Ashira's pov:
I was writing in a note book and sighed, looking at what I what I wrote before throwing it on my bed and standing up and walking down stairs.
I was humming the music that I had come up with to occupy my worthless grey days, still no lyrics since I couldn't get it.
"Ashira? Dash went out with Flash and she got Kelly to hang with them, I need to finish this painting for a client and your mom's at work, would you buy some takeout? their phone service is down and I can't call them" mama said, I weakly smiled, really not felling it, it even felt almost.... painful to smile since it was so fake.
"of course"
"I love you sweet heart you know"
"yeah yeah you too" I felt bad from saying that without feeling it but it also felt like mama was lying, like I couldn't believe her no matter how much time passed.
she gave you a paper with what they ate usually.... seams I'm going the McDonald.
I walked down the streets, staring at the people, they all seemed so happy...... so smiling...... so.... normal....
I was in line for a while and when it was my turn I asked for what was needed.
"here's a soldier discount" oh.... forgot that existed.
"why does she get a discount when I don't?" I hear a bitchy voice behind me.
"excuse me ma'am but military personal gets discounts" the cashier said as I glanced over my shoulder, all customers glared at the fat lady.... pig.
"they don't need special discounts because they work a special job"
"lady" I said, getting a bit enough she disrespected people that worked to keep her safe "us soldiers are out of the field in life and death situation to keep stupid ass people as yourself safe"
"that's your job, that's what you need to do, I don't get discounts for counting stocks"
"listen here!" I yelled, scaring her to take a few steps back as the whole place was silent "I will not let you talk in such way about us! do you know how many people die to keep assholes as yourself safe?! I killed man and woman! I'm not proud of it, war isn't something you can talk about like this! we always risk our lives! I watched nine man.... nine of MY man... nine close friends.... nine brothers by war.... I watched nine man I had under my command be gunned down and blown up, I was able to save one! ONE!!!! AND YOU THINK WAR IS A JOKE?!?!?!"
heavy silence was over the place.
"I wish I had died with them.... you know nothing of the thing called survivor's guilt.... so don't.... dare.... to talk in such way.... know what?! I will tell you word for word the Wikipedia article on it to educate your pea sized brain!...... so.... survivor guilt; also called or survivor's syndrome is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. It may be found among survivors of murder, terrorism, COMBAT, natural disaster, epidemic among the friends and family of those who have died by suicide and in non-mortal situation. The experience and manifestation of survivor's guilt will depend on an individual's psychological profile. When the IV (DSM-IV) was published, survivor guilt was recognised specific diagnosis, and redefined as a significant symptom of PTSD...... UNDERSTOOD?!" I shoved my phone back in my pocket which I had took out to tell her what it was of Wiki.
"how much do I have to pay" I huffed, turning back to the cashier.
"it's on the house" I tried to protest but they didn't leave me a choice.
the weight of everything weight on me even more on the way home.... but I really don't deserve to have survived.... I feel so empty and nothing......... I'm so tired of this.
I didn't even say hello or such when I dropped of the food and went to my room, I really didn't feel hungry for a few days now.... it's not a really problem anyway.
I sat on my bed, lost in the screams and voices in my head.
I glanced over at my note book and hummed the music I had in head once before grabbing the book and letting my hand write down what was coming to my head as the lyrics came, I ignored the tears streaming down my face without stopping and the few falling on the note book.
I finally read over what I wrote, and slowly started to sing it out loud, I stopped a while and I needed to do this no matter what, I turned the recording on my camera on and took my guitar, maybe I'm unable to do complex notes but it's not needed for this.
She said she wants to end it all when she's all alone in her room
She cries
The way she feels inside is too much for her
When all you got is these four walls
It's not that hard to feel so small
Or even exist at all
How come no one heard her when she said
Maybe I'm better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough
To shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I'm better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a word
Hear a word I said?
This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
Gone, gone
This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
She doesn't know she's beautiful
Because no one's ever told her so
And the demons that she has, are all she knows
And maybe she can fall in love with someone in her life that she could trust
And tell her she's enough
How come no one heard her when she said
Maybe I'm better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough
To shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I'm better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a word
Hear a word I said?
This is not where I belong
You gonna miss me when I'm gone
This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
When all you got is these four walls
It's not hard to feel so small
When all you got is these four walls
It's not hard to feel so small
All she wanted was to be enough
All she wanted was to be enough
So what does it take?
Maybe it's not too late
Yeah no one heard her when she said
Maybe I'm better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough
To shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I'm better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a word
Hear a word I said?
This is not where I belong
You gonna miss me when I'm gone
Gone, gone
This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
Gone, gone
This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
I shut off the recording and just sat there, crying before I kicked my guitar of my bed and rolled in a ball near the wall......
"maybe I'm better off dead" I hummed this part of the song, I shouldn't have survived, if only I had died with them.... I'm so sorry..... so so sorry....
YOU ARE READING
.''I hate you, I love you''.
Lupi mannari(3RD BOOK OF BLACKBLOOD SERIES) Ashira and her younger twin by five minutes had a relatively easy life, protected by their pack and families all but from one person Ashira hated just as much as said person hated, she would always pick on them and wi...
