When All is Lost One is Found

Chapter 40: Sharing His Darkness

When All is Lost, One is Found

Author: Rinoaebastel

Chapter 40: Sharing His Darkness

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice. JK Rowling owns Harry Potter.

AN: This story may contain scenes taken from the Harry Potter movies and books, but it's not exact dialogue, just rewording of dialogue or omission. It is not marked.

September, 1996

Her lips were parted when she removed her face from his pensieve. He appeared calm, but inside, his body and mind was going crazy. He had shared his most guarded secret. His reason for doing what he was doing and why Dumbledore trusted him. But not only that. He'd shown her his work under the Dark Lord, his betrayal as he gave the prophecy, and his brief participation in some attacks. It had been unavoidable. He had tried to be a non-active member, but in the end, he had pointed a wand to kill.

It was still a thing he had to do.

The girl closed her eyes for a moment, probably processing the dark side of him or maybe regretting in becoming part of this plan now.

He waited for her to speak or to run. This was probably the worst thing he could have shown her, but it was better for her to know now rather than discovering it later.

Her eyes opened and with unsecure steps, she walked to her pillowed chair. For now, she was still not running.

Silence filled the room and he didn't know how to behave. He had exposed his deepest darkest secret and regret to her. A risky move indeed. He needed to be sincere and not treat her how Dumbledore had manipulated him for fourteen years.

"You..." Her voice failed. He felt the compulsion to cross his arms in front of his chest, but he turned his back to her.

"Yes, Miss Granger?"

"You were the reason that..."

"Yes, I was. She died because of me."

"But you tried to save her. You turned against him because of her. Because you loved her."

He wasn't prepared for this. Not at all. Discussing his love life with a student was absurd.

"And she died anyway," he muttered softly as he felt the shadow of an ache crossing his heart.

"So I was right. You were on our side this entire time. You want to help Harry because of her. That's why you saved us countless times. . . But you loathe Harry."

"Oh, I do. I despise him"

"You know he isn't at all like what you showed me of his father." She complained and he grunted at her words. "But... I get it. He has her eyes and his looks. It... It must hurt you."

He took a deep breath and he pressed his palms on his desk, lowering his head and keeping silent. This was harder than he'd thought it would be.

But he had wanted this. He had to go on. He wasn't a coward.

His muscles tensed as he felt a hand touching his back. She wouldn't dare...but he was suddenly afraid to move. Afraid to acknowledge he was showing his vulnerability freely, and she was trying to ease him.

This was completely insane.

"I suppose it isn't my place to ask, but do you still cling to her memory?"

"If I don't, I might kill Potter myself." His voice was abrupt. He moved his head so she could see his face and looked at her with menacing eyes, warning her to not continue pushing. Her hand dropped and his shoulders relaxed. "I'm sorry, Miss Granger but I don't feel like discussing this today. Maybe some other time I would feel more open to it."

He turned his full body towards her and she took a step back.

"It's understandable, sir." She inhaled deeply and regained her Gryffindor courage to look in his eyes again. "Can I ask another thing before we start with my Occlumency session?"

"Go ahead." Even if her questions hit him with dreadful feelings, she was smart enough to understand.

She went back to sit in her chair. Was she gathering courage? It was interesting to see how this girl thought carefully about what she was going to ask.

"I saw you killed some people." She paused and looked up at him. "I thought you only spied."

"I wanted to only do that, but the Dark Lord knows I'm too skilled for him to not use me when it's necessary."

"You are a soldier. I understand that."

It was a miracle how he wasn't letting his anger rule over him. But this was a different situation. There was no judging tone or look coming from her. She was just trying to understand him.

"Not a soldier Miss Granger. At once I thought so, but I'm more like a puppet for both sides." She winced. "It's true, Miss Granger. I'm just a tool for him and Albus. I'm disposable when my worth fades."

She scowled and her fierce eyes were on him. He got a feeling that she didn't agree with that.

"At least you don't look like you are a madman who loves to kill." Her strong voice filled his office and he tilted his head.

"You're right. It's not a thing I enjoy."

"Does the guilt go away?" Her voice became serious, tentative, and she avoided his eyes again, making him wonder why she was worried about that aspect.

"I assure you, Miss Granger. I won't kill myself before it is necessary." A slight sarcasm hit his voice, a thing that made her face look back at him with fury.

"Please, don't joke about that, professor."

His lips parted at her plea. That reaction was unexpected. Why in Merlin's name would she care about that aspect? He had been horrible to her all these years, and most of his students wouldn't care if he disappeared one day.

But he had to remember that this girl wasn't like them. She never hated him, even after all he did. Maybe she was too good for this world.

"I apologize." He closed his eyes and bent his body to her. "To answer your question, no, the guilt never goes away. You do learn to live with what you did. It's hard, but you learn."

Granger nodded at his words, but her eyes remained uncertain.

"You didn't have an easy life."

"You saw me at my worst, my voluntary service under the Dark Lord, so tell me, Miss Granger, do you still want to be my ally?"

"I wouldn't still be here if I didn't," she replied quickly, not stopping to think about her answer.

He summoned his wand and pointed it at her.

"Then prepare yourself, Miss Granger. I won't let you fail." He warned with a small smile. She replied with one of her own.

"And I won't let you fail either, sir. You don't have to be alone anymore. You have me now, with Gryffindor loyalty included."

AN: So...more secrets revealed to Hermione and more stress for Snape? Let me know what you think. In a little you will have another chapter ;)