Mind of ZAYN ✔️ Zarry

ch. 1 ✏

Zayn (2010)

We will be having our Video Diary week 3 in just 15 minutes and I'm feeling nervous. It's like every time we do this, it feels like I am auditioning again. I am not that comfortable in front of a camera.

I sat down beside Niall while Liam is behind us and Louis and Harry are in front of us. I don't know why I am feeling this, but it really pisses me off when Lou's always this close to Harry. And I don't know why.

I know what you thinkin' but I am not. I just know I'm not. And don't try to even argue with it. It's nonsense.

The video diary started and it went well. We just answered fans' questions on Twitter and I need to keep myself smiling and pretending that I'm okay when I can see right in front of me, Louis flirting Harry.

I mean, how could he do that? Well, I have to admit even though Harry and I were friends since this x-factor, I am very shy to him and I stutter when talking to him. I just don't want to show it because it'll feel awkward for both of us. I wish I have that confidence so I won't be nervous every time he's around.

The video ended and we got up. Harry walked in the kitchen with Niall and Liam while I grabbed Louis and headed to the backdoor.

"Hey, hey! What's up, Zayn?" He asked me while wrapping his arms around me. Louis is like this to everyone but I'm not comfortable when he does this to Harry.

"I, uh, I have a question." Should I ask this? Will I believe his answer then? What if he says yes?

"Go on, lad. Ask me anything, but not money. You know I don't have 'cause I'm planning on something for my mum and---"

I stopped him, "No, not that."

"Oh, alright. Then what is it, Zayn?", he asked again.

I breathe out heavily, "Do you, do you have a--err, crush on--Harry?"

He looked at me suspiciously and even raised his eyebrows. What is he thinking? Is he thinking of lying? Or denying? Or what?

"What the hell, Zayn?! Did you think of that? Is it the reason why you're not feeling well earlier?" He loudly said that and I covered his mouth. The boys might hear what we are talking about and I am not prepared for that.

"Ssshh. Please don't talk so loud. They might hear us." I whisper yell. He let out a little laugh. Yes. A little.

"Zayn, I don't know what you're thinking now, and I don't know why you asking me that, but hell no!" He said while laughing his ass out. So he doesn't have a crush on him? Will I believe it? Would I trust him?

"Whoa! I know that look, Zayn! Don't tell me--?!" His eyes went big and he even put his hands to his mouth like he was so shocked.

I didn't speak a word and I was just turning my back on him before he could ask questions.

"Wait!" Now he grabbed me and regretted what I did. "So now, it's my turn to ask questions."

"How about you? Do you?" I can't look at him in the eyes cause I will just see his teasing face again.

"I, uh, of course not! The fvck, Loueeh! What were you thinking?" I pretended to be angry for him to stop but then, Louis is Louis.

"I am thinking of the thing you are thinking right now, Zayn! Because you are always like this!" He said it loud again. I want to cover my ears. For sure I'll be depth because of him. He's always shouting.

"What like this? Why? What am I?" I asked.

"This. That! We don't know what's going on in your mind. You are this so mysterious." He defended.

I just rolled my eyes and walked away. Why is Louis always right? Fvck! If I can say it loud I will.

"So, Zayn, do you? Do you?" He asked repeatedly.

"Oh yes! I am. Happy now?" I turned around to see his wide smiling face. He runs towards me and hugged me like a bruh.

"I knew it! Now I know how to blackmail you, Zayn!" He said as we made our way to the room. I know Louis won't do that. I trust this lad so much. And he'll be the best friend of mine.

***

After we lost the X-factor, we continue our journey as a boyband. We are going to different cities, countries, and places we've never been to before. We are touring around and promoting our first album. We didn't expect this to happen, all of us. We didn't expect that the people would love us this much. All of this, the fame, the love from the fans, it's all overwhelming.

But the thing is, Louis kept on teasing me. He makes me jealous all the time. He knows I like Harry, and he always makes a way to piss me off.

Every time he does that, I'm just rolling my eyes. And I swear, I think Liam knows what's going on. He keeps on eyeing me and giving me that "i-feel-that-something-is-fucking-wrong-here" look.

Thank God cause he's not questioning and Harry and Niall are just so innocent and not having an idea about this stupid stuff.

We are now filming our first music video. We'll be here in California for about 2 weeks to film. And not just Louis who is pissing me, but also that Madison girl.

I hate that part. And I know Harry has a girlfriend. And everything is just so complicated. Things went well all along. We are enjoying our time here at Malibu beach. And I'm happy when Harry's reaching for me.

He's so sweet and pure and so, lovely. He doesn't know what he's doing to me.

"Hey, Zayn, I have a question for you." He said while we headed to the cottage for some rest.

My heart beats fast. What would he ask me? What if he knew it already? What if he'll avoid me now? What am I gonna do? I don't like the feeling that he's away from me. I look at my shoe while we walk, and I just nod.

"Why is the tomato blushing?"
I feel relieved now. God! I thought he was going to ask what was going on. I went crazy all over, and now he's telling a joke.

"Uhh- why?" I just asked. He went closer to me. I swear if he could just hear my heart beating so loud, I'm going to faint.

His smell, his fragrance, I inhaled it. I just love it. I love it when he is this close to me.

"Because he saw the salad dressing." He whispered and laughed so hard. I giggled.

He pointed at me, "You laughed! I saw it. You fucking laughed at my joke!" His happiness, his joy, I can see it all in his face. His smile, his dimples. That's what I live for.

I smiled at him. I don't want this to end. I could stay up all night hearing those silly jokes about him. I could stay up all night hearing those not-ending stories and how he adores cats so much.

After that tiring day, we checked in to the hotel, and I and Harry always share a room. I don't know why I don't feel awkward, I feel at home when he's beside me. And luckily, the other boys' not questioning that.

Before we could sleep, we talk and talk, and then I just heard his snores. I smiled to myself, I stared at his features. His curly locks that I love the most, his eyelashes, his nose. His face. I could stay awake looking at those.

How much I love this boy. It's so-- I can't explain it. If I could only tell him how I feel towards him. If I could only show him my heart. If I can just tell the world.

Why it has to be a guy? I don't know. Really. I just woke up and realize that I have fallen in love with Harry Edward Styles.

It's all fucked up.