City Of Stars; Dazai Osamu

06. Paper Hearts

We continued lying like that for a couple of minutes as both of us were trying to steady our heartbeats. I had no idea what to say or what to do because unusually for me, I was just...stunned and maybe a little embarrassed. A little.

I just got lost in her face features. I couldn't stop admiring how beautiful her hair was, how sparkling her eyes were, how pretty her nose was, how cute her plump, pink cheeks were. I got lost in her. I knew, that if I continued staring at her like that, I would fall in love with her all over again, but on the other hand, I continued doing it like I wanted it to happen. I already realized, that what I was feeling wasn't a nostalgia or something from my past, these were my new, present feelings.

No, I should definitely move away. I can't afford such thing as love, especially with (Y/N). I have already disappeared out of her life once, but the evil fate brought us together again. Why's it evil? Because it gives (Y/N) the worst man she could ever have. She's...wonderful and she deserves someone like that imaginary boyfriend, who's successful, doesn't have these ugly scars, who'd love her deeply. She doesn't deserve a broken, destroyed man, who has a very dark past and mental...problems.

She keeps staring in my face and it feels like it's been an infinity since she fell on me, but in reality, it wasn't even a minute.

I wonder, what she sees in me, when she's looking at me like this?

"Dazai, you know..." (Y/N) finally spoke "You have very beautiful eyes..."

My hearted started beating faster as I smiled sadly

"Only if these eyes haven't seen all those awful things, that I've been through." I said

"That's exactly why they are beautiful." She replied "Dazai, broken things can be beautiful too. That's just...uh, how do I explain it. That's just a different kind of beauty, not the typical one, that most of the people like. This beauty is much more deeper, elegant and mysterious."

"Can I ask you something then?" I asked

"Of course." She answered

"Do you like this beauty?" I questioned quietly

(Y/N) smiled with the warmest and prettiest smile I have ever seen a girl have.

"I love it, Dazai~" She said, brushing some of my bangs away from my forehead

Finally, I sat up, gently helping her sit up too

"You always manage to make me feel in top of the world, Bella Donna~" I smiled

(Y/N) stood up from the floor and fixed her clothes

"I'll go and cook something, alright? I'm hungry." She asked

"Sure~" I said softly, standing up too "I can help you if you want~"

"No way!" She laughed "I remember your "cooking skills" from the past!"

I made a dramatically hurt face as I threw my hand over my forehead and exclaimed:

"Your words are so harsh! I'll have to prove you wrong!"

"Fine~" She laughed more "I hope, that you really have improved~"

***

"It was so delicious~!" I said, leaning back on the chair "Thank you for the meal, (Y/N)~"

"You're welcome~" She chuckled "By the way, you actually did manage to prove me wrong~"

"How?" I blinked

I knew, that I managed to entertain her, but definitely, not help with cooking. I was never a good cook because I was usually just taking take-aways.

"Well~ You cooked the sauce~" She explained "And that is way better, than how you were cooking 7 years ago~"

We both laughed softly too, enjoying the hot tea.

"Dazai, say, can I ask you one question about our past?" (Y/N) said with a sudden seriousness in her voice

"Of course." I answered

"We were good friends, who talked every day and saw each other every day..." She started "You seemed to be enjoying my company just as much as I was enjoying yours. We shared so much stories and memories and even our first kisses...so tell me, why did you leave me, Dazai? Did I do something wrong? Why did you stop replying to my messages all of a sudden and avoided seeing me? What happened?"

It felt as if silence covered everything like a blanket.

(Y/N) was trying to simply look confused and puzzled, but I could clearly see the pain and offense in her eyes. It was understandable though. I stopped talking to her without any scandals, without telling her anything, without any warnings. I had no choice. Little did she know, that I was suffering too. I was in love with her back then and I wanted to always be her friend until....one incident

"Well, I guess...it's better to tell you this now...." I sighed, looking away from her face, not being able to handle this gaze "You did nothing wrong and it wasn't because I was bored with your or something. It was because it was the only choice I had, if I wanted to keep you safe."

I made a pause, taking one hand of hers into mine, calloused ones, and caressed her knuckles gently.

"One day, my boss called me to his office to have a talk." I started "I still don't know how, but he found out about our friendship and he was rather unsatisfied with it. He thought, that it was distracting me from work and ordered me to stop it immediately, but I refused and he simply gave me one condition: I had to either stop communicating with you myself or he would hire someone to kill you. I had no choice, (Y/N)."

Suddenly, I felt her hand tremble and as I raised my head to look at her face, I saw, that she was crying.

"(Y/N)....?" I asked in disbelief

"Sorry..." She apologized, wiping her tears away "It's just such a relief to know, that it wasn't my fault...All these years, I was living with a thought, that it was my fault and that you just got bored of my behavior, jokes, looks and everything. I was feeling like a stupid girl, who got fooled by a handsome mafioso, you know?"

"Oh no, I would never leave you because of that!" I exclaimed "I actually thought, that you were the prettiest, the smartest and funniest girl I ever seen!"

I made a pause, hesitating wether I should say what was on mind, but then, I decided, that if I started telling her the whole story, I had to tell her completely everything

"You were my first love, (Y/N)..." I added quietly "You don't how sorry I am for leaving you, but now, I promise,to not make such mistake."

Her tears finally stopped as she looked me in the eyes and asked:

"You promise...?"

"I swear on that with my life." I replied

I leaned down to place a gentle kiss on her hand as a smile, that I loved so much, appeared on her face

~~~

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R.I.P. Jonghyun

I've seen on instagram some posts in stories where there's a black background and a text "add a flower for Jonghyun" and idk, it's so disrespectful. As if a fucking emoji of flower can help him or smth