Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 13: Jonah

I sat up on the sea wall, in the shadows and on the edge of the group. The others were gathered around the fire (it had taken them a pathetically long time to get it alight), and someone was playing tinny-sounding music through their phone. Lauren was leaning against Tom and giggling in her usual fake, attention-seeking way. Tom was delighted. He had fancied Lauren for ages. I doubted he knew what he was taking on but I was pretty sure he'd find out sooner or later. I was bored. I was ready to disappear back to the cabin and get some sleep.
I hadn't thought it was the best idea in the world to spend the last night on the beach with a fire and beer. First of all it was practically November. However much the rest of them wanted to pretend we were in California, it was very clearly Dorset in winter. Besides, Sir's warning was still echoing in my ears. If I was caught drinking on the beach, I knew I'd be out of that school.
It had been a strange week. I'd had, fun I guess, but Jess being here was doing my head in. Why had I said I wanted to be friends? That wasn't what I wanted at all.
I hadn't expected Jess to be on this trip. I thought I'd have a week to get my head together and plan how to ask her out again. Then, like always, just when I thought I was sorted, she appeared and my mind was chaos. I was sitting on the back seat of the coach having a laugh with my mates, surprised to be enjoying myself, when I saw her stumble up the steps and nervously look for a seat. Her hair was pulled back making her eyes appear even bigger and highlighting her delicate features. She wore an oversized top and leggings. She looked beautiful.
I nearly jumped up to help her find a seat, but that would have just drawn more attention to her, which she'd hate, so I just watched as she scanned for a seat. Someone shouted something and she flushed. I stared round but couldn't see who had shouted it. She found a place somewhere in the middle and sat down so I couldn't see her. Josh started to wave his phone in my face to show me some lame photo.
This trip was supposed to be a chance to relax and have a laugh with my new mates but Jess was here and I had to talk to her. I was going to make sure that she knew what she meant to me. So I'd talked to her at the service station and in some ways it went better than I'd hoped, but on the other hand I couldn't believe my nerves had made me say I wanted to be her friend, when I had wanted to say girlfriend, when I had wanted to ask her on a date. 
Turned out Mr Jacobs' training reminders weren't needed by the time we got off that coach I was desperate to escape my own head and go for a run. They had to make us stand around while we found our cases and were told who we were sharing a cabin with. I was with my friends but I couldn't believe it when I heard who Jess was stuck with. Lauren, Chloe and Roxanne. Who had possibly thought they would go together? Even the teacher (a young newly qualified) checked her list and looked a bit confused, but all the cabins were assigned and there was no way to change anything now. Jess gave nothing away as she trudged off behind them.
Looking back the things I remembered most clearly about the week were running along the beach and obsessing over Jess. I'd get up early and send Jess a message, usually hinting at her joining me, and then I would make myself run three kilometres before I checked my messages. She always turned me down but replied with just enough of a hint of flirtation to give me hope.
Seeing Jess all the time made me it clear to me just how much I liked her, but the closer I tried to get to her the more freaked out she seemed to get. I felt like I was going crazy, I had girls queuing up to go out with me, but I wanted this super-brain girl who acted ten years older than rest of them and was completely out of my league. Our families were poles apart, and she'd be moving to uni, next year, while I had no idea where I'd be or what I'd be doing. I didn't want to be forced onto an apprenticeship scheme that was basically slave labour, but it was a pretty strong possibility the way things were going. Over and again during the week I would talk myself into giving up the whole situation was useless. Then I would see her and immediately forget how pointless the idea of us together was.
It was the last night of the trip. I stared into the fire and realised that I would just have to get it over with and ask her out and risk being turned down. It was a problem I had never encountered before. I put down my beer and was about to leave the beach and head off back to the cabin when I saw the silhouettes of three girls tripping across the sand. They were giggling and stumbling. I recognised Chloe and Roxanne. The third girl had on a short skirt, and although she was small her legs were long and slim. I don't know if it was the outfit that stopped me recognizing her, or the drunken giggle, but all of a sudden the firelight lit her face and I realized that it was Jess. She was wearing loads of make-up. Her eyes were ringed in black eyeliner and her lips were slick with gloss, but it was Jess.
