.''I hate you, I love you''.

-20-

(I do think this scarily fits the atmosphere of the story right now..... or what Ashira will slowly start to feel towards Belle)

Ashira's pov:

I was smiling at Belle as we had gone on a sort of date, just walking through the park with a drink.... but on the inside it didn't feel real anymore.... like what was between us died on that war zone that took nines life....

I knew this smile meant nothing to me.... my world was grey so was this the reason? must be.... I can't do this to her.

"you are alright Ashy?" I looked at her and nodded, she smiled and I smiled back.... but I felt like a monster.... lying, using and leading her on when I felt not like myself anymore.

"I'm alright" I said.

"you can tell me if something is wrong"

"I know I know"

"I love you"

"I do too".... lies.... lies lies lies.... it feels like nothing is true anymore.... like everything is worthless right now with no way to lead me.

I constantly felt empty and guilty these days but I could do nothing about it, the medication didn't help it only made it worst, I would stay up crying late and be constantly fatigued even if I slept.... I had lost any envy in any activity and I kept lying through masks of smiles and happiness that were long gone from deep within.

I had my doctor's/therapist appointment today so Belle dropped me off at the hospital.

they directed me to the left wing for the therapy stuff.

I was in the waiting room with your typical group of people, the woman with her baby that wouldn't stop crying, the man that smelled of cigarettes, the teen that listened to music way to loud, the old couple that look close to die.... okay that wasn't needed but still, the overly popular girl that must be her school's queen bee with that facade of makeup.... and the young retired army soldier which type I filled in.

I stared down at my lap with my military cap pulled in my face to hide from anyone's gaze, I like wearing it.... or more precisely I liked wearing it since I fine no enjoyment or like anything anymore anyway, I still did have my old habit of only wearing camo T-shirts which even in this state I couldn't drop like anything else because I literally had nothing else but camo T-shirts of different colour.

slowly the waiting room emptied, one patient after the other getting called in.

"e-euh.... Ashira Blackblood?" I looked up to a really nervous looking doc/therapist...... I guess it's normal because it was easy to understand why after reading her name tag.

"Lamp leach" I muttered, eyes closed, not knowing how to feel because I was unable to feel anything else but worthless and emptiness with guilt even if I wanted to feel anything.

Lauren's pov:

okay she didn't kill for the first 10 seconds I was here.... this is further then I planned reaching to be honest, I thought she was going to storm away but she seemed without energy to even talk at normal speed.

well.... at least she said Lamp leach with is a good and bad thing.... good because she remembers me and bad because she remembers me.... I either dug my own grave or am on the road to mending what I fucked up.

"let's get this over with" she muttered with a sigh and stood up, I lead her to a room but I couldn't hide my nervousness of being around her right now.

"o-okay I'll do the necessary check-ups and then set the next appointments"

"I'm stuck with you huh?" she said after a while of silence and me do my stuff.

"I'm afraid yes"

".... as long as you are not a bitch like back then"

"people change, learn and grow alright, they c-h-a-n-g-e, I'm not that same miss whit a stupid hate for any wolf I see, I've grown and you did too, the past the connects us will never change but the future doesn't need to play out the same"

"you're right on that one.... but why did you specifically hate us?"

"well you see my mom was part werewolf, that's why I am able to become a wolf but have nothing else from the wolf bloodline, she had lost her mate way before she met my father, when I was 8 she came up on a wolf from a nearby pack that turned out to be her second chance mate, dad understood and let her go but I kept a hate for that wolf for taking my mother from me and since I know he came from a close by pack I knew it was from yours and since you were the only one I saw with your twin on a daily basis, the hate stuck to you guys more than the rest but I still hated the rest but you even more since you were the alpha's kids"

she hummed.

"now can I ask you something way less important but you never had answered the question I had put up on the scar on your scar on your face"

"this is the least of my worries right now but once before I came back then I was at a training camp to get away from you and to help Dash since twins in my family always have one as the alpha and the other only omega level, my mother's wanted him to be strong enough to protect himself and I went with him since we are close.... at one time I got in a confrontation with someone and to be fast I ended up falling and taking a circular sow to the face, it was still working so when we noticed what had happened, I was sitting on the ground with a fountain of blood from my face before passing out.... I couldn't take the sight of my own blood after that but when I left again I needed to get over that"

"...... I saw the news report.... is your friend alright and I'm sorry for the loss, must be hard" I said, laying a hand on her shoulder as she stared at the ground, cap blocking the sight of her eyes.

".... he's fine thanks for asking.... getting used to the prosthetic leg the military offered as compensation for his loss.... and thanks, it means a lot even coming from you"

"well enemies have the strongest bond, you can lose a friend.... like drift apart but you will always hate your enemy"

"damn you grew.... not that spoiled little girl anymore"

"hey!" I gently hit her shoulder as she chuckled a bit.

"oh well.... I'm done here, your arm is healing just fine, you'll need to come by in two weeks for that but a weekly meeting for other check-up that the paper calls.... mental checks? hmmm...." I muttered that last part quietly to myself.

"alright, you have my numbers so send me the details" she said.

"you blocked my number when you left"

"oh yeah.... I will unblock you for that then"

"alright"

"alright.... euh.... see you.... later"

"yeah.... see you"

she waved goodbye awkwardly as I watched her leave with a similar little wave without moving from my place.

both's pov:

well I never thought meeting with her again would go this smooth.... this is bound to get interesting from here on out....