All Over Again

Part 12

*Warning: Heavy Chapter *

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I pace the bedroom fiddling with the rings on my finger, I glance up at the clock for the sixth time in the last two minutes. "Cassie, babe. Breathe. He'll be here, and it'll be fine." Matt says from his seat on the bed, watching me as I have a miniature freak out. I continue pacing and scowl towards him shaking my head.

"This is my brother we're talking about. He's not just going to be okay with us being married Matthew!" I say exasperated. "He was mad enough last time and that was just us sleeping in the same bed because I had a bad day. And you think us going oh by the way we've actually been married for four years, is just going to be perfectly fine?!" I hear my voice going higher and feel my chest tightening as the panic grabs on full force. I gasp in trying to capture air as the world around me starts to blur and fade as I fumble around falling to the floor. I pull my knees to my chest and feel as if the world is closing in on me.

"Damn it, Cas. Baby breathe okay? In. Out. In. Out." I feel the warmth of Matts body near mine as his voice echos through the fog to help me slow my breathing. "You're okay sweetheart." I squeeze my eyes shut and lean into his hold as the world starts to even itself out again. "He won't like it, we know that. He has to accept it though, eventually."

I sniff and rest my head on Matts shoulder, with my eyes still closed. "I don't know if I can do this Matt. Tell him everything thats happened. I don't think I can make him hate me that much."

I feel a warm calloused hand on my cheek and open my eyes to look into Matthews, "He won't hate you sweetheart. He couldn't." His lips press briefly over mine, as he returns to his standing position. I grasp his hand allowing him, to pull me up next to him.

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"Let me get this straight. Not only have you slept in bed with my sister but you married her!?" Jake stands in front of Matt and I pacing across the room. "When was the wedding? Huh?! You did legally marry her right?"

I close my eyes briefly and squeeze my hands into fists, feeling my hands shaking. "Jake, it was just over four years ago. It wasn't like we just up and decided to marry." Matthew cuts into my brothers angry rant, effectively shutting him up for a moment.

"Wait what!? Four years ago? She was nineteen you idiot!" Jake snaps stopping his pacing to glare at his best friend.

I look cautiously between the two men, both wearing matching expressions of anger. "I was seventeen when we started dating Jake. Like Matt said, we didn't just up and decide to get married, and I'm happy."

"You dated for two years and neither of you thought to tell me...? Honestly you two." The frustration in Jake's voice growing.

Matt reaches over and squeezes my hand reassuringly. "I don't regret it Jacob. I love your sister, more than anything. She means the world to me, and I get you're angry but suck it up and listen to her for once. We all know you haven't done so before." My eyes widen and I look over at my brothers whos own eyes are filled with confusion.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He looks between my husband and me. "Cas? What's he talking about sis? I've always listened to you."

I slowly shake my head, looking down at my hands. "Except when I needed you." I whisper squeezing my hands tighter. "Except for the times I'd tell you that our parents hated me. The times I'd beg you to know why they didn't love me, when they loved you. You never listened then." I keep my gaze fixed to the floor, my voice quiet. "You didn't listen when I told you I wanted to die. All you said was okay. You were always to busy to listen to me." I feel the tears slide down my cheeks and Matts hand rubbing circles across my back. "I needed my big brother. But he never listened to me, not when I needed him too. Sure you'd listen but only if I was complaining about how I hated homework, or how baked potatoes are better than mashed." I scoff in a lame attempt at a laugh. Jake remains silent across the room. I look up and glance at him, seeing him staring at me. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and push up from the couch and walk down the hall into my bedroom.

I slide down to the floor at the far side of the bed away from the door. Pulling my knees to my chest, I wrap my arms around myself and stare ahead of me in silence. Not having any tears left to cry. A while later I hear a soft knock on the door, and then the sound of footsteps coming closer. I glance up to see Jake standing a few feet away, looking down to me his face filled with emotion. "Can I sit?" His voice comes out thick and heavy sounding. I shrug and scoot over to allow him space against the bed. We sit quietly for a few minutes before he speaks again. "Did you really think I would hate you for being with Matt?"

"I didn't want to ruin anything else for you. I ruined most of your life. I didn't want to tell you because I wanted you happy and to stay friends. I know you Jake, you already hate me. I juust don't want you to hate him." I say keeping my gaze on my finger where the rings lie. "He doesn't deserve it."

Jake sighs and turns his body to face me. "Cas, I could never hate you honey. You're my baby sister. I love you." He rubs his hand over his face watching me, "I always have. I don't know what I did to make you think other wise but I'm sorry. So damn sorry." I shrug and look over in his direction.

"It was more what you didn't do." I pause, biting my lip. "You never proved or said other wise. Our parents made sure I knew they hated me, and that everyone else did too. You never argued with them. You never told me you loved me. I spent years wondering what I did wrong that everyone could love you but hate me." I shake my head, "I asked you when we were little why they told me they hated me. You told me I heard wrong. I didn't, and for years you heard them tell me how much they hated me. How much of a disappointment I was. I asked you if you loved me. You refused to answer me." I look away from him and to the wall.

"Cassie. Look at me." I shake my head and remain turned away. "Cas, I never knew what they were saying to you honey. I saw them talking to you but never knew what they would say to you. You were so damn strong I never saw how much you were hurting. For that I am sorry. I never hated you honey. I told you I loved you, I know I did." I shake my head at his words.

"No you didn't. Not where you meant it. Like them it was only around our grandparents." I mutter and cross my arms over my knees again.

"Cassandra. Listen to me okay. I love you sis, I always have. And I'm sorry if I didn't tell you enough. But I do love you honey." I feel his hand on my shoulder and lean into his hold, allowing myself to be pulled into his side.

I chew my lip for a minute before deciding to tell him everything else. "You have to promise not to get mad and hate me." I glance up at him, and see him frowning at me. "Please Jake, just promise. And promise not to hate Matt."

Jake sighs and nods, "Okay..... I promise."

I swallow hard and turn my face away from him, not wanting to look him in the eye. "I was seventeen when I finally gave up. I was ready to die. I couldn't stand failing everyone again and again. I didn't want to live where everyone hated me, and knew they wouldn't even miss me. You and Matt where about twenty at the time and had been busy with college and work. I was in the barn when he found me sitting on the floor in one of the stalls." I pause and rub my finger over the rings on my hand. "I had already planned it out. I was going to take the whole bottle of pills and die the one place I was ever happy, near the horses. I had a bunch of pills in my hand and was moving them to my face when he stopped me. We dated for a couple years before we eloped, when I was nineteen and he was twenty two. We would sneak out and around to spend time together for that year we were married. But then I ruined it by leaving." I shake my head, "I had to leave. Mom and dad made it clear how everyone felt about me. They made me believe anyone who ever cared was lying. I couldn't stand the thought." I stop for a moment collecting my thoughts and run my hand over my face. "I called Matt, I needed him to talk to me. But he didn't answer because he was busy at the rodeo. So I packed up and left, not telling anyone why. I couldn't talk to anyone. So I came here, planning to die where I had always wanted to live. I was going to stay for a while, hoping Matt would find me."

"Cassie....." I hear Jake next to me, "Sis, you should have told me."

I cut him off after a moment to prepare myself. "I was moving in and had stuff unpacked when I decided to take a nap. I woke up later, in more pain than I'd ever felt. All I remember is seeing blood. I guess I called an ambulance since when I woke up later I was in the hospital." I close my eyes and feel my hand drift towards my belly. "I was pregnant Jake. I didn't even know. I lost my baby. I lost Matt's baby."
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