Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 11: Jonah

I'd hardly seen Jess since that day on the bus when she'd basically told me to piss off. I thought I knew her but I never realised she could be so cold, not with me at least. I had more training sessions and competitions. I was doing OK with my schoolwork and my running. Not great, just OK. But every time I trained I felt Jess's absence. I missed her friendship. She was the only person I had really learnt to trust in this new place.
My new friends were a good laugh, but that was as far as it went. I didn't talk to any of them about anything real, and anyway, they were wary of me now since the incident with Riley. I still tried to lose myself in partying like I used to in the old days back in Manchester, but it didn't work anymore. It all felt pretty lame and pointless. I couldn't hide the fact that I felt sort of empty and alone in a way that I hadn't felt when I had been hanging out with Jess.
The only distraction I had was my worry about Mum. She had been acting more and more strangely and it was getting harder to avoid the fact that she was drunk most of the time. That meant that the old dread had crept back. Much as I knew I needed to be there for her, I hated coming home. Every time I put the key in the door I had this split second when my imagination would run crazy and I believed that I would walk in the door and my world would have turned upside down again. I guess it was a throwback from that night in Manchester when Dad was caught, but I also had a sense that I was living on borrowed time and that payback was due for any good things that had happened in my life recently.
But it was more than my usual superstitious fear that I could feel when I walked in that night. I swear it felt like the house was bleeding a terrible sadness. Mum didn't call to me even though I could hear the TV blaring out. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't the type to come running to the door and make me a hot chocolate when I got home (I suspected Jess's mum did that), but she'd always call out. My stomach dropped to my knees and after the two seconds it took to confirm she wasn't in any of the downstairs rooms, I bounded upstairs. I found her lying on her bed. Tears were streaming down her face. She didn't turn to look at me and she didn't say a word. Next to her was the letter.
I recognised the writing straightaway. Funny that I remembered his writing better than his face. Probably because of all the scrawled notes he used to leave to say he had gone out and where to meet him. Still it was a shock to read his words though. Like hearing a voice from the grave. We had done a good job of convincing ourselves he was dead, or that he had never existed except as some twisted dream. Now he had found out somehow that we were here. Was it just a lucky guess, or had Mum been keeping in touch with him all along? Anyway, he wrote that he missed us, that he still loved us despite everything (as if we were as guilty as he was in some way), and that he was going to appeal against his sentence and then he wanted us all to be a happy family again. As if we ever had been.
I hardly had time to take it in when Mum groped for my arm, clumsily pulling herself up.
"It'll be OK Jonah," she whispered, "We'll be OK." But it wasn't clear whether she was reassuring herself or me. She leant closer and I smelt the booze on her breath. "I'll make us some food then, Mum." I sighed as I set off to make her something to sober her up. Her grief always took precedence over mine.
We didn't talk about her drinking or about Dad that night. When I came back with some toast and water for her, she was snoring, leaving me to brood on what would happen next. I knew we should leave. Just in case he was released and came to find us. I knew what would happen if he turned up. Mum would welcome him back once again. We would probably move back to Manchester and the whole crazy game would start again. But I wasn't a child anymore. There would be no happily ever after for my family. I tried to imagine going back to my old life. I missed Manchester, but not as much as I thought. I could see now the path I had been on and it would have ended in self-destruction. My life here was better. Duller, but better. I loved my running, I liked Mr Jacobs and Mrs Pollack and they seemed to actually believe I could achieve something. There were my new mates, too. But most of all there was Jess. It was stupid but even though she had made it clear what she thought of me, I didn't like the idea of never seeing her again.
By the next morning, I knew there was only one thing to do if I was going to rescue Mum and preserve my new life. So I swallowed my pride and texted Lauren. I asked her to talk to her dad, tell him that we needed his help. I figured if anyone could get through to Mum it would be Max, but I wasn't certain he'd want to get involved.
Mum and I played our usual roles that morning. She pretended to be coming down with 'flu, I acted like I hadn't noticed that she was hung-over, or that Dad was back in our lives. I went to school reluctantly, praying for the lifeline to be thrown to us. And when I got home Max was sitting at the kitchen table and I knew that we had a chance at least.
Max had changed a bit. The lines around his eyes and mouth had deepened, as if the sadness and anxiety of the last few years had etched themselves on his face. But his grey eyes still sparkled with energy and good humour. He still had a presence about him and seemed to emanate strength and security, and he was still wearing that worn out black leather biker jacket that I knew to be at least ten years old.
Max and Mum had a lot of history but I had a feeling he would come through for us, because it was no secret that Max had two serious weaknesses. The first was that he could never resist helping someone in need. The second was my mum.
