Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 16: Jess

I know there are all those clichés about girls thinking they had brilliant first dates and then he never calls. But I had never imagined Jonah would be like that. There was one text asking me to come over. Then nothing. I checked my phone twenty times that Sunday. I switched it off and switched it on again to make sure it was still working. The memory of those kisses faded fast. I questioned how I had got it so wrong again. And I went and hid in some calculus.
It was ironic that I had been so worried about how we'd handle Monday morning on the bus. I didn't know if we'd still ignore each other, or if he would sit with me. I had been trying to prepare myself for either option, working out which I would find more embarrassing. I never suspected that he just wouldn't turn up at all.
Then, as the bus pulled up at the school, I realised that there was only one explanation for his absence. He wouldn't have said all that stuff on Saturday night just to dump me the next day, would he? No, he must be lying in hospital somewhere, and I was such a horrible person that all I had done was think the worst of him. I would text him as soon as I got off the bus and check he was OK. I would ask at the school reception. The office staff would have heard something.
I was heading that way when I saw him.
He was getting out of a car with Lauren. He leant back through the passenger window to talk to a guy who must have been Lauren's father. They looked like they knew each other well. Lauren grabbed his hand to pull him into school. I turned away quickly before he saw me and slipped into the building. I couldn't believe what I had seen. He knew that Lauren was my insecurity. He had assured me they weren't together and I'd ignored the doubt and the instinct that he wasn't telling me everything. He had made an idiot of me again.
At least it was maths with my tutor first period. I could funnel all my thoughts down to just numbers. Numbers didn't mess you around.
I got there early to make sure I didn't meet Jonah arriving for his lesson in the room opposite. Of course, I wasn't going to confront him. That wasn't my way. Sir looked worried the minute he walked in. He didn't try to break it to me gently. He just silently handed me the paper from a fortnight ago. I'd got a C.
My grades had slipped a bit before, but only in the sample papers at Degree level. This was an easy test, barely A-level standard, and I'd got a C. I don't remember ever getting less than 90% in a test. But I'd got a C. I just stared at the red letter and swallowed.
"I really was surprised Jessica," he said, "I checked and rechecked it several times to make sure I hadn't mismarked something. But the truth is there are basic errors. Do you have any idea what happened?"
I did. I knew exactly what had happened. We'd sat that test the afternoon Jonah was running round the track. I could see him from my seat by the window. I remember I kept glancing over at him. Then I'd day-dreamed a bit and recalled every conversation we'd ever had. On reflection, it should have been a surprise to even get a C.
"I...I suppose I had an off day. I think I was feeling a bit ill when I took it."
Sir looked over his glasses at me. "You do realize the entrance exam is not long after Christmas? Now is not the time to be making mistakes."
I sucked in my breath and said nothing, not knowing if I let that breath out whether I'd cry or scream. Of course I knew the exam was approaching far too fast. Didn't he realize that was all I ever heard about at home and at school? I held it together enough to nod. I think I even tried to smile as I said we had better get down to work. I sat through that lesson and did a brilliant impression of listening and learning. Finally the bell went and I snatched the paper out of his hand and left the room as fast as I could with my head down to avoid Jonah. Who was I kidding anyway? He was clearly avoiding me. He must have thought our date was awful. He probably couldn't wait to get away and thought the only way I would take the hint was if he ignored me.
Then there was the C. How was I going to explain that to my parents? I stopped feeling sorry for myself and felt angry with Jonah instead. How could he lead me on like that? How could I let him ruin my plans so quickly? I had never asked for him to weasel his way into my life and play with my head. It was just the same as after the gig, but a million times worse. When would I learn?
I ducked into the girls' loos and hid in a cubicle, leaning against the door and frantically going through the test paper blinking at the stupid mistakes I'd made. I hadn't taken any notice of the girls at the mirrors as I'd barged my way past them, but I recognised the loudest voice. It was Lauren. I froze.
"Yeah, he does look very fit in his boxers, course he does, but that's no surprise is it?"
"And he's actually moved in with you?" Chloe said.
"Yeah, I mean we've always been close, Jonah and me, but now, with everything that's happened it's like we've reached another level. We were talking last night till really late. It's like we really understand each other, like we know what each other's thinking, n'everything."
I listened in horror to Lauren. What did she mean everything that's happened? Nothing had happened apart from a date with me. Were my instincts right and it had all been a set up from the start? He'd gone over to Lauren's afterwards to laugh about me with her. Jonah just knew how to make a girl feel special and I had fallen for it like an idiot? They began to talk about Chloe's latest love interest and then I heard the door swing as they left.
And still holding that test paper in my hand I walked into the lobby, waited till an adult pinned in the exit code and followed them out through the front doors of the school.
I didn't stop to see if anyone had noticed and come after me. I didn't particularly rush. I just knew I couldn't stay in that place a moment longer without hurting someone. Maybe Jonah, maybe Lauren. More likely myself.
I was stupid. The test result proved it. Falling for Jonah's lies proved it. I walked. Keeping pace to the chanting in my head, 'Idiot. Thought you were so clever. Thought you were special. Idiot.'
I didn't realize I was at Amelia's nursery till I was there at the railings. I could see her poking a stick into a sandpit with an intent look on her face. Then another girl ran up and grabbed her hand and the sandpit was forgotten. They whirled around, consumed in some imaginary game. I couldn't remember nursery school but I would put money on it that I would never have put that stick down to run around with someone else. I had always been wrapped up in myself and my own thoughts. The world had kept telling me that I was wrong to be like that but maybe this whole thing with Jonah had just proved that I had been right all along. I was only ever going to be the same – introverted and alone except for my numbers.
So I trudged home. I made Mum jump out of her skin when I let myself in. She didn't hear me come in over the vacuum cleaner. She just left the Hoover running and hugged me. And I cried long and hard. She rang school (no one had noticed I'd gone – why wasn't I surprised?). When I had calmed down a bit I handed her the test paper and she didn't know what to say. I told her that I knew I had been distracted. I told her that I was nervous that I wouldn't pass the exam unless I worked harder and had more time to focus. I suggested that having to spend time on meaningless subjects like History was just diverting me from my goal. Wouldn't it be a good idea for me to spend the next few weeks at home studying? My tutor was away. It was the run up to Christmas and everyone knew that loads of lessons were substituted with plays and talent shows and all that time-wasting festive stuff. I wouldn't really be missing much. I planted all this and left her to think about it (and to prime Dad) and then I pleaded a headache and switched my phone off and curled up on my bed.
They agreed with me. I knew they would. They told school I was ill (easier than negotiating time off, Dad reasoned). I didn't argue. I kept my phone off. After that one day of sleep, I worked. I studied and studied and when I had been through every book I owned, I signed up to maths workshops on line. I joined maths forums and worked out any obscure puzzles I could. And any time that voice in my head reminded that I was an idiot, I worked that much faster and solved the problem that much more efficiently. If Jonah contacted the house I wasn't told about it. I kept my phone off, and never checked the social media sites I knew he used. I did my best to wipe him from my memory. It worked. If he crept into my consciousness when I tried to fall asleep I just got up and starting working again. It was now weeks, not months until the interview day and I wasn't going to let him ruin my chances. My bubble was back and it was stronger than ever. This time I wasn't letting anyone in.