All Over Again

Part 4

A week later I'm standing in my room loading my clothes into the suitcase on my bed as I prepare to leave and go back to my apartment.  I hear a knock and turn to see Jacob standing in the doorway and watching me.  "Everything go okay?  You two didn't kill each other, so it clearly wasn't to bad."  I just glare in his direction and zip my suitcase closed, before yanking it off the bed.  I push my way around him and through the door way,  "Cas, you don't have to leave you know.  You could stay here again."  I turn towards him and down the hallway, pulling my suitcase behind me.  

I turn around glaring at him through tears of frustration.  "I didn't even want to stay Jake.  I came for the wedding.  That was supposed to be it, wedding and then away from here."    He opens his mouth to reply and I cut him off.  "I told you multiple times Jacob, I didn't want to come back here.  If I left, why would I want to come back much less stay.  You make like it here but I don't.  This place is the past, and that's where it and everything that was there is going to stay."  I turn slamming the front  door behind me and jog to my car where I toss the suitcase into the back seat, and climb in buckling as I back out.

Driving down the highway I think about everything that happened while I lived there years ago.  I think about the photo I have tucked away in the closet and the pictures I have in my apartment.  I remember all the times I sat in my room crying because my parents had told me that I would never be what they had hoped for, and that they wished I could just be like Jacob.  Several hours later when I pull into the driveway at my apartment complex I lean back and let the tears fall.  All the memories are why I can't go back.  I can't look back, it's over.  It's the past. 

Laying in my bed that night I dream about how the two years before I left.  The best two years that I can remember.  Leaving doesn't feel any better three years later, but I had too.  I can't go back there.  Everything that happened can only play out in my head.  It can never be again.  

XxXxXxX  5 days later XxXxXxX

Sitting on my couch and flipping through a book, I pause when I hear a knock at the door.  I glance at the clock and bite my lip.  I don't remember anybody saying they where coming by.  Sighing I bookmark my page and stand up pulling the sweatshirt tighter around myself.  Not bothering to look through the peep hole I swing the door open.  "So that's where that went.  I thought I just lost it, but no.  Apparently you've had it for three years."  I cringe when I hear his voice looking up at him with a scowl.

"Why are you even here Matthew.  It can't be just to see if I had your sweatshirt."

He looks down at me and I see his eyes flickering over my face as if he's trying to read me.  "I can't just want to see you?  We didn't exactly end on the best note, I wanted to make sure you where okay."

"Matt, we didn't end on a good note last time either, and you never came looking then so why the hell are you really here?"  He sighs glancing down the hallway over his shoulder.  

"Can I at least come in so this isn't completely weird?"  I rub my hand over my face before stepping to the side and walking to my couch.  He follows behind me pulling the door closed behind him before sitting on the opposite end of the couch.  He opens his mouth, but pauses when he looks at the pictures on the side table.  "You still have those?   I thought...."

"I may have left but I still kept pictures of the past.  I'm not ignoring what happened, we both know it happened.  I don't regret it, it was the best day of my life.  But we both know I couldn't stay."

"Why the hell couldn't you stay?  It wasn't illegal or anything.  I thought we where happy and wanted it to happen.  You say you don't regret it but you left a year later, without telling anyone.  I was terrified something had happened to you, but when Jake said you packed up and left...."

I reach over for the picture and stare at it.  "I left Matt, but you never came after me.  I left because of my family and because I had to leave."  I feel the tears sliding down my face and quickly reach up wiping them away.  "I didn't want to hurt you Matt.  I couldn't say goodbye, especially not after this day.  Like I said I don't regret it.  It was the best day I've ever had."

He frowns at me reaching over to squeeze my hand.  "We could have told them Cassie.  You didn't have to leave because of them."

"You don't get it Matt!  My parents hated and still hate me!  They would have laughed and told you to get out of it as fast as you could.  I knew that they would only rip us to pieces, they did it to me my whole childhood.  Jake would have been pissed.  It doesn't matter anymore, it happened four years ago."

"Jake may have kicked my ass, but he loves you sweetheart.  He would have been happy if you were.  And don't say it doesn't matter, we got married baby.  It was the best thing that happened to me.  If you don't want to stay there fine, I'll stay with you.  I'm just not going to watch you leave again."  

I squeeze my eyes shut and hold the picture to my chest.  "Shut up Matt."  I bite my lip and sniff back tears.  "I was happy too, but everything fell apart.  It hurt me just as much as it hurt you.  We can't....."  He pulls me close to his chest and I lean into him letting the dam break.

XxXxXxXxX