Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 22: Jess

My gloom hung over our Christmas. I hated the cottage. It was cold and draughty and there was nothing to do. Jonah and I had tried to spend as much time together as we could before I left, but in between my extra lessons, his training and competing, visiting his mum, his job and doing up his house, there was only study time left.
During the week, he had been allowed round as much as we wanted to study, as long as my parents were home and we were in plain sight in the kitchen. For some reason they thought we would both get distracted if we were left to work in my bedroom. They didn't realise that just sitting two feet from him was enough for me. I still drifted off into my own world, but all it would take was for him to nudge my foot, or touch my hand and I'd be back gazing into his gorgeous eyes and thinking about how I was the luckiest girl in the world. I would return to my work invigorated and inspired, and my results started to soar again. As did his. He was getting ready for his mocks and laughingly said he might get more than a U, but I'd seen his work and knew he had a chance of doing pretty well.
Friday or Saturday evenings we'd watched a film in my room. We didn't really go out anywhere. He gave any money he made to Max and I was saving for uni and anyway, what was the point of going out when being alone together was all we wanted? 
So after all our time together over the last few weeks, ten days in Norfolk was purgatory. Dad wanted us to play traditional family board games, and I could tell he was disappointed that I had no enthusiasm for Monopoly or Scrabble. I heard Amelia telling Mum on the third day that she wouldn't ask me to help her do her hair because I might shout at her. I actually felt bad then. I always had time for my little sister, but even hearing her say that wasn't enough to snap me out of my mood.
What was the point of having the most incredible boyfriend in the world and if I had to be apart from him at Christmas? I trusted Jonah completely, but I didn't trust Lauren. He would be spending the whole of the Christmas holidays with her. I wouldn't blame him if he gave into her advances, rather than waiting for me. He must have begun to think I was frigid anyway. These thoughts went round and round my head. With no Wi-Fi and not even a mobile signal, it was difficult to dispel my doubts. We spoke on the landline when we could, but we kept missing each other's calls, usually because I was being forced to go on a dull trip out to a museum or something. When we did speak, our conversation was stilted –unbelievably the phone wasn't cordless and one of my family members always seemed to be hanging about.
My grandparents were delighted to see us, but remarked on how thin and pale and miserable I looked. They accused me of working too hard, but my dad just rolled his eyes and blamed The Boyfriend for my lacklustre appearance.
I felt like I was watching them all through a fog, and was relieved to have the excuse of studying to get some time away from the seasonal joviality. Not that I could concentrate on studying. Instead, I'd analyse everything Jonah had said on the phone and wonder if anything had happened with him and Lauren.
My mum wasn't content to leave me to fester though. I opened my Christmas present and found the tablet I'd wanted (not that it was any use without Wi-Fi), and then she revealed my other present.
"I'm going to take you out to the sales in Norwich. I thought we could find something for that New Year party. We'll make a day of it."
"What, just you and me?" Despite my initial reluctance, I liked the idea of spending time with her even though it was a bit weird. I had never really put any effort into her attempts at girlie shopping trips before. I weighed it up and decided that it was better than sitting round here for another day, even though I couldn't imagine us agreeing on an outfit for New Year's.
But she was full of optimism and dragged out those dumb magazines again while we were on the train. She didn't understand that it was pointless and that I'd look stupid in any of that stuff.
I sniffed. "Anyway, I shouldn't even be looking at them. They're Lauren's."
"Lauren?"
"Lauren. The dreadful Lauren. Source of all my misery."
"Really? Sounds intriguing. What's she done?"
"It's a long story."
Mum glanced at her watch, "Well, you've got forty-two minutes to tell me. You can't just leave me in suspense."
So I surprised myself by telling Mum all about Lauren, and how she'd tried to come between Jonah and I and how now they were living together.
Mum listened with more sympathy than I would have guessed. "How could I have forgotten what a hellish place secondary school is? So what does Jonah make of Lauren now, after all that's gone on?"
