.''I hate you, I love you''.

-17-

Ashira's pov:

I was unable to sleep at night, not because the train was uncomfortable or something but the images, Gail.... Raiden.... everyone.... I failed them and they died.... it's all my fault...

I pulled out one of the few pill bottles I was given for the pain, to sleep, protein, vitamins and more, I took two of the antidepressant pills with water and sighed, looking out the window and staring at my tired reflection, I passed my hand over the scar on my nose, that wasn't to most of my worry now.... I've even got used to the sight of my own blood.

I looked down at my left arm that was bandaged up and in a sling, my shoulder and arm were killing me and all the other wounds caused by the shrapnel but I did nothing against it, I deserve this pain.... they died....

I looked at Kelly and smiled a little, at least he was around.... he was the youngest of our squad and always loved messing around.... this must hit him hard also.... plus, I have all my body parts while he doesn't.... I'm happy my mother's let me bring him with me, I simply couldn't have left him alone after all this.

"Kelly.... Kelly, wake up we arrive in 20 minutes" I gently shook him.

"o-oh hi sergeant good morning" I shook my head.

"we are no longer in the army you can call me Ashira"

"I don't call you that because of that, it's to show my respect and gratitude"

"then at least use my name sometimes"

"yes sergeant, I'll promise I will" he smiled and I couldn't believe him ever wanting to join the army.

he sat in his wheel chair and took our bags on his knees while I pushed him with one hand, someone helped us get off and now we were waiting outside the train station.

"lucky no reporter around" I muttered, I hated the attention hungry people wanting a scoop with us, only caring for the money they'll get and ignoring what we are feeling about all this.

"yes we are sergeant, who are we waiting for?" I could tell he was happy not to be left alone like when he was a kid.

"my twin" I answered.

"Dash?"

"yeah him, I have no other twin"

"sorry sergeant but between Jake and Flash and Dash.... it can get confusing who is who" I nodded and we waited for a while before the car I used to drive before I left pulled up.

I smiled, Dash looked almost the same as when I left but he was taller, a bit taller than me.... jeez I'm supposed to be the oldest here, his hair was also a bit longer and he.... he had a beard! he doesn't have a huge one but he's not baby faced anymore.

he hugged me and I happily hugged back.

"it's been a while that I saw you real life and not through a crappy Skype call that buffers and cuts out all the time" he said and I chuckled.

"good to see you too, I missed you and everyone else too.... this is Kelly" I waved at Kelly who balanced on his remaining leg and saluted a little before sitting down.

"good to meet you.... both of you, I'm really sorry for what happened" I sighed.

"thanks Dash.... could you drop me off at the coffee shop on the way home" he smiled and nodded?

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I sighed, looking at the shop just after Dash drove away and pulled my military cap in my face, I'm sure most heard or watched the news and knew of what happened but still.

"one second! what would you wish to drink?" I smiled as I saw Belle cleaning something, not even looking up.

"I black coffee with nothing with it" her eyes snapped up and my voice and request.

"ASHIRA!!!!" I laughed as she was half laying on the counter to get close enough to hug me.

"how is my favourite girl" I asked after I heard a cup break but another waiter took care of it as I talked with Belle with a happy smile, she's the best girlfriend you could ever ask for.

Lauren's pov:

I broke the cup I was holding accidentally by letting it slip from my hands when I heard her name and then my mood went sour when I heard what she said.

I discretely glanced in my back and it really was her.... here.... back home....

I didn't have the heart to go there because I knew it wouldn't go smoothly when we first meet so I wouldn't want to fuck up her mood....

I will see her around.... yeah I will.... I'll talk to her then because I want her happy right now.... and I'm scared speechless.... I would be like a statue, silent....

I glanced at her one last time with a big sigh as I looked back to my work, trying to ignore her for now until I can build up courage.... I really am a Lamp leach huh?

I sighed.... I'll talk to her next time we meet.... surely...... hopefully....