get it at all. He had nothing to thank me for. "Pick me up from here about six. After your training and my lesson. Does that fit with visiting hours?" He nodded and I squeezed his hand. He was quiet but his eyes said everything that was needed.
Then he was gone and I had to face my parents who were clearly waiting to fire a million questions at me.
"Sit down. Now." The firmness in Dad's voice seemed to wake me up. I felt my courage dissipate, leaving me feeling like a naughty kid again. "I cannot believe that you wait until we are out, when you are supposed to be babysitting your little sister, and let that boy into our house. After all he's done..."
I couldn't handle him having a go at Jonah after what I had just heard. "All he's done? He's done nothing except go along with your crazy plan to get me taking up a hobby. Apart from that he has been nothing but kind and honest with me. It was me who lied about the gig. I left but he insisted he saw me safely home. He would never have let me come home on my own."
"You expect us to believe that? After you were so distraught that night? What is it? What hold has he got on you that you feel you have to defend him?" His tone changed, as he peered at me "Is it... is it...drugs?"
"Dad, give me more credit than that. If you won't trust him, at least trust me. I plan to carry on seeing him whatever you say." I marvelled that I sounded just like a rebellious teenager. It wasn't surprising Dad thought I was on drugs.
"Are you forgetting this is the same kid who started a fight at your school? Who is involved with drugs and knives? You must think we're stupid if we are going to let you anywhere near him."
"The fight was because he was defending me, Dad. He told me about what went on when he lived in Manchester. That was more about his dad than him and his dad's isn't around anymore."
"And that's supposed to reassure me!"
"Dad, if I'm stuck on a maths problem, you've always told me to look at the facts. Well that's what I'm doing now. The facts are that Jonah has only acted in a thoughtful, kind and gentle way towards me. He's helped me with the running, and he's been my friend. He is still beating himself up for what went on in the past, but he isn't that boy anymore. People change and kids grow up."
"As if that makes the slightest bit of difference! Kids like that don't change for the better."
"Dad, he's living with Max Jepson now. You know him don't you? He does most of the fund-raising at the school. Do you really think he'd let someone violent and into drugs live at his house?"
Mum spoke up for the first time. "She has a point, Andrew."
Dad thumped his fist on the table making me jump. "You are not having anything to do with that boy. Especially at the moment, with the entrance exam..."
"I know!" I was practically screaming! "I know about the EXAM! Do you think I ever forget about the bloody exam? I am fully aware that in four weeks and three days I have that interview. What I am trying to tell you is that Jonah helps me with that. I can forget about it for a bit when I'm with him. He helps me to see things differently."
"Don't make me laugh. He is a drop-out. He'll be lucky to get out of school with a single  GCSE. He's never going to amount to anything, even if he can win a few high school races. I can tell you right now where he's going to be in ten years' time. But where you'll be – that's worth fighting for. He isn't."
I stepped forward, not sure whether I was going to walk out or shout in his face but Mum stopped me. 
"Enough." We both looked at Mum. I couldn't remember hearing that tone in her voice before. "It's time I had my say about all this. Since we're talking about people changing, a few months ago I saw a change in you Jessica, and I think that was mainly caused by Jonah."
Dad nodded smugly.
"I've seen you study less," she went on, "I've seen you cheerful one minute and morose the next. I saw you rushing out the door in the mornings to go running and return with a spring in your step. I think all that was caused by Jonah."
"Exactly," Dad interrupted. "Her studies are suffering."
"No. That is not my point. For the first time our daughter, our wonderful, special, clever daughter has been acting like a kid. I thought she was born aged thirty, but finally she's been acting like a teenager."
I gaped at her.
"Don't get me wrong, my love." She touched my hand. "I'd love you whatever, but sometimes it would be nice if you didn't feel you had to take life so seriously." She glanced at Dad. "From the day we were called into school and told you were gifted, it's always been you and your Dad scheming about maths. I never had a chance to do all the silly kiddie things I get to do with Amelia so it was such a relief to see you living a normal life. Then, after you went out that night with him, you suddenly went all the way back again. Lost in your numbers. Which is fine if it makes you happy, but I don't want you to waste an opportunity."
"I know – I shouldn't waste the chance to go to Cambridge."
