When All is Lost One is Found

Chapter 53: Aftermath of Revealing

When All is Lost, One is Found

Author: Rinoaebastel

Chapter 53: Aftermath of Revealing

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice. JK Rowling owns Harry Potter.

AN: This story may contain scenes taken from the Harry Potter movies and books, but it's not exact dialogue, just rewording of dialogue or omission. It is not marked.

When his vision returned, he was in his office. He focused on Granger, her form blurry, and waited for it to clear. His frown deepened when he saw tears running from her eyes. He slipped his wand back into his sleeve. Merlin, the problem was much deeper than he'd thought. He'd had suspicions, but for some odd reason it never occurred to him even with all her questions, that she'd been the cause of someone's death. He knew there'd be no returning to anything close to her old self. She was now almost as damaged as he was, and he hated that they were equals in that too.

"It's my fault," she whispered and looked down at her lap. "The perfect Gryffindor, the know-it-all, made a mistake and killed her best friend's only family left."

"Stop!" Her head shot up and she looked at him with wide eyes. "I know how you feel, Miss Granger, but you don't have to let what happened control you."

"Harry lost the only family he had because of me, and I selfishly think of myself too. I can't cast spells because I'm afraid I'll lose control again. I might hurt someone else. I keep running other scenarios through my head. Would Sirius have won if I'd just left things alone? Why'd I get prideful thinking I—"

"Prideful my arse," he snapped. "You had good intentions. Though I do understand, as do you, why Potter needed time. I think he will come around soon," he said. "And I must say that I'm impressed you managed to stun a Death Eater."

Her brows furrowed. "Sir I—"

"Many could be to blame besides you. Yes, it was your wand, but there was more involved than that. Things that shouldn't have happened. Potter shouldn't have dragged unprepared teens to a fight. We can even go a step further and say Black was foolish. He broke an order to stay at home. He brought his death on himself."

He started to pace his office, trying to relieve some pent up anger so he wouldn't snap at the witch before him. He had a lot of work to do. She had no problem remembering the spells, so he had to get her used to dueling with someone. That setup could desensitize her. As he did that, perhaps her guilty feelings would fade slightly. She had to get better. If she ever made up with Potter, she would be in danger and have to fight to kill.

"Hear me, Granger. I have killed so I know the difference between an accident and a murder. You are just like everyone else in this world. You make mistakes. You need to learn from them and live on. Make yourself stronger." His voice was stern but not hostile, and he knew she'd be able to tell the difference.

"Still, I killed someone. The fact it was an accident doesn't change what I did." Her last words broke with a sob and he shook his head with a gentle movement.

"You accidentally killed him." He sat down next to her. "You were one circumstance in what caused his death. I know it's impossible to completely stop, especially at this stage, but you still need to move on from it. We are at war, deaths happen. It's cruel but true."

"How do you deal with it?" How can you be so calm?"

"I have years of practice in controlling my emotions. Even I lose control sometimes, but I release it when I'm alone. It does no one any good if I become unhinged. When I go into battle, I put all my focus on the present.

"Every life I take hurts me, but the first is still the worst. After a while, you manage to be able to convince your mind it was for a good reason. It doesn't bother you much less, but you live."

Then she broke down, and he waited as she cried. This young witch needed companionship even more than he did. She didn't deserve this. He found himself regretting that he hadn't continued teaching Occlumency to Potter. Maybe he wouldn't have dragged everyone to the ministry if he'd continued the lessons.

But the boy couldn't have learned it. He didn't have the dedication or the type of mind that could.

Something pressed against his shoulder.

A brown curly lock of hair fell over his arm. When he comprehended the situation, his muscles tensed, but he found himself unable to move away. Not until the warmth on his shoulder left.

What did she just do?

"Thank you for not turning your back on me like everyone else," she whispered.

His confusion disappeared as soon as he heard her words.

"You will have an ear to listen here. No matter what, don't hesitate to come to me, Granger." The offering had been made. He hoped that his instincts were right and he wasn't being led toward another betrayal.

The young witch nodded, her eyes were still red, but the shadow of a smile was on her lips.

"As you can with me, sir."

"When you finish your exams, take a vacation. Take the time to calm yourself and go over your emotions, but don't dwell. If you do decide to stay at Hogwarts, you can come to me anytime, but our sessions will stop until January. I want you to deal with your fear problem. I'll give you defense lessons in private.

"But..."

"You need to use your magic or you will die. You are a muggleborn in a wizarding world and if the Dark Lord succeeds, you won't have a chance." If he were honest, she might not even have a chance after this course, and especially not if she didn't get back to her brave, tough, Gryffindor self.

AN: I want to hug both of them here... Well... here it is... another thing that will make them get closer. The guilt...Hope you liked it and don't want to kill me ^^ Let me know what you think and see you on Saturday.