Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 24: Jess

I was still smarting with anger as we walked home. I was angry with him for planning this small life for us, for imagining a world where I became just another graduate and even his running was forgotten. He wanted me to give up and stay here. He thought he knew best, just like Dad always thought he knew best. It started with expressing concern and ended with making life decisions for me.
My anger faded into lethargy as I wondered what I really wanted anyway. I had spent so long thinking about my studies that I seemed to have forgotten how to actually think for myself. Because when he'd talked about staying, for a split second I pictured what next year could be like. I could stay at home. With Amelia there and my new-found awesome Mum. And I would still be able to see Jonah all the time. As angry as I was with him, Christmas without him had been unbearable. We needed each other. I knew that if we lasted until September it would be so hard to leave him. It would be so much easier to stay here.
And I hated him for giving me that vision and for making the idea of going to Cambridge, which had always felt like it would be the start of my life, feel like I might just be slamming a door shut on everything else. But I couldn't give up now, not when it was so close. Not over a teenage fling. That's all this was, wasn't it? A teenage crush that I'd forget once I started my new life.
I couldn't understand my feelings and I was grateful to him for his silence. He clung to my hand and we plodded on through the chill wind, I couldn't stop shivering.
I was numb when we got to my door but we paused a minute to look at each other. He looked so handsome standing there and I remembered his funny dancing at the party and I knew that he had broken his cool cover just to make me laugh. I put my hand to his face and he held it there and closed his eyes, his lashes dark and thick against his cheek. It felt like the end of something and I wanted to cry.
"Jess." He spoke huskily. "I don't want to lose you. I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot."
I smiled sadly. "There you go again, using that idiot line to try and convince me otherwise. You're not an idiot. And I need to apologise, too. I said some pretty awful things back there. I know you were just trying to help."
He said nothing and we stood together like that while icy sleet began to slide down our cheeks. I wasn't expecting him to say it. Not then. Not after yet another row. "I love you, Jess."
My eyes snapped open. I thought we were going to break up and there he was saying those words. He smiled at me but it didn't reach his eyes. "I've never said that to anyone before. I love you."
Is that what this was, this desperate state of anticipation and worry and joy and grief and excitement? Was I in love, too? Was I kidding myself that these feelings would go away one day, just as quickly as they had arrived? I studied his face. I couldn't bear to hurt him. He was everything to me and it scared me.
"Nothing changes, Jess. I'm coming over on Sunday to study. I'm not walking away from us."
The relief washed over me. Though the old temptation to get the pain over with and never see him again still lingered in the background. "Good." I breathed out.
He kissed me very slowly and tenderly, leaving tingles all over my body.
And we did go back to normal after that. Almost. I stepped up the work and he stepped up the training. I was so pleased that I was at the event where he got his best qualifying time. He finished the race and stared at the time board as if someone had made it up, and I surprised myself by being the one pushing past people to get to him and hug him first, not thinking until afterwards about the show I'd made of myself, only thinking about him and being part of his moment. That's how I got through those weeks – by living just in that moment, not thinking about what lay ahead.
Then, too quickly the day of the interview arrived.
From the start it was disappointing. On a day when I needed to be seduced by Cambridge, the city left me cold. Literally. It was damp and grey and the chill set into my bones. I was miserable. I was there alone. That wasn't what they'd wanted. If I had let them, Dad and Jonah would have both been with me. Dad would have been testing me on the way there with sample questions. Jonah would have been rubbing my back trying to keep me calm. But in the end I had stood up to them both and for some reason I told them this was something I needed to do alone.
Jonah had sent me a message wishing me luck and I had rung him from the coach to quieten my nerves and just to listen to his voice. When I got off the phone, I wondered again about us. He had given me the space I needed over the last few weeks. He hadn't tried to interfere again. Instead he had completely supported and encouraged me, and I realised that maybe he wasn't trying to control me like my Dad.
Or maybe they were the same. Because maybe Dad wasn't trying to control me either. Dad acted out of love. Even if he got it wrong sometimes, he only wanted to help me. I wondered if I had let Dad make decisions for me in the past because it was safer than making decisions for myself. So should I retreat or attack in this university battle? And what was the victory I wanted? I had been furious about Jonah trying to plan the next year for me, for us, even as I let myself dream that I could stay with him and with my family. Everything that had always been so clear was now hopelessly murky.
Was I pinning too much on Jonah and me? Everything was so intense between us. Was that just a sign that we would burn out quickly, too? It wasn't that we didn't understand each other. I felt like we knew each other too well, we saw through each other's defences. But those defences had been built so long ago that having someone knocking them down made us feel too vulnerable. Or maybe it was just me who felt like that.
Anyway, like always, he was a distraction. That day had been so important that it had made my heart race to think about it. But now I was here and all I could think about him. Us. What we were doing and where we were headed. Where I was headed.
The bus pulled up on the outskirts of town at the college where the exam was being held. It was a building made up of a series of grey boxes circa 1980. Another romantic idea vanished. I had imagined the punts going by, the women in their ball dresses, the sun shining on the ancient architecture. Not this. I had pictured myself in hushed, oak panelled rooms, the dust the only thing stirring in the hazy sunlight. Instead I ended up sitting in a hall just like the one at school at a wobbly exam table, finding it hard to focus on the numbers that usually came so naturally.
Then there was an awkward lunch. It wasn't clear who was a candidate or not, and whether we were being assessed at our social skills at lunch or whether it was genuinely a time to relax. As a consequence a shrill tension strung the air. Some people were too loud and raucous, while most, like me, sat silently chewing on their food and trying not to choke.
