Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 18: Jess

I didn't tell him that Mum and Dad were out and that I was babysitting my sleeping sister. I decided I would take control of this situation and that it was better to make him sweat. I led him into the kitchen. I thought it made the point that he was not to make himself comfortable. I would listen to what he had to say, tell him to leave and then get on with my life.
But almost straight away I found it harder to hang on to the anger than I expected. He seemed too different. He looked tired. He looked worried. He was always confident, even a bit cocky. I had seen him upset once or twice but usually with me he was sunshine and laughter. But now he stood in our kichen warily with the light in his eyes dulled. 'That's what shacking up with Lauren would do to a man,' the hardened part of me wanted to think. But really I knew that, despite everything, I still wanted to hold him and bring that laughter back. I reminded myself that I couldn't do that anymore and forced myself to take a step back, gesturing to the bench while I sat on a chair. He looked too big sitting on that bench seat where Amelia and me usually sat. He slung his hands between his legs and looked at me. I stared at a mark on the curtains behind his head so I could make sure my words came out in a steely tone.
"Why aren't you with Lauren right now?" I shot at him.
He didn't say anything for a moment and I told myself that this was another problem with us – he wasn't clever like me, as demonstrated but this inarticulacy. But then I had a flood of memories of his banter and his anecdotes and I knew I was kidding myself.
"I am not with her. She's a family friend. We are not together like that. Nothing's changed." He leant forward in his earnestness so our knees nearly touched. My instinct was to curl myself into a ball, like a hedgehog, but he was too close and I could feel myself beginning to come undone. He still had the same effect on me and I hated him for it.
"A family friend? Really? That's not what it looked like to me and the rest of the school."
"Jess, I need to explain some stuff. About me and my past and what's been going on. I know I can't make things go back to how they were but I suppose I can at least explain." He sighed, hesitating to launch into his story. "Lauren and me are like brother and sister. We spent a few years sharing a home when her dad was with my mum. Then Mum went back to Dad and it ended. We didn't keep in touch." He kept his eyes focussed on the floor, as if not wanting to see my reaction to his words. "Mum and Max, Lauren's Dad, were at school together. They were going out, and then Mum met Dad and ran off to Manchester with him.
"Mum left Dad when I was a kid, and we came back here. We lived with Granddad for a bit then moved in with Max and Lauren. Mum split up Max and his wife. Apparently he'd never got over Mum.
"Lauren should have hated me really but we always got on. We helped each other out. We were friends." He looked up at me and I kept my face blank. "That's all we ever were – friends. I was eleven when we went back to Manchester. Lauren messaged me for a bit but I didn't keep in touch. And honestly that's all there has ever been to it. When I came back she started acting all weird and flirting around me, but I couldn't see her that way, and I didn't know how to tell her that. She's changed. I don't know what's gone on with her. I never know what to expect next. But I know she's jealous of you. I know she's spread lies about her and me because she wants to keep us apart. It's like she hates you because she knows how...she's worked out how I feel about you." He said the last word quietly and looked at me with those deep dark eyes and another of my defences crumbled. "I don't know why she's like this now. She's got plenty of problems, I know that."
"Oh, my heart bleeds for her." My acting skills impressed me. I managed to sound hard and bitchy.
"You sound like you did when I first met you." He sort of smiled and my blood pumped faster with stupid hope. If he liked me then, maybe he could still like me now. I was an idiot.
"You don't believe me do you? You've got to believe me Jess, please."
"Why? Why does it matter what I think?"
"You know it matters, Jess. You know."
I shook my head and pretended I didn't know what he was talking about. "Jess." He said my name softly and I wanted to hear him say it over and over again. "Jess, when I am with you I feel better. I feel like a better person. I feel hopeful. Jess you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Give me one more chance."
I didn't let myself take in his words because I knew if I let myself believe them I would give into the urge to grab his hands that he was pushing through his hair in anxiety, and kiss them.
"How can you say that? How can you say that, when every time we are together something goes wrong? When our lives are going in such opposite directions? When Lauren knows all your secrets and I know nothing about who you really are?"
I stood up, ready to lead him to the door and send him back to her, but he grabbed my hand as if panicked and I felt the lightning bolt of his touch.
"No." It was all he said and I couldn't tell if he was talking about me, or about leaving, or about Lauren. I couldn't think straight when he touched me. We were so close I could feel the tension in his body and I wondered if maybe I did make him feel as crazy and out of control as he made me feel.
Now he was on his feet I remembered how he towered over me and it seemed impossibly easy to lay my head on his chest and pretend it was all OK, but before I could move he tilted my chin up and I was lost in the depths of his eyes and his mouth was on mine and we were kissing. It wasn't tender like before. I let all my anger and passion pour into that kiss and it was like we were drunk in each other's arms and I didn't know where I ended and he began.
But that treacherous voice of reason wouldn't let me forget myself. One kiss and I was his again? What had he told me? Nothing? I forced myself to pull away. His eyes looked heavy and dazed. He stood there breathless now, cagey again.
"You think that's all it takes do you? Half an explanation and a snog and I'm yours?"
"Jess." His voice cracked with – what? Feelings? Frustration? "What do you want from me, Jess?"
"What do I want from you? Nothing. I want to forget I ever met you. I was starting to but here you are again, trying to start something again when we both know it is heading nowhere." I swiped my mouth, hating myself for implying that magical kiss was just a teenage fumble.
"You can't believe that, Jess. Not after we just kissed like that. There is a way we can make this work."
"What are you talking about? How can we possibly make it work? Even if it weren't that I was leaving soon, I can't trust you. You still don't want to tell me the truth. Didn't you think you needed to explain why after our date you suddenly stopped communicating with me and moved in with Lauren? I can take a hint, you know and that's a pretty big hint."
"But I've told you, it's not like that with me and Lauren."
"You've told me nothing. I know there's a whole lot more about your past that you've decided to keep from me. Come on then, Jonah. I thought you were the big, hard man, but you haven't even got the guts to tell me the truth. I can take it. But what about you? What are you so afraid of?