My psychiatrist said I need to start journaling yesterday, so I guess I'm back at this whole diary thing. Im honestly feeling pretty suicidal and worthless right now. At the store my mom kept bothering me and I told her to leave me alone. She kept messing with me and I pushed her away, and she snapped at me. She told me I ruined everyone's mood, and the way she said it made me interpret it as I ruined her day. Made me feel awful. She kept going on about how rude I am, and implied that all the help I'm receiving is a waste of resources. I already feel like a waste of resources so thanks for the self esteem boost. She told me I go to counseling that we have to pay for jus for me to not learn anything or even try to get better. I am trying to get better. I'm tired of my daily self harm thoughts. They're unbearable. I'm tired of constantly wanting to kill myself and scrambling to find reasons not to. On the worst days, I'm entirely numb. Those are the worst because at that point nothing matters enough to stop me.
The psychiatrist told my parents to lock up knives, razors, etc so I can't self harm. None of that has happened. My parents haven't even tried. They don't realize how much willpower it takes not to self harm, and they're leaving all of these triggers around the house. I tried to cut myself with a pair of scissors the other day but they were too dull. I guess you can consider that lucking out.
Im done with school now. Finals are this week and I don't even have to show up. I'm basically graduated. Sitting around at home gives me lots of time to just think about how much I hate myself. I want to get back into writing but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I just don't have the inspiration or motivation like I used to have back when I was mentally okay. Now everything feels like a drag. Everything bored me, and I can't focus enough to complete any given task. Heck, it takes me three days to watch an hour and a half movie. I sleep all day and all night. I just can't bring myself to do anything and it only makes my parents angrier with me, which fuels my depression. Life just sucks right now guys. I don't really know what to do.
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Dear Diary...
RandomI give you the key to my diary-- the key to my internal mechanisms. As of today, I will make an entry every day detailing my life. I can't tell you why I want to share, but I do. I think some things need to be shared to destroy the stigma around the...
