You Know Your Rights!

It's Not Fair, To Deny Me

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother - Alanis Morissette

Ever since that day you knew I changed. It was never addressed openly, but it was like a silent rule that everyone knew about. It wasn't necessarily an instant change just over night, but it was a build up of rage, emotion, and a lack of libido that lead to me being an even more controversial and a much more radical musical artist. People at first were saying that I was merely a bootleg Siouxsie Sioux or Trent Reznor, but after some really key performances people would go onto say I was a prototype for Marilyn Manson and for Icy's own solo career.

But at the moment I was just deciding to be spontaneous. If I thought like doing it I did it. If I wanted to go on stage looking like a literal 'bloody' mess than I did so. If I wanted to walk out on stage with nothing but a corset on then I did so, unashamedly too. Our friends were shocked with my new found confidence and with my stage performance. They were concerned, and you were as well. But being the new evolved and ascended new being I was I shook off all concern, including yours' and said to everyone 'Fuck you. I'm fine.' 

This was usually followed by laughs, because I usually said it in such a childish and funny tone. You also didn't pay it any mind for a while. It wasn't until one night after my concert where you confronted me. Your voice was filled with nothing, but worry and concern only directed towards me.

You always knew the real me. You knew that this was all a rather pathetic attempt to mask my insecurity and introverted personality. It just wasn't in me to get real loud and obnoxious like Alison ever could. It just wasn't me, and you knew that perfectly.

I was exiting the stage as my bandmates and I dispersed in different directions. I was kinda dazed out and exhausted until you pulled me towards you away from the yelling crowd a few meters away from us.

"What do you want, Kurt?" I huffed out obviously annoyed.

You gently grabbed my shoulders and forced my chin into your blue eyes. They were clear this time. It was red, grey, and washed out like they usually were. They were clear, you were finally sober. 

"You aren't yourself anymore. You are turning into something you are not. You look and act like someone else now. It's like you aren't same person anymore. It's like I'm not talking to Clarisse anymore."

I snapped at you. I wasn't in the best state and all of my emotions piled up and spilled out onto my outsides and threatened you.

"What so you don't like me anymore! I'm not exciting or spontaneous enough for you now! What you suddenly don't like the thrill now!"

You seemed shocked and taken back a bit.

"Clarisse, what are you talking about?"

"Don't act like you're that deaf! The drugs Kurt! You lied to me again! Not only that you got a nice little plaything to be around while I'm off recording. Whenever, I'm around you leave me to hang out with her. I've been nothing but faithful and upfront with you. But when it comes my stage act it's bad all of a sudden since it doesn't fit your preferences. How dare you try and control and restrain me!"

You were stuck at a lack of words. What would you say to something like that? What would anyone say to something like that?

It was just a sudden burst of anger that you haven't been apart of before of since. But what you did next really showed me the type of person, and the type of character you are.

"Clarisse, listen to me. I'm not going to deny what I did. I can't take what I did back, and you and I both know that what I did was stupid. But I'm sorry. I promised I would never leave you alone or leave you behind. I'm a dick, and I don't blame you for being pissed at me. But please I'm begging you. Please come back to me. I want us to be husband and wife again. I want to be one again with you. I want to have a family with you."

Damnit. You broke me again. You always knew how to draw people like me into you. You always knew that your sky blue eyes could lure me in like some trap. This was really the first time you bought me to tears, but it wasn't out of anger or sadness. It was for our recuperating, healing, and blossoming love.

I walked into your chest, and brought you close to me I looked you right in the eye and gently flicked your forehead. 

"Stupid, don't ever leave me like that again." I giggles softly while nuzzling into your chest. 

You looked down at me and returned the favor accepting my affection and nuzzling the top of my head into your shoulder.

"I would never dream of it doll. I love you too much to let you go like that."

We walked out of the concert hall, surprisingly unnoticed, and went back out to that lovely old Volvo of ours. You drove us home and it was mostly quiet all the way. But one thing was on my mind that was still bothering me.

"Kurt?"

"Hmm?" You glanced over at me waiting for me to respond.

I looked down bashfully, suddenly embarrassed.

"Did you mean it when you said that you wanted to start a family with me?"

"Clarisse, I wouldn't say something like that just for shits and giggles. Of course I want to start a family with you. I want to be a great husband to you, but most importantly I want to be the father I never had to a pretty little girl or to a beautiful baby boy. Of course I want a family."

You pulled up in the parking lot next to our apartment complex. I smirked up at you cheekily.

"Well, we are home now, so why don't we get a head start?"

You gently dragged me out of the car, and into our small apartment. One thing lead to another, and we eventually became one again, which soon began to form a small life within me that would be known as our little bean.