I had to admit she looked hot. But she didn't look like the Jess I knew. I stood up, but she couldn't have seen me, because Will was lying on the sand and he held out his hand to her and she half fell next to him and leaned towards him. I could see enough to see he thought all his Christmases had come at once. That was all it took for me to make myself known. I pushed myself away from the sea wall and dropped onto the sand next to Will and just behind Jess so that Will was cut out of her sight. I knew everyone noticed what I had done. They might as well have paused the music while they all stared. I had made a statement. The only one who looked angrier than me was Lauren. The only one who didn't seem to notice me was Jess who was drawing patterns in the sand with her fingertip.
"Hi Jess."
She turned to me, her beautiful blue eyes shimmering in the firelight. "Hi Jonah."
It was all she said but I felt as if my heart would stop.
"Oi mate, you're interrupting something here," Will blustered. I looked at him and he shrugged and turned away. It was funny the way even the ones who thought they were my mates were still scared of me.
Jess giggled again. She wasn't one to laugh easily and with a weird feeling of protectiveness, I wondered what she had been drinking. She pulled at her iron-straight hair. "I look pretty ridiculous don't I?"
I shook my head slowly, leaning on one elbow as I reached up and touched her hair and half-whispered as I leaned towards her. "No, you look gorgeous."
I loved seeing her blush. She leant away and took a sip from a plastic bottle. She shuddered.
"What are you drinking?"
She grimaced. "Vodka and orange."
"Why?"
"Because I'm sharing with the party queens, and I'm too much of a coward to say I don't want to get all dressed up and I don't want to get drunk." Those eyes bore into mine as if challenging me to disagree.
"Jess." I spoke urgently and quietly. She had to realise who I saw when I looked at her. "Jess, you are nothing like a coward. You don't have to get all dressed up like this. I mean you look good, in a way. But really Jess you look better when you're you." I knew I wasn't making much sense. "I like you, Jess. Don't change who you are."
She didn't say anything for a moment, but I noticed she had gone very still. "Yeah, but maybe I am bored of being the boring girl."
"You are never boring. I like you Jess."
She didn't seem to hear me. "Of course, after a few days hanging out with Lauren and her mates, I am beginning to wonder what else I am missing out on." She looked at me suggestively. It didn't suit her. It made me uncomfortable. But I am ashamed to say something about seeing those timid eyes suddenly bold turned me on. 
"Do you want to take a walk with me Jonah?"
I swallowed. Then realized that there was a hint of nervousness there and that, despite the Dutch courage, she wasn't too far-gone to know what she was asking.
I stood silently and held my hand out to her. She felt so light as I pulled her to her feet, but even so she stumbled and fell against my chest. I held her there for a second, breathing her in.
I knew the others were all watching us. I knew we'd be gossiped about as soon as we were out of earshot. I looked around them all, silently daring them to say anything. Of course, Lauren was the only one brave enough to take me on. "I thought you said you felt sorry for her, Jonah!" she called out.
I felt Jess tense and step back from me. "Come on." I started to march her away towards the camp with my arm around her shoulders, but she shrugged me off.
"You feel sorry for me!"
"Lauren is just being bitchy. She's lying. Just ignore her."
She swayed. I was used to the way drunks hung on to one thing you said but ignored the rest. "What is it with you and Lauren anyway? I can't figure out whether you're best mates or you hate each others guts." She shook her head. "Oh. Stupid me. Now I get it. Of course! In the films that's exactly how they act when they are crazy about each other. Of course." Then she frowned. "No, I remember now. I've got it wrong haven't I? What she said at the gig wasn't the truth was it? She wasn't going out with you, was she?"
I couldn't follow exactly what she was saying, but it was pretty clear it was Lauren who had made her leave the gig in such a hurry. I felt a blaze of anger then hope – Jess had liked me. Lauren had told Jess lies and that had made her leave. I would deal with Lauren another time, but surely Jess's reaction to Lauren meant that maybe she felt the same about me as I felt about her?
