Sweet Caroline (Corey Crawford)

Be Who You Could Possibly Be

Caroline

A few days pass since the incident with Corey and neither of us talk about it. We stopped texting each other and hanging out, if it wasn't about work it was basically non-existent. And as much as I hated it, I hated knowing what he does even more. It makes me sick really, to think about what type of relationship that is. What that can do to a person mentally, even if they say it was okay they will never feel okay and I could never be a part of that. It is honestly terrible and I find it hard to look past that.

After the first few regular season games we head out to our first road game in Arizona. I haven't been here a whole lot and I wanted to explore but I decide to sit in the bar for a while. A bunch of the guys were doing their pregame nap or playing Mario cart so I decided to ride solo. I order a drink before switching to water after one beer, I did have to work after all.

I hear a bunch of commotion behind me so I turn around to figure out what was going on. I see Brent and Corey arguing before Brent pushes Corey my way. Corey mumbles something before slowly turning to me. He freezes in his spot before clearing his throat.

"Um hey. I was wondering... if we could talk" he says softly.

"Sure" I agree and he smiles big.

"Really" he asks and I laugh.

"Really" I assure him. He sits next to me and Brent gives two thumbs up before leaving.

"Did you want a drink" he offers.

"I already had one, but thank you for offering" I nod.

"Of course" he replies. It falls silent before he turns to me. I can tell he needed to say something but he didn't want to say it. "I honestly didn't think you would agree to talk to me so I'm not sure what's going to happen next" he admits.

"Why wouldn't I agree to talk to you" I ask.

"Because you're mad at me" he claims.

"I am not mad at you" I sigh.

"Sure does seem like it" he mumbles.

"I'm just... confused I guess. I wouldn't peg you as a guy who would do those types of things and I guess it just shocked me" I shrug.

"I know. And you're right, what I was doing isn't okay. It's just how it's been for so long I don't know of a life here where it's not like that. I'm not sure what a different lifestyle is like. It's one of those if it's not broken don't fix it type of mentalities. Although it was all kinds of broken I refused to see it as that. But I talked it over with my girlfriend and we decided that we're going to try and be better. No cheating or compulsive drinking. We're going to talk through things instead of fighting and not give up so easy. Stop taking breaks every time one of us get upset and actually work on being better together" he explains. And as much as that sucks to hear I was really happy for him.

"That is awesome Crawford, I'm happy for you" I admit.

"Really? You're not feeling anything else" he trails off.

"If you have something to say, say it" I insist.

"I just thought that... maybe... I don't know. I'm being silly" he stutters.

"What is it" I ask. I really wanted to know.

"I thought maybe... that you might like me" he says slowly as he waits for my reaction.

"I think the world of you. I think you are capable of so much more than what you are doing. I think you are going to make a difference on this team and in the lives of the people on it, and people won't always appreciate what you do at the back end of this team but that is okay. The people who matter most will see it. How you are the back bone and how you hold it all together.

I think that deep down you are scared of who you can be. That you are trapped by this idea of being who everyone needs you to be that you can never be who you can possibly be. You look for signs and directions for what to do with your life but everything is pointing you in the wrong directions. What you have needed has been inside of you all along.

And I hope that one day I will see that man, the one who is not afraid to say what other people won't. The guy who knows his worth and is willing to go out and prove his worth even if it upsets some people. That is the guy I like" I insist.

"I don't know if I'm ever going to get there" he claims.

"Not with that attitude you're not" I say and he chuckles.

"Did your dad go through this" I ask.

"He did. What he found was terrifying. My mom wrote about this stage of his life. How he would tear himself down and build himself new until he built someone he was proud of. And it took him a while, he had his fair share of on and off ice issues. Nobody is perfect, and he knew that. It is hard to hear what people say about you, especially being a goalie. It's easy to point fingers in that direction and even harder to accept the criticism. Everyone has a opinion and has a need to voice them. But the only opinion that matters is yours. At the end of the day when everyone else is gone you are still going to be stuck with yourself. And ask yourself, is that enough to make you happy" I ask.

"Right now, no. I've done a lot of bad things in my life. I never had it easy and I never took it easy. But habits are hard to break and change is scary. I'm not sure if I can change" he claims.

"I know you can. I know you want more from life than this. You were able to change your game and that is one small step in the right direction. Keep your feet moving then one day you are going to look back at this moment because you are going to be where you want to be" I explain and he smiles.

"Where have you been all my life" he asks.

"Making sure your idol doesn't lose his mind" I claim.

"Well thank your father for inspiring me. And thank you for being everything I need" he says and I smile back.

"Any time" I assure him.

"So... what did you name your cat" he asks and I laugh.

"Hawk" I say and he laughs.

"I get it. Black Hawk" he puts together.

"Hey, if I have a cheesy hockey name then he does too" I insist.

"I was meaning to ask if you were named after Sweet Caroline but I kind of just assumed you were" he admits.

"Yeah. My dad is not very original and apparently my mom and dads first date was a Neil Diamond concert and their first kiss was to that song. That and they heard it at every game they ever went to" I laugh.

"That's kinda cool. At least it's a good song" he smirks.

"I love that song."