You Know Your Rights!

High & Dry

Kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces
You just sit there wishing you could still make love - Radiohead

We just released our album, Absurdism that day.  It was strange. Of course it would be. For starters we decided to release the album on December 8th : John Lennon's assassination date. The next thing was that we were reminded that since it's a debut album and since it doesn't have a huge backing behind it (despite it being released by a major music company) it might not make a lot of sales. We kinda started out with the short end of the stick.

However, I couldn't be happier. I felt a sense of pride being able to say my band just released their first album! 

I was also happy for you. You released your debut album a few months back, and I thought it was fucking amazing. Now you were touring. We still talked to each other, but seeing you in person and talking to you over the phone sadly aren't the same thing.

We had a gig that night. I remember feeling so awkward on stage, but then just letting go and not caring anymore.  I didn't feel like myself anymore. I felt like I was purely the stage's product. It was exhilarating of course , but it was like I blacked out for 40 minutes and then just miraculously woke back up.

After we finished we were awarded with applauds from the audience. Afterwards we made our way back stage and were greeting by this other up-incoming band. They were called Mother Love Bone. They said they liked our sound and hoped that we could tour together to gain relevance and popularity together. It seemed like a good idea. We all agreed so anyway. We just had to inform our management about it to combine our gigs.

It was fun, but I still wasn't completely content. You were far away from me. Like Europe far away from me. You said the people over there really loved you though, and I couldn't be mad at you for having a successful career.

While you were over their we were growing over here. The Seattle scene seemed to grow along with us. Along the way some yuppies from California seemed to dig our style as well. It was fun. Our bands were doing great, and for the most part I didn't regret one bit of it.

The only thing I regret was walking in on Andy from Mother Love Bone one night. We just got finished a gig one night. It was longer than usual and was more exhausting than usual, but it still seemed fine to me and my band at least.

We all congratulated each other on a good show and whatnot all of us saying that we would meet up again a few nights from now. However, since I didn't get to really talk to Andy like I usually did after shows I went to try and find him.

I crept up to his room backstage hoping to catch him before we both parted our separate ways. All of a sudden all I heard was painful grunts coming from inside his room. It scared me. I immediately opened the door to find his eyes glazed over looking comfortably numb while he pulled in the syringe filled with a brown liquid straight into his veins. He looked dead almost like a zombie. I audibly gasped trying to make sense of and logically wrap my head around what I just saw.

He didn't see or hear me though. I guess the drugs just muddled and warped his surrounding. I slowly walked away from the door as the girls and the guys from our bands were chatting away like nothing was wrong. I just went back up to them and started talking too acting like everything was all fine and hunky dory, but I couldn't shake away that thought from my mind.

Alison couldn't notice my sudden uncomfortableness, but Icy could. She kept pestering me on why I was acting all stand-offish, nervous, and unfocused all of a sudden. I kept saying that I was just feeling a bit sick all of a sudden and that my pills make me drowsy. She stopped questioning me, but the look in her eyes told me that she didn't believe one bit of what I was saying.

We eventually went back home and I dialed you up immediately. I was still in shock from what I saw earlier. I may be somewhat naive, but I'm not stupid. I knew what he was pushing into his veins. I knew he was poisoning himself, but what am I to do in a situation like that? 

I called you acting a bit more hysterical than usual ,and you were nothing but worried.

"Clar, what's wrong you have to tell me?", you said this with nothing but urgency in your voice.

"I found him strung out on drugs, Kurt! I found him on drugs!" I shouted louder than earlier not being able to properly contain all of the emotions within me.

"Who Clarisse? Who's he?"

I began to go on to tell you that it was the guy that I was partnering with to go out to gigs. You comforted me for the next half an hour on the phone until my crying came to a complete stop. All was left was my soft whimpering and sniffling.

"Kurt, promise me I will never ever see you like that."

"You won't Clar. Believe me you won't."

"I'm beings serious Kurt! I don't want to see the deadness in your eyes like I saw in his I can't loose you!"

"You won't, Clarisse I promise."

That was it. I thought that was it. 

I should've paid attention to you more...

I should've seen the signs..

I'm sorry.