My 2018 Diary

1/6/18

   I don't even know right now. My mind is just filled with all kinds of thoughts. Zach is out with friends from work again. It jut makes me really sad. I'm glad he's out and having a good time but I hate not being able to go out either.

     I did unfriend Bekah. She found out in five minutes. She was pissed and she was like whatever I'm not going to fight for you. So I let her go because that's always been the problem. She has never fought for me. I've been a really good friend to her I have been there when everyone else left. I wanted to be her friend. I feel really guilty about it right now. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay I did this for me she kept hurting me and I don't need that in my life. I feel like I have to apologize though and that's just messed up. 

     So one person down one of these days I'm going to breakup with Zach. I just can't seem to find the courage though. I know I'm using him but it's not like I'm hiding that fact he 100% knows that's what I'm doing and he still stays. So yes I am a bitch because I'm using him as a place holder. Yes I'm a bitch because I let him spend lots of money on me. Yes I'm a bitch for letting him continue to drive down here to see me mostly so I can have him drive me around. I know I'm a bitch. He seems to be okay with it he knows I'm going to leave for the first guy who looks my way. It's honestly sad to see him be okay with this. I know he loves me but I just don't love him haven't in a couple of years.