"No. You're not listening. Don't waste the chance to be young. To have fun, to fall in love with a handsome boy." I blushed. "I can't believe I'm saying this, given all we know about his history, but maybe you're right. We should look at what we see when we meet him now. He's charming and bright. Being around him seems to light you up like I have never seen before. And most of all, you trust him. It's about time we started listening to our clever girl's instincts. If you say he's OK, maybe that has to be enough for us. It may not last forever, but for once I think you need to stop planning for the future or fretting about the past and start living in the now. Andrew, this girl's problem is that she is too diligent. She's going to make herself ill if she carries on pushing herself like she has been doing. Let her take some risks."
Dad still didn't look happy, but he'd gone quiet. She went to him and put her hand on his shoulder. "The thing is, Andrew, I have got a feeling she is going to do what she wants whatever we say." And she smiled at me like she was pleased with this idea.
I had always thought she favoured Amelia because I was not enough for her, but maybe I was too much. I thought of all those times Dad and I had poured over a maths problem, ignoring her as she served up the dinner. I had never realised that she wanted to be part of my life. I had never even noticed. Yet still she said that I was special and wonderful. I thought about Jonah's parents and began to know what he meant about my perfect family.
I hugged Mum. "I don't want to upset either of you, but I am going to spend time with Jonah no matter what. And I am still going to study and he is still going to qualify for the championships. Thanks for understanding."
I walked out before Dad could point out that he didn't really understand. And when I got to my room there was already a text waiting for me from Jonah.
The next evening Jonah rang the doorbell at the agreed time, and was waiting for me with a smile that was maybe slightly nervous. Mum and Dad were hovering about but I'd made sure I was ready on time so I could open the door and leave without getting into any discussions.
I held his hand as we walked to the bus stop, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, even though the gentle caress of his thumb sent shivers all over my body. We didn't say much – we just smiled at each other a lot. And as we trudged through the cold, drizzly night, I thought that maybe this was the best ten minutes of my life. Whatever happened in the future, at this moment we understood each other and life was good.
On the way to the hospital, he told me more about that awful night when his mum was taken ill. I wished he'd phoned me at the time, but I began to understand his deluded reasoning in cutting me off. It was flattering I suppose, but still he had way too high an opinion of me. I told him that I would never have walked away because of his mum, and he nodded and rested his head against mine as if he knew that now.
I was nervous about meeting his mum. I mean, I don't imagine any new girlfriend looks forward to meeting the mother of an only son, but our circumstances weren't exactly normal. I wondered if we had misjudged the situation and she'd be embarrassed for me to see her in hospital.
She was awake when we got there. It was clear she was still very frail, but someone had brushed her hair and she had on some make-up and she smiled the loveliest smile when she saw us together.
"It's wonderful to meet you," she croaked at me.
"Her throat's still scratched from the tube they had to put down." Jonah said.
"It nice to meet you too, Mrs Taylor. I am sorry it's in these circumstances."
She shook her head, "Me too, honey."
"You're looking so much better, Mum."
She smiled, "I think it's what Max would call a miracle."
"Has he visited today?"
"He came in earlier." She smiled softly.
I wondered about this father of Lauren's who seemed to have only love and patience for the woman who had betrayed him. There was nothing sweet or loving about Lauren. Maybe it skipped a generation.
Mrs Taylor shifted in the bed and winced. I realised she was nowhere near as well as she made out. Jonah talked about his running, and Saturday's race. She listened and nodded in all the right places but it was obvious she was tired, so we left not long afterwards.
At first Jonah was still excited and chatty as we left the hospital. His relief that his mum was recovering was clear, and he told me it was also great to have me there with him. But he gradually grew quieter and quieter.
"What's the matter?"
He looked at me and I thought he was going to deny that there was anything wrong, but he surprised me. "What am I going to do, Jess? They'll try to send Mum home as soon as they can. They think I am eighteen. They'll expect me to look after her. And I will. But..."
"But that's too much responsibility for you to take on, on your own?"
He nodded. "I can't even say it out loud. She's my mum, I should be looking after her, but I don't know if I can stop her from sending herself straight back to hospital."
I thought for a moment. It was too much for him to carry alone. "Maybe you should talk to Max."