My 2018 Diary

12/31/17

     It's currently three in the morning. I'm sitting here with a massive headache and I'm so upset. I absolutely hate having sex. To be fair whenever it's with someone new I love it at least for a while although no guy I've been with has ever been even a slightly good. I just hate having sex all I want to do is cry. I feel so broken, used and worthless. Whenever we have sex I just lay on my bed and let my mind take me somewhere better. I don't care where it is. I don't want to think about what's happening to me. It hurts he always goes way to fast and even though I tell him to slow down it doesn't seem to matter. My insides hurt for hours afterwards. I feel so gross. After he finishes I always want to go straight to bed just so I can be by myself (my parents make him sleep in the guest room). Having to crawl into bed with my sheets be soaking with sweat makes me feel like garbage.

LATER:

My mom is drunk. Along with her my boyfriend and I were drinking and playing cards against humanity surprisingly my dad even played. I am more than pissed. She was definitely implying stuff. What? I'm not exactly sure but I know it wasn't anything good. My heart and souls hurts I just feel so unloved and abandoned by everyone. I just want someone to care about me. Just one person. I don't even have that. I find it funny though how my mom thinks she's a good parent and she's always calling me her best friend. Good joke. She stopped being a "mom" to me a long time ago. She hasn't ever been there for me when I need it most. She will disagree but what did she do when I was twelve and told her I was having thoughts about killing myself? Almost nothing she took me to the doctor, the doctor didn't even say much. She never said or did anything after that. I needed help I was asking for help and what did she do? Leave a child to deal with it all by herself.... Or how about when I was sixteen and I was cutting myself she knew for a while. She knew I was depressed and didn't do shit about it until I got so fed up with it that I went to my school and did something about it. She didn't say a word to me about it until the school started calling.

You're a shitty mother that ignored all my problems because you didn't want to deal with them. Fuck you "Mom". Why do you think my younger brother rather live out of his car than at home? You, mother, haven't supported me in so long I forgot what it feels like to have someone love me and care about me. I'm so tired of it all. So, so tired.

But anyways happy fucking New Years to me.