My 2018 Diary

1/20/18

     It got over 70 degrees today. In January. That's crazy. All of these thoughts and feelings started coming back. I feel homesick but not for a place, for a time. I had my window open today and all of the warm outdoorsy smells reminded me of childhood. When I was a kid I had a bright yellow room with two windows in it. There were some mornings I woke up so happy I would dance around with a giant smile on my face. I was so happy I didn't know what to do. Now I wonder where she went. Where did that free spirited happy person go?

     Summer reminds me of hope. The day after school got I out I had all these big plans for the summer. I was always going to reinvent myself (although I never really did). There was a fierce hope that drove me to want to make changes. I would read magazines and practice makeup and tell myself I'll start running in the mornings. I always dreamed that the next school year would be better than the last (even though each year they seemed to get worse).

     I miss her. I miss that young happy version of me who wasn't scared to make a decision. She was thinking about which games to play, not about whether or not her friends were thinking about her. That girl wasn't worried about what size she wore, she was to busy swimming with friends. She wasn't thinking about how she needed straight A's to impress people, she was focused on learning. That girl spent every moment enjoying life. From the tv shows she watched to the food she ate to the creative projects she made. Now all I do is sit around waiting for the day to end so the next one will start. How did I become this? When did I lose my spark of life? I use to love being creative! I loved writing and books, music and crafts, clay and dance. Now all I do is sit in front of the tv wasting my days away.

     All I want to do is go back although I know I'll never be able to.