Sweet Caroline (Corey Crawford)

Don't Want To Do This Anymore

Corey

As the team continues to struggle so do I. I feel like every single puck that goes in is my fault and I'm taking it pretty hard. I know I'm not supposed to let things like this get to me but I need to be better, it's as simple as that. I didn't spend all those years in the minors for no reason, if I didn't learn anything from that then I'm automatically a failure.

But now my problems on the ice seem to be following me around. It's there when I get home or go to the store or hang out with friends. It's just a heavy feeling and I hate it. It's to the point where I'm not even trying to fix it because I don't even know where to start.

I lay in my bed late one night staring at the ceiling. Nothing was in my head but everything was on my mind. I was doing so well but now I feel like I can't get much lower than this. My team needs me, my friends need me and I can't be there because I'm not sure who I am anymore or what I'm doing at this point. It's not like I'm too young, this is only my second year here but I'm 26. In Jonny's second year he was 20 and handed the C, so it's not like I can't do this, because I can. But I'm not Jonny, I wasn't born with thick skin and a natural ability to understand why things are the way they are. I ask questions and hate the answers.

I roll over in bed and see Julie sleeping there. Not a worry in the world about what she needs to do so people wouldn't be asking for her head on a platter. She couldn't care less about making other people happy therefor she has nothing to worry about. Sometimes I wish I was more like that, just able to stroll through life without a care in the world.

She opens her eyes and smiles when she sees me. I smile back as she grabs my face. She softly presses her lips to mine, then not so softly. She pulls her body close to mine and I softly push her away.

"I can't do this right now" I whisper and she sighs.

"Why not" she asks.

"I have a lot on my mind right now and it doesn't feel right" I admit.

"We can still have sex" she claims.

"I'm really not in the mood" I insist.

"We haven had sex for two months Corey, how long can we keep this up" she questions.

"We might not have had sex but I can almost assure myself that you have" I say and she stops.

"Oh don't try to act so high and mighty, like you haven't been screwing around with that coach girl" she accuses.

"I actually haven't, thank you very much. At this point I'm pretty sure she's still a virgin. She is a very respectable girl who has advocated for us being together many many times. Don't you dare put dirt on her name."

"You expect me to believe that there is nothing going on between you two" she asks.

"Well..." I trail off.

"Well what" she snaps.

"We kissed on New Years but that was it. I was drunk and I was mad at you because you forgot my birthday and she already showed me more admiration in that day than you did the year and some we've been together. If we weren't drunk it would have never happened because she really wants me to be happy with you but I honestly don't think I am" I admit.

"So that means we're even" she claims.

"You fucking around with a bunch of dudes behind my back does not equal one drunken kiss" I insist.

"Well I don't have any actually feelings for those guys like you do for her so it kind of does."

"The fact that you are willing to sleep with any guy that buys you a drink doesn't make anything okay. That's the opposite of okay, actually. I work with Caroline so it's not like I'm going out and looking to have a affair, she just happens to always be there for me, unlike you. I'm not sure you have any real feelings for me. At least I know she is capable of loving me."

"I do love you."

"I don't believe you."

"I'm here with you... aren't I?"

"Love isn't just being here. It's not going to drink or you dragging your friends along with us when we're supposed to be together. I used to think it was but it's not. It's more than that. Because you can be here and your heart can be somewhere else."

"I don't know what to tell you. It's not that big of a deal."

"But it is. Because all this time all I wanted was for you to care for me. To love me not for who I was supposed to be but who I am. I wanted to get better together but you keep pulling me back down. I tried buying you nice things and you won't even tell people I got those for you, I try to be sentimental then you blow me off to hang out with your friends. You don't let me hang out with my friends because they don't like you but I always defended you. I just feel like I'm putting in a lot more effort into this relationship than you are. I'm not even sure you know which position I play in hockey" I admit.

"Does it matter" she asks and I scoff.

"It really does. At this point I'm not even sure why you stay with me. I mean I know you're not faithful but I thought it was a phase kinda like mine. But you say you love me and I know you don't mean it. Every time you walk away I know you're going off to mess around with some boy. I listen to you talk about your problems and the things you like but you can't even put a foot forward in a effort to doing something remotely kind for me. So tell me why we're staying together" I ask and she stays silent. Either she didn't have a answer or she doesn't like the answer. She just looks at me with that blank expression like she doesn't want to be here anymore. "I think... I think we're done here" I say softly.

"You don't really mean that" she says.

"That's the thing Julie. I really do. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough or that I need to change to satisfy you. I simply cannot do this anymore" I insist.

"I can be better" she claims.

"You can't be. You've tried it but it never gets very far before we fall back into the same issues. You might not feel it but it's tearing me up and I'm done" I insist.

"It's because of that girl, isn't it" she accuses and I laugh.

"It's really not. Sure she helped me realize some things but even if she wasn't here you would still be so bad for me. I don't know why you refuse to see it, why you keep me around when you don't actually care for me. But I need you to leave" I say and she starts to pout.

"Are you seriously breaking up with me then kicking me out" she asks and I nod.

She shoots out of bed and starts going off about how I'm a terrible person and that I'm hurting her and how she loved me. I know they were just empty words but it still hurt.

She leaves with the slamming of the door and I let out a sigh. I run my fingers through my hair as I feel an immense change. I wasn't sure if it was good or bad but I guess we were about to find out.