"That's just what worries me. He thinks I've got her wrong. That I should try to understand her and give her a chance."
"Really?" Mum thought for a minute. "She does sound pretty messed up. But Jonah doesn't strike me as the type to suffer fools. Maybe you should try to be friends with her for his sake."
"Friends! No way. Honestly Mum, weren't you listening? And anyway, I told you the clean version. If you knew the kind of stuff she got up to you wouldn't want me anywhere near her."
"OK, point taken, 'friends' is probably pushing it. You could try being super sweet and nice to her whenever Jonah's around. That'll drive her absolutely crazy."
I smirked. "I like your thinking. I always suspected I had an evil mastermind for a mother."
We laughed and I realised that I was having a good time.
We wandered the cobbled lanes of Norwich with Mum ushering me into shops and pointing out clothes that I knew I would look ridiculous in. Sometimes I humoured her and tried things on, but mainly I stood my ground and told her exactly what I thought of the latest fashions. And Mum surprised me again. She listened to me. She didn't foist her views on me. She didn't show any signs of being frustrated with me. She seemed to understand that I wasn't trying to be difficult, but that I knew what would suit me and what wouldn't and that I needed to find my own individual style. Because she was being so understanding I listened to her and relented to trying on a pair of skinny dark wash jeans.
I stared at myself in the changing room mirror. I would always be short, but my legs looked longer somehow and though they would never be exactly thin, they looked like they had a shape.
An arm thrust a garment through the curtain. "Just try this, Jess. Please. For me." I looked at the top mum had passed me. Before I even saw the shape of it I loved it. The colour was amazing. Somewhere between acquamarine and turquoise, or was it jade? The colour shifted as I turned the silky fabric in the light and without thinking I slipped it on.
It was perfect. It fell in soft drapes across my chest. It looked glamourous while still feeling modest. My eyes suddenly looked a deeper shade of blue and I realised with a shock that I looked sexy. I felt suddenly older. I finally understood why girls went crazy over fashion and shopping. This outfit had instantly made me feel like a better me. Maybe even the me that Jonah saw when he said I was gorgeous. Dressed like this I could stand next to him at the party and feel his equal. People would probably still wonder what he saw in nerdy me, but at least I would feel good.
Mum clapped her hands when I walked out of the changing room and practically broke into a dance. "You look so beautiful." She was almost tearful. "Just a minute, wait there."
She returned with a pair of shoes. They were soft brown sandals and they were lovely, but they had heels. "I'll never be able to walk in those!"
"You've got days to practise. And anyway you can sit down once you've made your entrance."
Reluctantly I slipped them on and was surprised that they were more comfortable than they looked. I looked at my reflection. I was standing better as well as looking taller. Mum was right. They did complete the outfit.
"Perfect," Mum breathed as she hugged me.
"But Mum, I saw the prices, you can't buy all this, it costs a fortune."
"Jess. I have had to stand by while my eldest daughter has only ever agreed to wear clothes bought from a supermarket. I figure you have saved me a fortune over the years. This is a drop in the ocean. And besides you look a million dollars. There is no way we are leaving this shop without those clothes."
There didn't seem much point arguing with that.
"So when's the next train back?" I asked, as we warmed ourselves over bowls of soup.
"Have we got everything?"
"Oh sorry, Mum, was there anything you wanted?"
"No, no. I got more than enough stuff for Christmas. I've just enjoyed my time with you. I don't really want it to end."
I reached for her hand. "Me too, Mum. Thank you. It was a great idea."
Mum actually went a little bit pink and took a quick slurp of her soup. I felt a stab of guilt over the hurt she must have felt every time I had pushed her away in the past.
"Anyway Jess, I've been dying to ask. What did Jonah get you for Christmas?"
"I don't know yet. We agreed to exchange gifts at New Year's."
"What did you get him?"
