Misunderstandings

Agony

Su Xiaomi

Xiaomi felt a bit too tired to pace in his room. His stomach churned awfully and Xiaomi regretted having eaten so much. He was unsure if this was just his body beginning to understand that he was sick or if this was simply nerves. He'd tried hearing through the door but he was too far away from the living room to hear.

What was Yan Yan saying? What about Auntie and Uncle? Xiaomi was sure that Lu Yiyi's parents were not going to welcome Yan Yan with open arms. This was the outcome that Xiaomi was hoping for. There was too much hurt and so much that was never going to be the same again. Not because Xiaomi was unwilling to try, he loved Yan Yan but putting him through this... Xiaomi couldn't handle it.

The door of his room opening, startles Xiaomi who backed away in surprise and felt his heart race when he saw Yan Yan standing there.

"What are you doing here?" Xiaomi questioned trying to harden his heart the way he had been doing.

"Can I come in?"
"Do I have a choice?" Xiaomi countered but otherwise sat on his bed.

"How are you feeling."
"Fine."
"Why are you here? What do you want?" Xiaomi questioned.

"I wanted to see you. We need to talk."

Silence lingered between them for what felt like hours. Xiaomi watched Yan Yan pace the room silently. The look on his face was something that Xiaomi couldn't decipher.

"I talked to that person." Yan Yan said to him.

"Who?"
"Why Xiaomi?"
"Why what?" Xiaomi questioned unsure of what Yan Yan was asking.

"You tried to kill yourself."

Xiaomi's heart sank when he heard Yan Yan speak of it. He knew that at a certain point he would have to face this part of his past.
"That's not something I want to talk about."
"Xiaomi."
"What do you want to hear? That I was so upset! I felt so heartbroken, alone and pathetic! Is that what you want to hear!" Xiaomi spoke raising his voice while tears began to fall from his eyes.

"I'm sorry." Yan Yan whispered hugging Xiaomi.

There was a feeling of warmth and love that Xiaomi could not deny. The care and love that could only radiate from Yan Yan. Sobbing Xiaomi tried to push him away.

"Get away from me."
"I'm sorry." Yan Yan whispered grabbing Xiaomi's face in his hands and wiping away at his tears using his thumb.

"I know that apologizing doesn't fix things. I know apologizing doesn't turn back time. But it's all I can say."
"Don't apologize." Xiaomi spoke shutting his eyes tightly.
"I don't want to hear you and I don't want you to apologize over things that are in the past. I want you and all of this heartache to stay there."
"I won't let go of you this time. Let me prove it to you." Yan Yan spoke.

"I can't please just leave." Xiaomi begged.

"Su Xiaomi."
"Please!" Xiaomi spoke opening his eyes, aware that he was showing his most vulnerable part at that moment.

"Why can't you see that this is only going to hurt us both... Yan... I'm sick." Xiaomi said to him.

"I know that. I know that you can beat this. I know that you're strong enough."
"There's no donor. This is the second time that I have this."

"You beat it once and I know you can beat it again." Yan Yan

Tears continued to run down Xiaomi's cheeks and he could see Yan Yan's own eyes rimming with tears.

"I'm too tired. I can't keep doing this anymore. Please. Just go can't you see that what you say hurts me." Xiaomi cried.

"I already gave up a very long time ago. Fighting, living, dying it's all the same to me I feel nothing anymore."
"That's not true." Yan Yan spoke his tone desperate.