Sweet Caroline (Corey Crawford)

Touch The Sky

Caroline

After a week and a few days in Jamaica we make it back to Chicago. My dad goes back to Montreal and I go back to my notebooks. I catch up in what we missed, which isn't all that much at all. With the way this is going I'm not even sure we will have a season at all, let alone a part of it.

So instead of waiting around or going overseas we were going to continue to train in Chicago, get what we can get done, done, and hope for the best. But as October passed us by nothing really happens. The guys continue to skate, Patrick tears it up with his Switzerland team, and Jonny dedicates every waking hour to getting better on and off the ice. But sometimes that's not enough, there is more to be done and no obvious way to do it.

Early one morning I lie in bed staring at the ceiling. Corey snores softly as the sun haven't even gotten up yet, but I couldn't sleep. There was just too much on my mind.

I slip out of bed and grab my journal. I take the stairs up to the roof of the apartment complex that sat high in the sky. Hundreds of feet below me sat the city that I have come to love. It's busy streets that never sleeps filled with hard workers and good doers. Sure they're not perfect, but just like me they are trying and that's all that matters.

I sit on the ledge and let my feet dangle over the city. A little dangerous, I know, but I've always loved heights. To be so far away from everything was such a beautiful concept to me. And this way I'm closer to my mom who is up in heaven.

I pull out my journal and a black calligraphy pen, I usually don't write with it but I don't usually do this either, and stare at a blank page. A new day to write my story that hopefully one day will have a happily ever after.

I try to write something but I can't. You can't force these things, they usually just flow out of you like rain from a cloud. No rhyme or reason, it's just the way it is. But for some reason this time I can't get it out. It was almost like I didn't know how to say it, the way things were going... they were just going. No one knew what to do or say, life was kind of meaningless. No, my life isn't based off of hockey, but it sure as hell is a big part of it. And this whole lockout didn't just effect the players, it was the ones who worked for them and with them and their families and their friends, and of course the fans. It was weird not watching them play or hanging out with the other guys' wives. I miss the good old times where I knew where I was going, but I felt like I was just going around and around again just to end up in the same spot I was in before.

I let out a long sigh as I look up to the sky. The stars are still there waiting to be overpowered by the sun in a few short minutes. But even though I wouldn't be able to see them, they are still there. Just like my mom.

"It's times like these I could really use you here with me" I say softly as I look on to the sky. "I could talk to Dad but let's be honest, without you he is a mess with these types of things. He understands the lockout but not the emotions he is having that are because of it. He wants so bad to yell at someone, if he was still playing I could only imagine the type of attention he would be getting. The other day he called Bettman a pretentious swine who couldn't tell a slap shot from a one timer. Although he is not wrong, I'm guessing we should have stayed in Jamaica a little bit longer to blow off steam. He's pretty worked up but he'll calm down eventually, well, maybe.

But this whole lockout has put me in a weird situation. The last lockout was the year you passed so I barley noticed it was there. We barley even talked about hockey during that time. But now you're gone and hockey gone too as this feeling is a unusual one, one I don't like. There's a loss of purpose to this sport with each day there is no hockey. With each passing second I am starting to see what sports are really about. And while it's about miracles and hope and skills, it is also about money and power and names. It kinda sucks because you always warned me about this. About how people I will never meet or see or know will have such a powerful impact in my life. It's kind of scary to think about. I spend so much creating this life that I am proud of and that I can control, yet here I am waiting on somebody somewhere to do something. It just doesn't seem right.

I wish you were here to remind me of all the great things you learned in your life. About swimming in troubled waters and staying positive in times such as these ones. Everyone could use someone like you, but me especially. You were my best friend, you were my role model. I mean you still are, I hope I can be half as strong as you one day. But I can't deny that I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you about Corey and about Dad. Even though they both drive me crazy I love them so much.

You would have loved Corey, he is a lot like Dad. His passion on the ice is unmatched and his passion off of it is just as intense. He's from Quebec too, his family is the sweetest. His mom read your book and she loves it, we talk about it all the time. I just wish you were here, I wish I could tell you what I have been able to do, anything to hear you say that you are proud of me. I know you are, but it's just not the same" I sigh.

I look up and see a shooting star and smile to myself. I know my mom is still here, I know it's not how I wanted her to be here, but she was here. She is always here.

I watch the sun rise in peace as my paper stayed blank. I close up my book and let out a long breath. I close my eyes as the wind whips through my hair relaxing me. I open them again and the sun was up, the stars were out of sight, but just like my mom I still knew they were there. They were always there.

I pick myself up and decide to head back inside. I get back to the apartment and find Corey walking around in the kitchen. As soon as the door closes behind me his head shoots my way. He stops pacing as I walk over to him.

"Good morning" I say.

"Good morning? Are you fucking kidding me right now! I thought someone took you" he nearly yells.

"I was on the roof" I reply.

"How was I supposed to know that" he questions.

"I was planning on coming back before you got up" I admit.

"I rolled over and you weren't in bed. Then I noticed the door was open and you always keep it shut so I decided to check on you. But you weren't here and I..." he trails off.

"And you what" I ask.

"I freaked the fuck out. I almost called your dad and I'm glad you didn't because he would have been halfway here by now" he admits.

I grab his face so he would stop freaking out. I softly caress his cheek until I feel his heart beat slower.

"Baby look at me, I am perfectly fine" I assure him.

"I know... I just... I was so scared" he admits.

"Thank you for caring about me. But I promise, I'm fine."