You Know Your Rights!

Leave You Low & Blow Your Mind

They love you when you're on all the covers
When you're not, then they love another
They love you when you're on all the covers
When you're not, then they love another

There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
That want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low and blow your mind - Marilyn Manson

Touring around the states and in Europe was amazing to say the least. We got to meet all these different bands like Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Sonic Youth, and Hole. They were all very talented. It was amazing to be around some like-minded people for once in our lives. You have made friends with the members from Sonic Youth and Hole quite quickly. Their front women, Kim Gordon and Courtney Love, got along swimmingly with you especially. I thought nothing of it at the time. You needed friends outside of me and your bandmates, and you thought nothing of me hanging out with the guys from AIC, Soundgarden, and Pearl Jam. It just wasn't in me to be jealous or envious of your happiness. You never made me question your faithfulness and your interest in me, so why be worried right.

However, I can't lie and say I didn't feel a twinge of envy when I saw you continuously hanging out with them rather than me. It hurt a bit, but back then I just thought it was just me being stupid and irrational. I always had a tendency for over reacting. 

'It probably just me overreacting again and being silly.' I would constantly say this to myself to the point it became like my mantra whenever you went to hang out with them.

However, I couldn't remain solely focused on you. It wasn't healthy for me. You were my new drug, and I was becoming too dependent on you. I guess I was losing it with being too paranoid because I just had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying you were out doing something bad with them. You were leaving me. You were going to leave me in the dust like everyone else did.

I was too much in a daze until one of the Pearl Jam guy's , Eddie, gently nudged me to get me back into reality. He asked me what's wrong, but I just laughed it off and said I just haven't been taking my pills for my insomnia and we just carried on with our day. 

When I said this Icy shot me a look. Damn! She was like a lie detector. She always knew when there was something off with me. It irked me how well she knew me, but I knew she only looked out for me and did this out of love.

It was great all the guys and I just were having fun and hanging out. We stayed out pretty late. It was like 2:00 A.M.

When I arrived at the hotel we were staying at I made my way into the room, but to my horror I saw the same look in your eyes that first haunted me when I saw Andy like that. You were strung out on drugs. How could you?

'Why, Goddamnit, why!' I unknown to myself thought out loud. When you heard me I quickly tried to make my way out of the room, but to no avail as you enraptured me in your sweating, pale, and shaking arms.

I immediately crumbled into your body. I was vulnerable and weak. You hugged me from behind. As I buried my newly dampened face from tears in my hands. 'Damnit why?' I thought to myself.

"Please don't leave me!" You urged weakly.

"You lied to me." I said shakily. I hesitantly looked up at you as you ashamed looked away from me.

"I told you about what happened to Andy, and now he's dead. You promised me I would never see you like that ever. Why did you lie to me? I thought we were a team. I never lied to you about anything. Yet, you did, and you hurt me, badly." I whimpered out sadly.

"I'm sorry. I promise I won't do it again." You confidently stated as you turned me around and made me stare you directly into your dazed now greying eyes. I sniffled and nodded. But I knew I was witnessing the life slowly fade away from within you, crumble, and shortly die.

I believed you for a second time and I was stupid. Why didn't I just say, 'No you need help' or just leave you?

I was desperate to be with you. You were after all the first friend I had, the first kiss I had, my first boyfriend, and now my fiancé. I couldn't leave you I loved you so much to leave you. I still love you to this day, but why that wasn't  the final straw for me to just say, ' Maybe you should get treated ,or go to the doctor.' I don't know why. I still question myself on that. Maybe you would still be here, and maybe your love wouldn't have withered for me like your insides have. 

So many what if's run through my mind when I look back at this day. This was when your addiction problem really began to surface at least for me. I know everyone else told me constantly that you had the problem for a while now, and I was just really naive, but this was all new to me. I never knew the signs, and you were always a sickly child so I just thought it was just that. You had scoliosis and stomach issues so I never looked into it.  Plus, I knew you smoked weed. Everyone did that, and for the most part it didn't cause any bad side-effects. But I never knew it was stuff like heroine and cocaine. If I did I would've gotten you off that stuff immediately, but I was too little too late, and too stupid to realize this.

After you told me and convinced me that you would stop we went to bed and you immediately fell asleep on me with your arms wrapped around me and your head laid on my chest. 

But I on the other hand couldn't fall asleep. My eyes were wide open all night, and I couldn't stop thinking of the position and the situation I saw you in just moments prior. 'Damn.' I thought aloud to myself. All night my eyes were wide open, but to awareness of this situation and how deep it ran my eyes were wide shut.