You Know Your Rights!

Deathly Lost

Life it seems will fade away
Drifting further everyday
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone - Metallica

It was spiraling out of control for you. Our little family was falling apart. 

Drugs seemed to consume and rot your body. It got to the point where I couldn't recognize you. Your once skinny but heathy body was now scrawny and anorexic looking, your skin was now a depressing and pale shade of grey, and finally your lovely blue eyes that once held so much life in them looked dead. Whenever, I had the courage to speak to you or look you in the eye it looked like I was talking to a decomposing corpse.

I couldn't stand that hell known as our home life. It got to the point where I couldn't even bear to sleep in the same bed as you, let alone in the same room. The one time I did decide to sleep in the same bed as you I stayed up all night and continuously broke into sweating. I would twitch and scratch at my skin causing bleeding on my hands, arms, and fingers. I knew that this relationship wasn't normal or healthy. It was far from it. Our little paradise and happy home turned into hell so quickly. The fall from grace was almost instantaneous. It happened over night. We were happy and together one day and recluse and paranoid the next.

I was missing you. The real you, not this creature that took the form of you. You were drifting further and further away from me into the arms of Courtney Love. I knew the fling was happening, but I never thought of bringing up to you. I lost the will to fight, just like you how you have lost the will to live.

But you still blessed me with a gift, Frances. On days when I thought I was close to drowning myself our daughter was there to drag me from out of that pit of despair and that sea of sorrow. Her angel blue eyes were so reminiscent of yours and reminded me only of you. But her small heavenly laughs were solely hers and were the only thing that made me happy at that time. It was also the only thing that motivated me. It would've been so easy to neglect her and do nothing like you were doing to us. However, I refused to become what my mother was and what your father was. I promised myself this. I loved her too much to do that to her. I still loved you too much to do that to her. I knew if you were in the right frame of mind you would've been disappointed in my apathy when it concerned my daughter. I was her sole and only care giver now. I couldn't let her down, like you did. She was too innocent and too young to know what being let down felt like.

However, I couldn't stand your poisonous and shadowy figure lurking around the house by yourself. With this in mind I organized an intervention for you. All our friends were there too. Kim, Dave, Krist, Icy, Alison, Frances, and I were all there. Back then it looked like some sort of comedic party that you'd find on Seinfeld or even South Park with how corny and out of place it all was, but now that I look back on it it was like your first funeral. I had damned you to that health clinic. They didn't understand you, neither did I. As a matter of fact nobody really did. You were too damaged beyond repair, but we all thought that this would be the best for you. Plus, you were nothing, but compliant and calm during this whole ordeal. While, I was jittering and scared during your intervention you took all the truths everyone told you and 'agreed' to get help.

The day we sent you away was the oddest and one of the hardest days for me. Even though you were metaphorically dead you were still physically living. In some strange way  it helped me to know you were still in the house along by me despite the fact we barely ever talked or interacted with each other anymore.

You just finished packing your bags, you were pushing your bags through the door with your shoulders slumped over. The sun seemed to kiss your face as it enveloped you in it's light; it was the very light neither you nor me have seen in months.

You then turned back towards me and looked down towards my sleep deprecated eyes which met your own cold grey ones. It was reminiscent of a depleted ocean, or a sea filled with chemical wastes with it's inhabitants rotted and mutated. Those were one of the days I'll always remember.

You gently pulled me into a hug, but it lacked the strength and love that it used to possess.

"I'll get better soon, and I'll be back for you and Frances, I promise."

"Ok, I love you. Please come back soon. I miss you."

"I will, I promise." 

"Bye."

"Bye." Your gruff, yet cold and weak voice sounded out.

Before you turned back towards the door to leave you gently kissed Frances' and my own head. While, it should've been reassuring it was only scary and dreadful for me. All I kept thinking and hoping for was that you'd make a recovery, and come back home to us as the man you were, and not the one you were morphed into. I kept asking myself will you keep your promises or break them like you have been doing time and time again. 

You broke your promises again, and this time there was nothing I could do to mend or repair them. There was simply nothing more to give. You are I were deathly lost.