By the time reached her cabin by now, and she seemed to have sobered up. I took the chance to talk to her. "Come on, sit down with me a minute, let me explain a few things." She sat down next to me on the steps that led to the door of her cabin. It was cold, and instinctively I put my arm round her. I was expecting her to push me away again but instead she curved into me, for warmth, I expect. Still, she felt so good clinging to my side.
I spoke slowly making sure she'd take in what I was saying. "Jess, Lauren and I have never gone out and we never will." I pushed her hair back so I could see her face. "Believe me, there is nothing going on between me and Lauren." I must have stared at her pretty intensely because I am pretty sure I heard her gulp. When she spoke her voice was low and husky.
"I heard about the fight at school."
I looked out towards the sea. I had hoped she hadn't heard about that. "I know it's not an excuse but it wasn't really a fight, and it was winding me up." 
"I heard...I mean...tell me, why were you fighting Riley?"
I paused, I didn't know if I had the guts to say what I wanted to say. No girl had ever made me stop and second-guess myself like Jess did.
"He was dissing you and me."
"You and me?" Her voice echoed through the darkness.
"Yeah." I swallowed and looked at her again. "Riley thought there was something going on between us. He was taking the piss, and I was trying to set him straight."
She looked up at me, her eyes glittering in the moonlight. She looked like she was waiting for me to say more.
"But of course that'd be ridiculous wouldn't it, Jess? You and me? Together?" She seemed frozen to the spot. The only thing moving was her eyes, which danced over my face. "Look, I know you told Lauren you want me out of your life. I get that I am kind of annoying and that we really, really have nothing in common. But the thing is it doesn't mean I don't wish that Riley was right, and there was an "us"."
I looked away from her, not ready to see her reaction. She let go of me and sat up straight. I'd blown it. As expected, she thought I was delusional. But then she spoke,
"You wish there was an "us"? Why?"
"Well for a start, because when I said all that you still have questions. I love the way you question everything, you analyse it, you don't accept anything or anyone on face value. You have never judged me Jess, and, believe me, I deserve to be judged." She didn't say anything, so I kept on talking. "I know you are far cleverer than I can even imagine, but you have to realise you've got a few things wrong. I am not interested in Lauren. I do not feel sorry for you. At all. I am in awe of you. You amaze me. You terrify me. You make me realize that maybe it is possible for things to turn out the way I want."
I looked at her then and she seemed bewildered. "Apart from all that, even though I know I haven't got a chance, I still think you are the most gorgeous girl I have met."
"Oh." She continued to stare at me. I had no way of telling what she thought, or even if she was sober enough to take in what I had said. We sat there for a minute, with me feeling like an idiot. 
I went to stand up but she grabbed my hand. "Jonah, wait." A tiny bubble of hope formed as I sat down again. "Jonah," she whispered, "That was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." For once I kept quiet. I still didn't know if I was getting the brush off or not. "And the thing is Jonah, everything you've said about me, is just about exactly how I feel about you. You're the first person I think about when I wake up. If I see you during the day it feels complete, if I don't I feel wrecked. I said those things to Lauren at the gig because I was mad at you. You are annoying, but not for the reasons you think. I was angry at you for stopping me concentrating on my work and for making me notice that maybe there's more out there than maths and studying. I wished I had never met you. I tried to get you to leave me alone, but that's not really what I want. I have missed you so much these last few weeks."
Smiling wasn't enough to express how good it felt to hear her say that. So I leant down and kissed her. It was the most gentle and tender kiss that I could find in me. It lasted just a second but long enough to know it wasn't enough.
"Oh," she said. Her hand touched her lips as if in surprise.
"Jess," I whispered into that golden hair, winding my fingers through a strand of it, "Come out with me when get home. Come on a date with me."
She looked confused. I didn't know whether it was the drink or what I had done. She leant forward and kissed me and murmured, "OK."
Voices drifted across the sand towards us. Some of the others were on their way back. She glanced over, and I knew she wasn't ready for us to be seen together. "Go inside. Sleep. I'll text you." She went in without looking back. I couldn't stop grinning. I had never laid my heart bare like that before. I knew I wasn't good enough for her, that our futures were going in different directions and her dad thought I was scum. I knew I should walk away before it started getting even messier. But then I remembered the feel of her lips against mine. I was in too deep to turn back now.