Finally the interview. A group of us sat in a corridor waiting to be called. By now everyone else had found someone to talk to. No one else seemed to be simultaneously covered in goose bumps and sweating through her badly chosen black suit. I stared at my lap and wondered what I was doing here. I imagined Jonah beside me, and thought about what he'd say to make me laugh.
He'd have spotted the earnest nerds, eager to dispense their superior knowledge. He would have picked out Spencer, who was wearing a dashing bow tie and blazer and speaking with a loud American accent and an unfortunate lisp. Jonah would have wondered what the scary-looking girl with the bleached hair, nose ring and tattoos would have looked like in her Year Seven school photo. And he would have loved the two women in floral skirts and pastel twinsets who looked more like fifty than seventeen.
I sat there feeling very young and very small. What would the other candidates be thinking of me if they took the time to notice me? I wanted to stand up and tell them that I had a gorgeous, cool boyfriend, and that he said he loved me, and actually maybe that was worth a whole lot more than getting a place on this snobby course. As I waited, I remembered how it felt to be alone again and how amazing it felt to be with Jonah. He made me feel like I was more than I was and like none of my fears mattered because he was with me. 
"Jessica Mulligan?" A tall woman with grey hair was calling me into the interview room. When I stood she shook my hand and said, "Ah, Jessica, we have been so looking forward to meeting you."
I was sure that fifteen heads swivelled in my direction with envy in their eyes. They hadn't said anything like that to anyone else before. It gave me the confidence to follow my interrogator into the room. The interview was about to happen and yet somehow I didn't need to remind myself to breathe.
There were three of them sitting in the small room in which every surface was piled with papers. At last, somewhere that looked like academia. I shook their hands, hoping they wouldn't notice how clammy mine were and sank into the plastic chair in the middle of the room.
"So, explain to us why you want a place here?"
I knew it would be the first question. I knew the answer I rehearsed. I could make several succinct points easily. But I hesitated. Into my head flashed images of Jonah, Amelia and Mum and Dad. I parroted the reasons I had learnt.
"You are a special case. Have you any reservations about starting university early?"
Again the same images and again I told them how I wanted to finally be able to immerse myself in my studies and referred to my tutor's references speaking of my maturity beyond my years.
They asked me about maths, of course, and then I felt I could fly. It was so refreshing to talk about it with people who understood it so well and could challenge my thinking. They asked me a few more detailed questions and I asked about the possibility of emailing them my conclusions when I had worked on the problems in more depth. They seemed impressed.
Then the part I'd dreaded. In as nice a way as possible they asked how I would cope with the pressures of university life, what did I do to relax? I told them I loved watching sports, especially athletics. I read and listened to music. I boldly, and rather smugly, told them my boyfriend made sure I shut the books every so often.
All of a sudden it was the question I knew would be the last one.
"If you were offered a place, would you accept it?"
It was a technicality for them. People didn't turn down a place that thousands had scrambled for. So I really don't know why I didn't answer straight away. Nor did I expect it to be the only question that made my throat close up and my heart race in that familiar, terrifying way. All I could do was move my head.
"I'm sorry, what are you saying?"
I squeaked my reply.
I walked out of there shaking. I had to return my name card and then I was free to go. I went to the bathroom and rinsed my face. I looked awful. I felt awful. What had happened to me in there? Then I reminded myself it was over. I stared at the bus timetable in my hand, but my eyes wouldn't focus. Even though it was steadily raining I decided wait outside until a bus turned up.
When I stepped out in the lobby I thought I was hallucinating. Standing with his back to me was an unusually tall man. Even without seeing his face I knew he would be heart-stoppingly handsome. Then he turned round and saw me and grinned that grin that I would walk a thousand miles to see. I ran to him and pressed my face into him as he hugged me.
"Jonah. How did you get here?" How did he know to ignore my demands for him not to come and turn up just when I needed him? I clung to him and breathed him in. He smiled at me and I wanted to stay in that moment.
"So? How was it?" He raised an eyebrow.
"It was weird. But I think it went OK. I'll find out in a couple of weeks."
He scooped me up and kissed me right there in the lobby. I hoped some of fellow interviewees saw. I was proud to be with this man. We could make this work. I knew we could.
He stepped back and looked at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
"What is it?" I asked.
"I haven't seen you smile like that before."
"What do you mean?"
"You look wonderful. Not to say you don't usually, but finally that little line that you get between your eyes when you're worrying has gone. You look properly relaxed. You're happy here. It must have gone well."
He sounded slightly dejected as he said the last bit.
I moved closer to him. "Don't you get it? It's not this place that's made me feel like this. You should have seen me an hour ago. I was a basket case. It's you, Jonah, it's you who takes all the worries away. I love you Jonah."
For once, he had nothing to say.
"Isn't that good news?" I teased.
He reached for me again until we were as close as we could be without kissing. He stared into my eyes. "I don't think I will ever believe that you, Jessica Mulligan, could be in love with someone like me."
I closed my eyes, ready to argue with him. He would never understand that I was the lucky one. Then I felt his fingertips gently touch my eyelids. "Open your eyes, Jess. I can't believe my luck. But I'm not going to question it anymore. I'm just going to enjoy it. I'm crazy about you. I love you, Jess." He kissed me more tenderly than I thought was possible.
"And you being here won't have to change anything.  It won't change how I feel about you."
"Mmm. That's what I need to talk to you about. I've been thinking."
"What does that mean?" I loved the way he looked so panicked.
"Well, I just told them that if I get offered a place I want to defer it for a year."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I want to have a year off. They'll keep the place open until I'm seventeen. I'll get to have a year hanging out with you."
He looked stunned. "You're kidding? I mean, is that OK? Will it be a problem?"
"Aren't you pleased?"
He grinned. "Pleased? I'm delighted. If you're sure that's what you really want."
I took his face in my hands. "Jonah, I have never been more sure of anything. I love you."