My 2018 Diary

1/14/18

I just don't know how to feel... I'm definitely still buzzed. I'm scared and hurt. Zach has been over the past couple of days and I've been trying really hard to take my walls down. That was a mistake. We were drinking I was definitely feeling it. Then all of a sudden he picked me up and brought me to the floor. He stripped me of my pants and fucked me. After he was done he moved to my bed and fell asleep.

I laid on the floor for a long time. Then I managed to get up and stumble to the shower. (Btw I'm doing a great job of spelling right now Probably mostly autocorrect) anyway I spent a long time in the shower feeling sorry for myself. I know that husbands and boyfriends can rape you. But was it? I'm not sure. I still feel that way about Reed my first boyfriend. Our relationship was a fucked up mess. Maybe one day I'll say more. Zach was suppose to be the nice guy he saved me from Reed. This isn't the first time I've felt this way though...

I didn't say no. How can you to your boyfriend? But I know I didn't want it I didn't want him to do that. I feel so fucked up. I hate my life so much. I want to die so often sometimes I don't know why I don't just fucking do it. I want to cry but I can't. Luckily my mom is still sleeping in her room so I can lay on the couch. It's almost 4 the day has gone by. I don't know what to do. SOMEONE PLESE HELP ME! I don't know what to say when he wakes up... I want to get in my car and drive away for hours. I can't though he's parked behind me and I'm way to tipsy. I'm not that religious but god please help me.