I was relieved to see him, but I was surprised by how pleased I was to see him too. Max was basically a good guy who had fallen for the wrong woman and I'd missed him. I wanted to hug him, but felt foolish doing it. He'd been a better father to me when I lived with him than Dad had ever been. But I was very aware that we'd hurt him. I hovered in the kitchen doorway and clumsily waved a hand to him. He nodded a welcome to me, as if it had been days rather than years.
"Good to see you, Jonah. Wow, you've changed a bit. It was always obvious you'd be tall, but really, look at you. You must be well over six foot." I shrugged, uncomfortable to be reminded of the kid he'd known. "Lauren has been keeping me up to date with your running, too. I hear you're a bit of a legend at school."
What could I say to that? I was embarrassed, but still it felt kind of nice to know he was interested in how I was doing. "Look, sorry about asking you to come over."
"Jonah." He looked more serious now. "You did the right thing. You will always be family to me." I glanced away to splash the milk in the cups. I couldn't believe he could mean that after what we'd done.  "You did the right thing getting in touch. Wish you'd done it a few years ago, but you know, better late than never." He smiled as if to show there were no hard feelings.
"Mum hadn't been in contact at all before?"
"No," he laughed, and the way his eyes crinkled with warmth was so familiar. "I turned up today without checking with her first. She looked like she'd seen a ghost when she opened the door. Don't think she's too impressed. She's disappeared off to get changed."
I searched for a teaspoon, trying to move some of dirty plates and cans out of the way as I did so. I wondered why Mum was happy to leave Max sitting in this filthy kitchen but wasn't happy for him to see her.
"She doesn't look well Jonah."
How much did he know? He answered my unspoken question.
"Has she been drinking again?"
Again? How did Max know about her drinking? I remembered our time with Max like one of those old sunshine-seeped, childhood movies. Two kids running round a sunlit garden while their parents looked on fondly. I remembered only laughter and fun. I don't remember Mum ever being depressed or drunk.
Max was still waiting for my answer. He'd always had this same way of looking at me that just made me have to tell the truth. So I just nodded.
Max sighed and leant forward resting his head in his hands. He didn't say a word and neither did I.
Mum appeared five minutes later, wearing too much make-up and perfume, oblivious to our concern. She ruffled my hair and beamed at me like I was still a little kid. "Look Jonah, it's so exciting, Max is here. You remember Max, don't you?"
I could only nod. I wanted to tell her he was only here because I had sent for him, because I thought she desperately needed help and that he was the only one who might get through to her. I said nothing. It was heart-breaking to watch her flirting with him, while it was clear to both of us that she was more than slightly drunk at four in the afternoon and that lipstick was stuck to her tooth. I excused myself to escape for a run.
When I got back Max had gone, and Mum seemed miraculously sober. She was sitting at the kitchen table clutching a cup of coffee and staring into space. "I'm sorry, Jonah." She spoke quietly. I pulled a chair up and sat opposite her. I should have asked what she was sorry for, but I dreaded hearing the answer. She just reached out her hand and clung onto mine.
The result of Max's return to our life was that Mum started making an effort again. She got up in the mornings and went off to meet him somewhere. Max was a do-gooder. I never knew how he ever had enough money for himself and Lauren, he was so busy giving it away. Always helping the down and outs, running food banks and that kind of thing. I guessed he'd dragged Mum into his latest project, or made her the project. I didn't care. Whatever was going on it was transforming her. She had energy again and not the manic kind she had when she was drunk. Her moods seemed to have levelled out so I wasn't having to walk around the house on eggshells.
It wasn't long before we were invited round to Max's house for lunch (perhaps he had noticed the state of our kitchen after all). It was weird to be back there, in the house we had lived in for so long. My old room had been the converted garage, and since I'd left they'd made it into a TV room. But apart from that nothing much seemed to have changed. It felt like stepping back in time.
I wasn't sure how Lauren would feel about us coming round. Sure, she'd stuck up for me over the fight with Riley, but I couldn't help thinking the whole thing wouldn't have happened in the first place if she'd kept her mouth shut. At school she was still a mate, but I had a heightened awareness that she wasn't to be trusted. But as we sat down at her table, I was relieved that at least there was no sign of the strangely flirty manner she sometimes used around me. Sure, she sounded kind of cold when she said hello to Mum, but I was privileged to be welcomed with a broad smile that reminded me of the Lauren I once knew. During dinner we laughed and joked at Max's attempts to serve up Spaghetti Bolognese, we talked about music and Will's latest conquest, and it was all completely natural, like she was my sister and partner in crime all over again.
