Talent...and what to do with it

Chapter 15: Jonah

I really should have learnt by now that things don't generally go well for me for long. In fact whenever something goes really well and I am allowed to forget for a minute that my life is crap, then something else has to sneak up and smack me in the face and remind me that nothing goes my way.
The date with Jess had been awesome. We'd laughed so much and talked so much. I had told her more about myself than I had told anyone before and she'd listened. She didn't interrupt all the time like some girls do and she didn't ask dumb questions – she just listened like she cared. I could stare into her blue eyes for a long, long time. I was seriously falling for her. For a minute I wondered how we could make it work, but stopped myself. Don't think ahead, I told myself, just think about now.
But because of all the thoughts of Jess, because of what I suppose you'd call happiness, I wasn't ready for it.
Mum had been acting like a normal, sober mum that morning. I'd gone for my run and when I got back she was having a nap. I'd been getting ready to meet Jess and didn't have a lot of time. I'd called out to her and she'd answered. I can't even remember what she'd said. I was too absorbed in thoughts of the date and I was worried about being late, so I didn't put my head in her room to say goodbye properly.
All those years of dreading what I would come home to and the one time I let my guard down and walked in without thinking about anything apart from how happy I was after the best date ever, there she was, unconscious in the hallway. White and cold and smelling of piss.
I rang the ambulance and I did what they said, without panicking – I put her in the recovery position, confirmed she was breathing, and told them she had a history of alcohol abuse. Then I packed her bag and I sat in the hallway next to her and waited. I felt more alone in my life than I had before. I thought about messaging Jess but it was late – she'd probably be falling asleep. I had told her a lot, but I hadn't told her about Mum. What would I say?
Can you come over?
I thought about that text a lot afterwards. Should I have been clearer? Probably. I suppose I just expected her to know that I wouldn't ask her that unless something awful had happened. She didn't understand though.
It's eleven thirty Jonah! I had a great time. But there is no way my parents are letting me out to yours at this time of night.
I noted she didn't end it with a good night, or a kiss or anything, so I guess she wanted a reply. But I didn't have one. I sat next to my comatose mother and stared at my phone and wondered what it must feel like to have parents who wouldn't let you out at eleven thirty at night. Then I rang Max. I didn't have to explain. He said he'd meet me at the hospital.
As I rode in the ambulance, blanking out the pitying faces of the crew and tuning out most of their questions, I thought about Jess and me and wondered if she could even begin to imagine the sordidness of my life.
They hooked Mum up to a drip and told me they suspected Chronic Alcoholic Hepatitis. They said the next twenty-four hours would be crucial. They told me to sit in the waiting room and asked me if there was anyone else I wanted to contact. They obviously hadn't run the check yet, or they would have realized I was underage, and started to talk to social care. I told them my stepfather was on his way. That was when Jess messaged again.
I can't sleep. Can I call you? What are you doing? X
How to reply? How to explain what had happened? How to say what I needed?
Forty minutes later I still hadn't replied. My phone buzzed a few times, but I just sat there staring at a poster about giving blood. 
And yet I sort of expected Jess to read my mind and know I needed her to rescue me.
Then a hand was on my shoulder. I looked up, still dreaming I would see Jess's face, but it was Lauren. Of course it was Lauren.
"Jonah. I am so sorry."
She didn't sound sorry. She sounded smug. Pleased that she was the one who was centre stage in the drama that was my life.
Max walked in. His face was grey. "Jonah, I am sorry. I should have realized that her recovery wasn't what it seemed." I had relied on him to make sure this didn't happen. I didn't let him off.
"Yeah. You should have done."
He flinched but he knew me well enough to know that right now all I had was my anger.
"They've said she's stable. You need to come back with us and get some rest. I'll bring you back first thing tomorrow."
"I'm not going till I've seen her."
He nodded as if he was expecting this and took the chair next to me. Lauren sat the other side of me and tried to hold my hand. I pushed her away. I ignored them both while we waited. They offered me drinks. They grumbled about the uncomfortable chairs, Lauren tried to show me something on Facebook, but I ignored them.
I picked over the last twenty-four hours and how it had come about that I had let my guard down. I realised I should have never gone on that date with Jess. I would have been at home – Mum wouldn't have had to crawl down the hallway to try and get someone to help. It was never going to work between me and Jess. We were too different. We were going in different directions. I knew I had to sacrifice something to repair the damage I had done. Maybe if I hadn't been so off the rails in Manchester, Mum wouldn't have resorted to drink so often. Then I hit on the solution. I couldn't continue to be selfish and keep seeing Jess. I would make the sacrifice. I made a promise to a god I didn't believe in that if Mum survived I would give up Jess. I didn't deserve her anyway. I figured I would be doing Jess a favour – she didn't need the burden of a loser like me in her sparkling future. My vow was based on all my muddled emotions, but I knew if Mum made it, I wouldn't break the promise I had made.
After waiting for what could have been half the night or less than an hour for all I knew, they took me to see Mum. I stared at her motionless body. She'd had me young. She was only thirty-eight now. She still dyed her hair blonde, but it was brittle and dry from over-styling and lack of nutrients. Her skin was an appalling shade of yellow – how had I not noticed before?  Her mouth dragged down at the side slightly. She looked very thin and old. Looking at her there I knew exactly what she would look like when she was dead. Max and Lauren must have followed me to the ward. One of them squeezed my shoulder and I jerked away from their touch.
Max spoke calmly, "They've said she's stable. We need to go, Jonah." I ignored him. I couldn't feel relief that she was still alive when she barely looked it. Max persisted. "Jonah, you've got no choice. You've got to come with us."
They were right. There was no one else.
"If you don't, the staff here will call social services. You know what that'll mean. We are your best option."
So I went with them. I would keep my vow to cut Jess out of my life.  Make it a clean break before it all got too painful and messy. I deleted her messages.