Misunderstandings

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Yan Yan

"I'll call you back." Yan Yan responded before hanging up. He couldn't help but smile at Su Xiaomi upon hearing the news. However, the look in Su Xiaomi's eyes was blank. He himself seemed to have dropped his phone but he could only shake his head.

"I don't want it."

For a moment, Yan Yan was unsure if what he heard from Su Xiaomi was right. His heart clenched and he found himself whispering a what to Su Xiaomi that was too low for anyone to hear.

"What?" Yan Yan spoke once again.

"I don't want it!" Su Xiaomi spoke his voice sounding coarse and like a horse on a verge of madness. His body began to shake and panic settled in his eyes.

"Su Xiaomi."
"No! Why can't you all understand that I want to die!" He shouted in anger.

He began throwing the pillows that were on the bed toward Yan Yan while tears fell from his eyes. Yan Yan allowed him to do so knowing there was something that Su Xiaomi was feeling which he needed to get out in order to let everything out.

"Why!"
"Why should I live when I don't deserve it? There are people in this world that deserve an opportunity. Not me who has always been childish and a bad son!"

His words didn't strike Yan Yan as strange. From the moment Yan Yan had come back Su Xiaomi had continued to say how guilty he felt. It was irrational to feel this way and even though Yan Yan and everyone else had spoken out about this to Su Xiaomi they could do nothing to alleviate any of the pain. Embracing Su Xiaomi tightly he allowed him to hit him until he could only sob into his chest.

It seemed like this was their routine now and in the end all Yan Yan felt was useless. There was nothing he could say or do for Su Xiaomi at the moment.

"Why can't I be with them?" Xiaomi's question only made Yan Yan hug him tighter not wanting to let him go while he tried to portray his own feelings of love and desperation.

"You can't leave me. I may not deserve this and I may not be the right person to plead with you to stay when I myself have let you down. But Su Xiaomi. This is a chance at life again that you are getting. If not for us, the people that love you then do it for them Xiaomi. Your parents would not want you to be like this." Yan Yan spoke.

"I want to leave here. I want to go back to Yiyi's" Su Xiaomi spoke sniffling.

"Alright." Yan Yan complied quietly.

"I need some time alone. Let me pack things up. Please."
"Alright."

Su Xiaomi

There was silence on the way back. It was raining, the sun had risen only to be covered by dark and rainy clouds. Xiaomi felt as if a heavy weight had settled in his chest. He could already see what the next few months would be like. If he was sick now, radiation would only make him feel worse. There would be constant nausea and someone to take care of him. He would once again feel weak, small and useless.

There was guilt that came with this news. Somehow Su Xiaomi couldn't find himself feeling happy. Looking at Yan Yan he really wanted to believe that this person beside him loved him. However, there was that small part of his brain that continued prodding at him and telling him that what this was between him and Yan Yan was nothing more than pity.

Looking out at the window he wondered to himself how long this would all last. The previous moments between them, that one night was something Su Xiaomi would remember forever. Even if the minute after he had regretted that single moment in time he had not thought and simply enjoyed. It seemed like he couldn't turn off that part of his brain which now thought too much. Ironically in the past people thought he didn't think much and now... Sighing he caused Yan Yan to turn to him.