Sweet Caroline (Corey Crawford)

If You Don't Change, Then You Fail

Corey

It isn't pretty. My life the past few days, it's been very ugly. I was originally concerned Julie would never want talk to me again but all she's done is text me saying she's sorry and that she wants to start over. And even though I want to I know I can't. That relationship was emotionally abusive and I was pretty beaten up. If I didn't stop it now who knows how far we would have went before one of us got seriously hurt. I don't get why it's me she's insistent on being with when she wants to be with other guys too, but I don't need that in my life right now. I need less things to worry about and she definitely adds about fifty things to the list of things I need to be worrying about.

So I continue to drag on through my life. My playing isn't getting any better and my days don't seem to be getting any brighter. This was a new low in my life and I wasn't sure what to do at this point.

I walk into the locker room and change into my stuff. We were out in Vancouver getting ready for a game against the Canucks, and I'm usually excited to be in Canada, but I just couldn't get into it.

"I hate when you're all mopey" someone says and I lift my head. I see Caroline standing in the doorway and the locker room empty.

"Where is everyone" I ask looking around.

"On the ice. They've been there for a few minutes and I realized you weren't out there so I should probably come check on you. Lord knows none of those boys would" she says and I laugh.

"Yeah, outside of hockey they're all pretty stupid" I admit. She sits down next to me and looks up into my eyes.

"Why are you all sad" she asks.

"Do you really care" I ask.

"Yes... and I'm a little offended you asked" she admits.

"I only ask because I don't know how many more times I can get hurt before I lose my shit" I insist.

"What happened" she asks softly. I let out a sigh and realize that if I can't tell her than I can't tell anyone.

"I broke up with Julie. There is not a doubt in my mind that that was the right thing to do, maybe not when or how I did it, but I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't lay in that bed with her and think of one good thing that would have come of it, of us. I never should have put so much effort in that relationship to make it work. It was never going to work, I knew that but I wanted it to. I wanted to prove that I could be in a healthy relationship but I couldn't. I failed" I shake my head.

"You only fail if you don't change. If you don't learn anything from that" she insists.

"All I learned was that I am going to get hurt, bad" I insist.

"That's not true" she insists. "You learned that you have the ability to care for someone and yourself. You learned that you want someone who respects you, and not just to have a body to hold. You learned that you want to love someone and you want someone to love you too. So next time, when you're ready, you know what to look for. You know the warning signs that maybe things aren't turning to be the way you hoped. You're wiser now, and you might not feel stronger but you never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice" she says.

I feel tears build up as I let her words sink in. I was more frustrated than anything. I just worked so hard to fix that relationship for months and it just wasn't meant to me. I was upset I spent so much time and money and for nothing. There was nothing to show for it or and there was nothing to gain. But she was right, I did learn a lot, some things I wish I didn't need to know. I know that one day I'll be thankful for all of this, but for now I just wanted to cry.

"What if I'm not capable of the relationship I have in my head" I ask.

"You can't plan a relationship. You are just going to set yourself up for failure that way. A relationship is a lot like hockey. If you go into a game and map out what you are going to do and how you are going to play it is never going to end up like that and you're going to end up disappointed. The best thing you can do is go in and use what you have. Realize you are not going to get a shut out every single game and some players might have your number, but all that matters in the end is that you tried and you never give up. Don't give up on love Corey" she insists.

"I don't want to. But it hurts" I sigh.

"It's going to hurt. It is going to hurt for a while but you are going to heal. You might have a scar but soon enough you won't notice it. You will find someone who will look at you and see that you have been through some things, that you have been hard on yourself about, but is going to love you regardless of what you do on that ice and what you have been through off of it. They will love you because of your quirks and your love for food and the way you get sassy when someone asks you a dumb question. You just gotta keep believing. You shouldn't have to go out of your way to find what you need. It should just happen" she explains.

"Like fate" I ask and she smiles.

"Yeah, a lot like fate" she agrees.

"Can I make a confession" I ask.

"Of course" she agrees.

"I think I lo-" I start but the door swings open.

"Hey Corey, we kind of need our goalie" Jonny says and I freeze. That could not have possibly of happened at a worse time. "Let's go" he encourages and I stand up. I turn to Caroline who was still sitting there waiting for me to finish my sentence. But fate made it so I couldn't so maybe that was a clue that now is not the time.

I follow Jonny out the door and look back one more time. She gives me a small smile before the door closes. What on earth am I doing?