You Know Your Rights!

I Thought We'd Last Forever

Where'd you go?
I thought we'd last forever
Where'd I go?
I was sinking through the leather
I need you back
I need you back (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I need you, bad
I need you back - Joji Miller

April 8th 1994 hit me like an atomic bomb. Waking up to hear you have died three days prior to my knowledge only made it worse. I was at square one again. Recluse, minimal, unloved, unknown, and alone. It made my self hatred spike up again. It got so bad that even Frances couldn't rectify my ever-growing sadness. It was my heart that was lost in the darkness.

It was dreadful. While, I lived to see another day you will never follow. It was suppose to be till death do we part, quite literally. You broke yet another promise to me again. Where did you go? I thought we would last forever.

While you opened fire towards your head you simultaneously opened fired towards my already bruised and wounded heart.

In a sense when I look back at how your death was revealed to me and to everyone that ever loved you I always view you as selfish. Excluding fame, you had me, you had Dave, Krist, Courtney, Kim, but most importantly you had Frances, and to all of us your cold and uncalculated response was 'fuck it'. You decided to blow your brains out without confiding in any one of us like you usually did. 

Our kingdom was now a war zone filled and littered broken feeling and unfiltered thoughts and beliefs. No one could run through here without having their limbs blown off, and being left to die. You left me and Frances to die. You didn't care if we wasted away or lived to see another day.

Your life was like a house being consumed by a raging and growing fire. You draw and trap people in, never allowing them to escape. However, those who do escape leave with burn marks to prove they have indeed been around you and have felt your drenching and sweltering heat. But you didn't care.

The outside world has lost all appeal to me. The only time I went outside was to go to your funeral. It was so grim and bleak. When I looked down at the remains of your now 'cleaned'  still mangled body. 

Everyone there was dead silent, and no one  spoke a word. As I took one look down towards your body I gasped and began to weep hysterically; breaking the dreadful silence that surround myself and all those around.

"Oh God!" I cried out in despair. 

I began to run a free shaky hand through my tangled and uncombed hair. 

"This can't be real. This can't be real." I began to mutter out loud to myself. I began to step back still uttering these words out to myself as they became my mantra in trying to shut out the world and comfort myself.

No one came to comfort me that day. While, everyone valiantly tried it all fell onto deaf ears, and was in the end all fruitless and meaningless. No one came near.

You left me all alone. That was all that mattered at that time. Not myself, not Frances, and certainly not any one of our friends. They were all out of my sight and out of my mind. I needed you back, and badly. Why'd you leave me, and where did you go? 

We were just to lost souls swimming in a fish bowl who confronted each other with our own fears and differences. With this in mind we decided to become one and help each other overcome our boundaries. We tainted each other in this process. Black and white mixed to become one all those years back and became a desolate and bleak color of grey. Our purities and uncleanliness both contaminated and cleansed our beings.

However, back then it was now the end. You abandoned me. You have left me and our home. 

We buried you along with your name. You were hardwired to self-destruct. We laid you to rest. It was your time to finally retire. It was like we were living in a dream, but reality came back to bite us in the ass, and damn us eternally. Your halo and wings were on fire. It was time for you to sleep, dear angel please sleep.

After the funeral I dropped Frances off at your mother's house. I wanted to ensure she would be safe while I was gone.

I didn't know why I felt that way. All I knew is that I wanted to finally fly away. I couldn't have you run away to seek asylum far away from me. I wanted you back. I needed you back, badly. I remained to hesitant to accept the fact that you had left me and that you were far way from me now, forever. Zoloft, Xanax please give me my wings.

When I came home I downed handfuls of pills down my throat like they were pieces of candy, and not poisons meant to put me to sleep. I needed to be relieved, and to be at peace. Numbness began to consume my body as the pills began to blur my vision and cause my breathing to slow and began to slowly stop. I just wanted to sleep, forever. This was my way of asking the world to please just let me be.  I have lost, and these drugs were my new antidote, and not you anymore.

'What more is there to give?' I thought to myself. 

'It's the end.' I continued. 'My expiration date is here and I am due to perish.'

'I've been holding on for to long.' 

You made me sad, and you made me mean. But then I was mad, and I felt unclean. I was a mess, but those drugs to me were meant to make me be free.