After the main course Max insisted us men went out to the shop together to get dessert. I thought he just wanted to try to get Mum and Lauren to rebuild some bridges but it turned out he had something to tell me. He had been doing some investigating. The kind I could probably have done if I hadn't been so afraid of the answers. Max had learnt that Dad's appeal had been thrown out. He would be inside for even longer now. It turned out he had been bragging to a cellmate about a gun crime and the cellmate had grassed on him. I didn't ask any more questions than that. I didn't want to hear more about the things my Dad, my former hero, had done. And I was sure Max didn't need to dwell any longer on the fact that we'd left this good man for the loser that my father was. But I felt as if one more worry had drifted away. For the time being at least.
When we got back to Max's, Lauren was loading the dishwasher noisily while Mum sat at the table. Clearly their reunion hadn't gone well. Lauren's relaxed manner was gone, and as soon as she saw me she grabbed my arm. "Come on, Jonah, let's watch some TV." I followed her to my old room. She stuck some rubbish on, and it would have still felt like old times if it weren't for Lauren's dark mood. I thought I knew the root of it. "Listen, thanks Lauren, you know, for putting up with me and Mum after all that happened."
"Think nothing of it. Water under the bridge."
"Cheers. It means a lot that you're still prepared to be a mate you know."
She nodded without looking at me. I looked at her in profile. I thought she looked sad. Her life was just as screwed up as mine, really. Then in one of her sudden changes of mood, she tucked her knees up underneath her and twisted towards me with a sympathetic expression on her face. "Anyway, how are you holding up?"
I glanced at her. "What do you mean?" She knew better than to bring up Mum's problems with me, didn't she?
"You know, about Jessica Mulligan?"
I had resisted asking her what she had meant that day in the canteen and it was clearly killing her.
"Oh that." I shrugged and stared at the telly, hoping she'd drop it.
She flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Really? I thought you'd be gutted. I can't believe how she's treated you."
I tried to resist her obvious attempt to suck me into whatever scheme she was hatching, but failed. "What are you talking about?"
She turned to me with eyebrows raised. She always loved a drama. "Well, she told me at the gig how much you annoy her, and are always hanging around her, and she said she pretty much never wanted to see you again."
I smirked, even though my self-confidence was beginning to waver. "You're lying."
She tilted her head nonchalantly. "Whatever. I mean we were all pretty shocked that you'd go for someone like her, but it's even more surprising that she was the one who dumped you."
"It wasn't like that between us. You don't know what you're talking about."
She had the sense to shut up then. Or maybe she knew she had done enough to leave me questioning everything. Her words ate away at me. Did Jess really say that stuff to Lauren? Did she really never want to see me again? The way she was on the bus made me believe that maybe Lauren was telling the truth. But Jess and I had never been a couple so why would Jess even think like that?
As we walked home later that afternoon, I decided to try to forget about Jess and Lauren and focus on what made me feel good, which was basically my running and Mum's recovery. Mum seemed to have space in her head now to pay attention to my life. She asked about my running and I found myself telling her about the next Meet, which Mr Jacobs reckoned was a big deal because of the rivalry between us and another school.
She had linked her arm in mine and for once it seemed like she was actually listening to me, when I stopped talking she asked, almost nervously, "Would you mind if I came to watch you, sweetheart?"
"Mind? I'd love that Mum, it would be really great to have you there." And I meant it. I had never had anyone cheering just for me before. I couldn't wait for the race.
I was still stupidly excited as I warmed up at the track. I loved the idea of making my Mum proud of me. She'd be there today. The new improved Mum I was beginning to really like being around. I decided I was going to run the best I could and beat a record.
I glanced at my watch. Mum had promised to come down to the track and wish me luck before the race, but she was cutting it fine. I'd caught the school minibus to the event; she had planned to make her own way there.
Then I saw her.
She wore a bleached denim skirt and frilly sleeveless blouse. Her outfit alone drew attention because it was a chilly October day. But it was the way she was weaving as she walked that made sure she got noticed.
My mother had turned up drunk to the Saturday morning school athletics Meet.
I hated myself for hoping that no one would work out she was my mother. I hated the fact that I was relieved that we didn't look alike at first glance. Max got to her quite quickly. He was steering her to a bench seat tucked beneath the stands, but not before she waved and shouted, "Hey, Jonah, honey, good luck!" I lifted my hand slightly to acknowledge her. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder - Will. His expression told me everything I needed to know. I was weaker in his eyes already. I knew then that everyone had seen Mum. I shrugged him off, angrily. I didn't need his or anyone else's pity.
I ran badly. Of course I did. I came nowhere close to a medal position, let alone a record. I couldn't forget the world around me like I usually did. All the time my mind was on my Mum. 
Even Sir looked at me as if he felt sorry for me. I would have preferred a bollocking for my crap performance, but he just told me to come and see him Monday break time.
I left Mum with Max - I was too angry to be around her anyway - and made sure I didn't have any quiet time that weekend. I went out and stayed out. I think I went to a few bars and a few parties. It was a lost weekend. But still, on Monday morning I was standing in Mr Jacobs's office.
