Today's day was too gloomy for a summer day, which was my first reason why I didn't like this day already, although it was just 2 pm. Skies were too grey, rain was too heavy and people around me were too gloomy.
Except for one.
"He is so helpful during the process~!" (Y/N) cheered, completely forgetting about the food in front of her "He's a really amazing attorney! We're winning the process now, by the way~"
This was my second reason.
What was supposed to be lunch in one of the cafes near (Y/N)'s work turned out into me, listening to her speech about how amazing that Jung-Hoon guy was, what wasn't really how I wanted to spend this time with her. I just asked her about how the process is going, yet she just started telling me about him.
"I'm glad, that he helps." I said, taking a sip of my cola "But are you feeling alright? I mean, you're suing your father after all."
"I'm totally fine, don't worry." She smiled reassuringly at me, going back to eating her lunch "Jung-Hoon is not letting me feel down."
I stopped eating for a moment and simply looked at her in surprise
"You're calling him by his name already?" I asked, still being slightly shocked
"Um...yeah." She said, blushing slightly "He was very friendly with me and he's my age so he suggested calling each other by our names and I agreed."
Something deep inside of me started to beat faster and more painful
"I see." I answered, rather dismally
I'm not going to hide it: I'm jealous. Because for once, I felt like she's going to stay with me. For once, I thought, that I was able to reach something, that I truly desired. I should have learned it already, that I do not deserve completeness. I don't deserve having a significant other, especially (Y/N). Kim Jung-Hoon is handsome, successful, wealthy. He can give her what she deserves and desires, yet what about me? I'm simply a detective with a criminal past, who tried to commit suicide multiple times. I'm not special and (Y/N) deserves something extraordinary.
Why aren't I happy for her? I remember, I used to say, that I wanted the best for her...even if that "best" wasn't me. I was undoubtably ready to let her go if that would mean, that she would be truly happy. Why does it hurt so badly now then?
"Dazai, is everything alright?" (Y/N) asked me after a couple of minutes of silence
"Yes, don't worry." I answered "I just got lost in my thoughts a little."
"You seem upset..." She said quietly
"Am I?" I asked as if everything was fine
"Yes." She replied "You know, Jung-Hoon told me, that if you feel upset, you should..."
"I don't want to hear about him anymore." I interrupted her, stopping eating as well
I knew, that if she continued, I wouldn't be able to keep my feelings inside and letting them out would only cause problems, that neither of us needed.
(Y/N) looked at me with widened eyes, which were shocked and even slightly hurt, but I couldn't tell for sure. Perhaps, this was just me, wanting to see, that she can get hurt by my coldness, but we all know, that you only feel bad because of the people you love.
After all, I was never anything bigger, than a friend to her and I was just imagining her inexistent hidden love for me the whole time. I can already see how her eyes sparkle, when she talks about him. It's a clear sign of a developing crush, which meant, that soon, I might have to let her go away with him. I was just a life jacket, that she needed until she learned how to swim and reached the Earth, where I was useless.
"I can see, that you're worried about something." (Y/N) spoked "You can share it with me, Dazai."
She reached over for my hand and cupped it with her small, gentle ones. I couldn't help, but let my eyes and body soften under her warm touch, enjoying the feeling of her fingers, caressing my knuckles and a couple of cuts on my palm, that I got from a fight during a case a couple of days ago.
She was so unbearably close, yet unbelievably far
A soft sigh escaped my mouth as I felt a terrible urge to feel more of her touches. I wanted to feel her arms around my waist in a gentle hug, I wanted to feel her fingers in my hair, I wanted to feel her chest, pressed to mine during cuddling on a couch and I wanted to feel her lips on mine...
"(Y/N)..." I started, feeling myself getting weaker and weaker with each second as my eyes became wet and sight became blurry "There are things, that I can't share with anyone...not even with you..."
The rain started pouring even more then before.
Indeed, the skies should cry now for it should cry out all the tears, that I shall keep inside.
~~~
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IM ALIVE (almost)
SCHOOL IS TRYING TO KILL ME BUT I WILL NEVER LET THEM GET ME ALIVE, I REMEMBER WHAT MCR'S DANGER DAYS ERA TAUGHT ME
I cried during this chapter a little XD and that's extremely rare for me btw bc I hardly ever cry over books/chapters/films
I think that it's time for me to get a cup with "readers' tears" on it already,what do y'all think?
YOU ARE READING
City Of Stars; Dazai Osamu
FanfictionIf I were to describe you, I would say that you are my favorite flowers and that musical, that I have watched thousands of times, but still love with all my heart. You are my favorite book and my favorite smell. You are a cup of hot chocolate after...
