foreign space - poetry&prose

seulrene ○ cape no. 7

joohyun,

i am sorry for not having written you anything for days. i've been too busy discussing stupid politics with others on the ship back. and it is hard to write peacefully here.

it's only been a few days, and i miss you. surely you know why i left? we lost. japan lost, and we had to leave. we were so shamed, forced to look down as the people who we once trampled on watched us leave.

you were there too, in a very nice dress with flower patterns. i saw you, but you never saw me.

i am so sorry. for being a coward. for not waving goodbye like the others. i am so ashamed for not leaving with a goodbye. i remember crouching down, not letting you see me. i couldn't bear to see you get further away. couldn't bear to lose you.

the storm has been going for a little while now, but the captain says we should be getting home in three days.

home. as if japan could be home to me anymore. it is my land. it's where i belong, among murderers.

but nothing could feel more like home as i walked you through the streets of daegu, laughing as you stumbled through another japanese phrase. as you glared at me when i first came in the classroom. as you grinned at me, holding the corners of your skirt up in the shallow sea.

i have your picture of it. it's right behind this letter. you look so young, so vibrant. your smile, the flying birds. your eyes, the depth of the sea.

so beautiful. i hate to have left you. it is of my blood for virtue, for my land, for my emperor.

i should've never fallen in love with a korean girl. and miss her so much.

i am so sorry. i want to go back, jump off the ship and find you in the crowd.

will you have forgotten me, as i grow old and never come back to this land? will you have a husband, children you will get to tell stories to about this merciless cruel war?

will you talk about me? will you talk about our cruelty?

will you put me together with it?

the men and women whisper about me being a coward, a traitor to the country. for not accepting the way they spit on others, for not accepting how they kill without reason.

some whisper i cannot bear to leave korea.

they are right, partially.

i would have asked you to come with me. but they leave no space for others, and i know you would never want to leave your home just for me.

but i hope you will remember the way i kissed you on that beach, telling you i love you. because i meant it then, and i mean it now. even when i have someone else to hold, someone to make a family with, there will always be a part of me that may not long for you, but remember you.

i will never forget you, and it tortures me so. but i will bear the pain.

i will write more soon. i love you.

seulgi
1945

- 如果風愛上沙

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