Misunderstandings

Hope (Short Chapter)

Su Xiaomi

"Passion always dies"

Lying in bed with Yan Yan sleeping beside him on the bed Xiaomi continued to regret. He'd been so caught up in the moment it was only after they were done that Xiaomi could only feel pain. His eyes blurred and he fought back tears. Bringing himself closer to Yan Yan he buried his face in Yan Yan's bare chest inhaling the scent of the person he had missed and still continued to love. Yan Yan didn't open his eyes but simply pulled Su Xiaomi closer trying to get him to settle.

There was an ache in Xiaomi 's chest which continued to grow wider and a pull of darkness that could only suck him in deeper. Reaching up to touch Yan Yan's cheek Xiaomi sighed.

"I'm sorry." He whispered softly pressing a kiss to Yan Yan's lips.

"What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong." Yan Yan spoke finally opening his eyes to look at Su Xiaomi.

"But I did... I am... This shouldn't have happened." Xiaomi spoke sitting up from bed, wrapping the sheets around him and pushing Yan Yan away, who remained silent.

"This wasn't supposed to happen and I know I initiated everything I was just... not thinking."

"I'm so sorry Yan Yan. But this can't happen again." Xiaomi ended getting up from bed and wanting to leave only for Yan Yan to follow after him.

"What did I do?" Yan Yan questioned grabbing Xiaomi by the arm, his grip tight enough to keep hold of Xiaomi but gentle enough not to hurt him.

"Nothing Yan... this isn't your fault it's mine." Xiaomi spoke turning to look at Yan Yan in tears.

Reaching up to caress Yan Yan's cheek but quietly retreating, finding himself unable to touch Yan Yan from guilt.

"Then why was this a mistake?"
"I love you. You love me." Yan Yan spoke pulling Su Xiaomi close to him, tightly grabbing him by the waist and pressing their foreheads together.

"Yan... this won't end well." Xiaomi said to him.

"I don't understand why you keep pulling away. I'm trying to understand Xiaomi but you have to be honest with me. I know I made many mistakes and broke so many promises."
"It's not that Yan. Can you please just drop it... I want to go home. Take me home." Xiaomi begged tears blurring his eyes.

"I'm not going to drop it. I'm not going to take you anywhere until we talk this out. What we did today proves that you still love me."
"Yan.." Xiaomi spoke through his tears before looking back at Yan Yan.

"I can't do this to you"
"Do what? You've done nothing to me. You're not to blame for the situation we're in."
"That's not what I mean. You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me because I am not going to walk away from you."
"But you should." Xiaomi cried.

"You need to forget about me Yan Yan. What I did today was selfish. I love you okay... I love you so much even after all this time regardless of what happened or how you treated me in the past. It's like I have no dignity. I can't stop loving you. I feel so insecure with you because I feel like I'm not good enough even though I try to walk away I can't. Coming here was a mistake."

Even when the room was warm, the sound of the crackling fire from the living room still burned, the night was still dark and even with what had previously happened between them Xiaomi felt not warmth. He felt cold, stupid, and afraid. For the longest time Xiaomi simply continued to cry, clutching the bed sheets around him tightly and feeling like a child.

Yan Yan didn't say anything simply hugged Xiaomi tightly allowing him to cry as much as he pleased. It took a moment for Xiaomi to realize that Yan Yan was also crying. When he pulled away Xiaomi was taken back when Yan Yan kneeled in front of him.