"What's changed Jonah?"
I stared at the framed certificate on the wall just behind him.
"What is going on with you? You seemed genuinely sorry about the incident in the canteen. I thought that it was just a blip. And your behaviour has been all right since. But something's still missing. At the start of the season you were on amazing form. With a start like that I thought you would easily get the times you needed to qualify for the nationals, but now...well, Saturday's effort speaks for itself.  But even before that you'd been inconsistent. It's not as if it's due to lack of training, if anything I'm starting to wonder if we've stepped it up too much. But really I don't think that's the root of the problem. The problem seems to be more to do with your mindset."
I counted to ten and for some reason pictured Jess as I tried to block his words out.
"I can see you have some issues with your mum..."
"Don't say it," I growled.
"Because you know we can get some help for you...and her."
I lost it then. I stormed out. Looking back, I suppose it was progress of sorts - in the old days I would have thrown something or hit him. But still, I was furious. I was angry with Sir and with Mum, but most of all I blamed myself. I'd let my guard down. I'd let myself think that there was hope for the future, that Mum could change, that I could achieve something, that we could even be a normal family. And now the realisation that nothing had changed was like falling from a great height.
I barely noticed the other students swiftly stepping aside as I stalked the corridors. I only glanced at the Year Eight kid who had to dive out of the way as I punched through the doors at the end of the corridor. I didn't even know where I was heading until I got there.
The library. A place I'd rarely been to. Libraries had always felt spooky and uncomfortable. But some bit of my brain must have known she was there.
Like the other kids in there, she'd looked up when I kicked the door open. The others had ducked their heads down again though, afraid to make eye contact with the raging bull.
Jess wasn't afraid. She just gave me that steady, unflappable look, as if she had been waiting for my arrival. I threw myself in the seat next to her.
"Hey, Jonah."
I sunk my head in my hands and tried to stop the shaking. It probably looked like I was sobbing. I sat there for a few minutes. The only sound was the swing of the door as nervous kids left the library. Then I felt her fingers on my neck. A cool caress, a soothing feeling, that slowed my breathing and washed waves of calm through my mind. I closed my eyes and accepted her comfort.
I don't know how long we sat there. She didn't ask any questions, or try to come up with solutions, she just waited with me until finally I felt restored. I reached up and clasped her hand and without thinking what I was doing, gently kissed her palm.
"I've missed you, Jess." I spoke in a husky whisper, but I saw her nod. I didn't know if that nod meant she understood or that maybe she missed me, too. I hoped it meant both.
I knew then what she meant to me. I knew she deserved much better. I knew that there was probably a lot of truth in what Lauren said, but Jess and I were good together. It was worth one last try to convince her that whatever had gone wrong before should be forgotten, that even though I was just a dumb scumbag with history, we needed each other.
But she left the library when the bell went minutes later. I knew she'd have gone to class, so I did the only thing I could do when my brain was as messed up as this - I ran. I decided I would stick to my training, that I would work even harder, that I would help Mum where I could, but whatever happened I'd keep up my training. And I decided that I was going to ask Jess Mulligan out. For a change I would be patient and wait until my head was in a better place. It was almost half term anyway and I was due to go on some school trip in the holiday. So I decided I would ask her out properly when we got back to school. At least I had a tiny bit of hope now that maybe she wouldn't turn me down flat. 
The activity holiday was a big deal for the others but I wasn't so sure about it. My place was completely funded by some trust for deprived kids. I hated taking the charity, but it would have looked weirder if I was the only one of my mates not going. I was worried about leaving Mum even though she had been surprisingly well since the incident at the track. It seemed that it had just been a lapse in her recovery. She was spending even more time with Max and looked better and happier every day. Still, I was anxious about going away, but in that mind-reading way he had, Max sought me out to tell me that he would be seeing Mum every day. He told me he thought I needed a break and that this was my chance to be a kid again. He made sense. The thought of passing the daily anxiety about Mum to him for a few days was very appealing.
The Head spoke to me before we left. More of the same - I needed to know I was on thin ice, that if it weren't for Mrs Pollock and Mr Jacobs's support then I would probably have been out on my ear. I made a point of going to see Mr Jacobs afterwards and thanking him for sticking up for me. I knew I owed him for letting the storming out of the office incident slide. He simply told me to make sure I kept up the training and reminded me to keep calm and to stay out of trouble. This holiday was a huge deal. They were running a risk letting me out of the LU to hang out with other kids all day and night, with a freedom I hadn't been allowed at the school before. As far as I was concerned it was a chance to escape my problems and to relax a bit, so that when I got home I would be ready to win both of the races and win the girl who I couldn't quite get out of my head.