Sweet Caroline (Corey Crawford)

Finding Hope

Corey

"Nice save crow!"

"Yeah? Too bad it doesn't really matter" I laugh.

As the end of the year started to be a lot closer than the beginning, the temperatures started to get cooler. There wasn't much to say or do, there was no progress in negotiations, if anything we were moving backwards. At first we were just going to miss the preseason, then the first few days but days turn into weeks and we're still not even going anywhere let alone getting close to a actual decision.

"Yeah it does matter" Jonny insists. "Because when it comes down to it, if and when there is a season this year, we need to be ready. Come out of the gates swinging. Show these people that they can take the people out of hockey but you can't take they hockey out of people" he explains.

"How can you know what you know and still have faith for a season" I ask.

"Because I know that I'm going to do whatever it takes for something to happen. And I know it's going to be enough" he claims.

"I wish I had your confidence" I scoff.

Someone starts to knock on the glass pulling our attention away. I see a guy in a suit tapping the glass looking at Jonny. He lets out a long sigh before turning to me.

"It's not confidence Corey. It's hope for a brighter future... and it's starting to get dim" he claims. With that he skates off and disappears to wherever with that guy.

After practice, like most afternoons, Caroline and I go out on a little date. We decide to walk around until we stumble into a restaurant or a bar or something.

We find a little bar that's low key and pretty calm. We sit at the bar and order a drink and watch whatever is on the tv. They had plenty of tvs going on to keep us preoccupied. I get some wings and we share nachos and we just talk bout anything and everything.

I look up at the Tv and see they were talking about the lockout on espn, the only time they really talk about hockey. At the bottom there was a text that was saying that the soonest they could get a deal done is right before the holidays if not after. And if they don't get one done early in 2013 then there will be no season at all, which would suck.

"What are you thinking so hard about? You're going to hurt yourself" Caroline teases and I toss my straw wrapper at her.

"You're the worst" I shake my head.

"I'm serious though, what's on your mind" she questions.

One of my favorite things about her is her heart. No matter where we are, whether it be in a bar or at home or in one of the most decorated hockey towns, she is always caring for me. She never lets me shut her out and always keeps things interesting. I learn from her on a daily basis and I listen to her even though she would rather be the one listening.

"I was just thinking about the future. I'm a little scared that it's not as certain as I once thought it was" I admit.

"You can't let the uncertainty of the future scare you" she insists.

"That's easier said than done" I sigh.

"You can't run from the future, it's inevitable. You have to embrace it to even begin to understand it" she claims.

"How do I understand it?"

"The future has no time limit. There is no rule that you have to be married by a certain age, there is no perfect time to have kids or even go back to college. Everyone is unique, and so is their path to becoming who they are. Who I am today will not be the same person I will be tomorrow and is not the same person I was yesterday. We grow, adapt to new information and move forward with what is given to us" she explains.

"Then why is it so hard for people like me to find much hope for the future?"

"Because we live in a society of what we think it should be like instead of what it is actually like. Where the future is planned out and not planned out correctly. I find it ridiculous, people trying to look for something that isn't there. Trying to build on something that was never stable. Everyone is so obsessed with wanting to be like everyone else then wonders why they aren't happy with their life. Because that's not their life, it's someone else's. This uneducated aspiration or desire to be super fit with your dream job and a one in a million kind of love. Those things aren't out there waiting for us to to pick up on it. That's the kind of thing we have to create ourselves. Our future is what we make it to be, not because of our friends or family or teachers or coaches. It's called our future for a reason. Like they say, if you know what you're worth go out and get what your worth. But we can't be who everyone else wants us to be, because that's not really you, that's them. They can help and give advice but at the end of the day it's you going to sleep and waking up to this life, not them."

I stare at her as her soft voice fights with the loud music in my ears. Her words start to sink in as I think about her and this lockout, the two things currently in my life that brings out the most emotions in me. Totally opposite emotions but emotions nonetheless.

"What kind of future do you think I will have" I wonder. She smiles up at me as she stirs her straw around her drink.

"Hopefully one where I can make you happy" she claims and I feel a blush rise in my cheeks. I will never get tired of feeling this way.

"You do make me happy, happier than anything else in my life. But hockey is my other source of happiness and thinking of a future without it and everyone that comes with it. It sucks that this is my future and it's in the hands of people who aren't me" I admit.

"Naturally people will have a impact on your life, but there's a point where it's not helping. And if it's not helping it's hurting. I can promise you that. I wish people would understand that things are different now a days, there's all these different ways to be happy. As soon as we let success take our happiness, that's when we lose. Success makes some people happy, and good for them because it should. But to the creative types like me who wants to do so much in this world, it's not as straight forward. There isn't much I don't like in this world, finding one thing that I'm supposed to be good at, that's hard. I want to be good at everything, sadly you can't get a job for that. You can't put a price tag on being a good person or creative instincts.

And there's bad people out there taking happiness from you and me. We're totally different yet one of the same. There are people who see you as dollar signs and not a human being. There are people who see me as my father. I tried my whole life to stay away from those people. To keep them away from my happiness but sometimes it's out of our control. All you can do is find something else that makes you happy" she shrugs.

"And that's you."