All Over Again

Part 11

Jerking awake, I blink away the tears falling down my face. I roll over in the bed, turning to face Matthew, my husband.  Despite the tears, I smile softly at the title.  It was so long ago that it came into existence for us, but still doesn't seem real.  I glance at my hand, where the rings I used to wear on a chain, now rest.  I look at the clock on the table behind Matt and sigh, as it only reads, 2:22am.  Matt rolls over, and his eyes slowly blink open.  "Mhhm.  What time is it?"  

I reach over brushing the stray hairs away from his face.  "It's only 2:25."

His brows furrow in confusion.  "Why are we awake then?"

I yawn, "I don't know why you're up.  I just-"  I bite my lip and pick at the skin around my nails.  

"Cassie."  I feel, his warm calloused fingers under my chin.  "What's wrong sweetheart?"  

I swallow hard and shake my head.  "I just.....I keep dreaming about it.  It hurts so much Matt."  I feel the tears sliding down my cheeks faster than before.  "It hurts so damn much."  I collapse into him, leaving my head tucked into the crook if his neck as he runs his hand up and down my back.  

"I can't do this.  I can't."  His arms tighten around me, and I hear his breathing catch.

"Cas, your strong honey.  You can do this."

I pull away from him, and sit up drawing my knees to my chest.  "No I can't.  I can't keep seeing our baby die.  I can't."  My voice cracks as I barely get the words out.

He sits up next to me and puts one arm around me.  "Damn, it Cassie.  Come here."  I curl into him again and feel my body shaking.  "You don't have to do this alone.  I'm here now sweetheart.  I'm not going anywhere."  

I nod against his body, and look up to his face, which is looking down to me, his own eyes filled with sorrow.  "I'm sorry Matt."  I whisper as I wiggle one hand loose to rest it on his jaw.  "I'm sorry."  

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

XxXxXxX

"How far along where you?"  I hear Matts voice behind me, as I finish dumping the pasta into the boiling water.

I stiffen momentarily.  "The best they could estimate was eight or nine weeks."  I turn around to face him, "I don't really know.  All I know is that I never had any signs until it happened."  I cross my arms while chewing my lip.  "I keep dreaming of that day over and over."  

Matthew walks over, and presses his lips to my forehead.  "We'll be okay Cassie.  I promise."  I rest my head against his chest, and let out a deep breath.  "I love you sweetheart.  So damn much."  I look up at him and pull his face down to mine.  He rests his forehead against mine, gently brushing his lips over mine, before pulling back and turning to the stove.  He stirs the pasta around the pot, and turns to the cabinet next to us reaching for two bowls.  

"After I lost the baby....."  I bite my lip and look to the ceiling, "All I wanted to do was die.  I couldn't stand the thought of ruining anyone else's lives, or hurting them.  I left Colorado, because of it, only to come here and.......  The only thing that kept me going was our pictures.  And hoping maybe you'd find me."  I wipe my eyes and smile at him.  "You did.  It just took a lot longer than I hoped for."

Matt sighs and dishes the pasta into the bowls.  "I know, Cas.  I'm sorry I didn't figure it out to be here with you sooner."

"Shut up Matt.  You're here now, for what ever reason you haven't left.  I'm not going to be angry or sad about it anymore."  

I grab the bowls from his hands, turn walking to the table where I set them across from each other alongside the napkin and silverware.  

XxXxXxX