"A gift voucher for his favourite sports shop."
"A gift voucher?"
"Yeah. He likes sports stuff."
She fiddled with the napkin. "It's just, I kind of assumed things were getting sort of serious between you two."
I blushed. "Well sort of, if he's not snatched by the evil Lauren. What are you getting at Mum?"
"Well a gift voucher isn't the most personal present is it?"
I shrugged, but knew she was right. "I'm just not good at present buying."
"It's not difficult. You just think about that person, what they like and what you like about them and an idea comes to mind. But it needs to be something special, that shows you have thought about it."
And she asked me to tell her about him so we could brainstorm present ideas. My voice took on an energy and enthusiasm that I hadn't had for days, when I talked about him. I realised I felt alive and fully me, in a way I hadn't been since I'd last seen him. Mum laughed and said I'd got it pretty bad.
"Got what?"
She laughed again, but I knew what she was talking about even though I couldn't bring myself to say the words yet.
Anyway I suddenly had the answer. "Aftershave. He always smells good anyway, but he's run out of his old aftershave, the one he wore when I first met him."
"Which one is it?"
"That's the problem. I can't remember."
There was a plan straight away. We spent over an hour in a department store with a very patient sales woman who put up with us spraying every aftershave they had while I sniffed the air (she must have been on commission). Finally we found one that was as close as we could get. I wasn't sure if it was right, but the lady explained that everyone's skin brought out a slightly different scent to the aftershave. I couldn't tell whether she was making it up to get rid of us or not, but I went with it as even Mum's enthusiasm was beginning to flag.
"Right, I have a feeling he's got you something pretty special, but it wouldn't look right if you spent more on him than he spent on you. So me and your dad will give him the vouchers and you give him the aftershave."
"Really? You're giving him a present?"
"Of course. We like him. He makes my girl smile." She linked her arm through mine as we walked to the train station I had never felt closer to her.
"What makes you think he's got me something special?"
"I know how much he thinks of you. I know how much he worries about you."
"Worries about me? Why?"
She didn't say anything until we had crossed a road. "You know, Jess I nearly suggested going to Cambridge for our shopping trip."
I know I must have stiffened against her, and I nearly stumbled.
"Exactly, Jess. That's why Jonah worries about you. That's why I worry about you. We are worried about the panic attacks."
I felt a cold rage. I didn't know where to start. "You know about the panic attacks? I can't believe he'd tell you that. I can't believe you've talked about me!"
She said nothing. We arrived at the train station and had to run for the train. By the time we had found our seats we still hadn't spoken. Finally I broke the silence.
"They're not really panic attacks anyway. It's more like I think I'm going to be sick and I can't breathe..." I realised by trying to explain it I was only making it sound worse.
Mum put her hand over mine. Her hand felt so much warmer than mine. "Jonah didn't need to tell me love. I knew. I was worried, but I've known you longer than he has. I know you won't accept any help until you've worked this out in your own head. And unlike him, I know I can't talk you out of going to Cambridge."
"You don't want me to go to Cambridge?"
"Jess, look at me." She waited until I had actually turned to look at her so I could see her sad, loving expression. "I don't mind. It doesn't matter. Not really. You will always be brilliant whether you go there or not. And we will always love you whether you go there or not. You don't have to prove anything to me, or to your dad. You need to do what you feel is right. What Jonah doesn't understand yet, is that there is no way of talking you out of what you want to do."
I shook my head. It was good to know I had her support whatever happened, but I was disturbed about what she said about Jonah.
"He knows I'm going to Cambridge. He knows that's the plan."
"It doesn't mean he understands. I think you'd better talk to him when you get home."
I frowned.
"And remember honey. He cares. He's seen you in that state and he's really worried. Look at it from his point of view. Don't you think seeing one person he loves put themselves in hospital is enough?"
I nodded numbly, and spent the journey back to the cottage in silence brooding on and my mum's casual use of the word 'love'.