Awful Things ☆ LiL PEEP

☆ chapter nine ☆

"She sees the things that you don't seez She breathes the air that you don't breathe. She bleeds the blood that you don't bleed. She looks at me like she loves me."
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peep and i finished his cigarette more quickly than i thought we would have, and a part of me was still laughing about how worked up i got him when i originally asked.

we were all laying on the ground, on the wood chips now, staring at the stars. peep was in the middle, i was on the left and bexey was on the right.

although i had experienced heavy anxiety earlier, now that it's just the three of us, the night has done a complete 360. i felt safe again, and i only seemed to get that complete feeling when i was with the boys, peep mainly, and i had only personally known him for a day.

his music did the same thing for me, though, so i wasn't totally surprised.

i still was still decently high and drunk, thankfully, so i had something to blame my next statement on.

"i'm sure people tell you this all the time, but your music really helps me. without it, i feel empty," i rolled over on my side, looking at both of the guys. they were patiently waiting for me to finish. "please take care of yourselves. if not for you, then just think of me."

they looked at each other again with that knowing look they always shared with each other. at first it slightly annoyed me because i wanted to know what kind of private conversation between minds they were having, but i'm fully over that now. the fact they're so close that they can share words with a look is so profound to me.

"won't you hang out with us again? or was our party too epic for you?" peep spoke up. i laughed out loud.

"yeah, so epic that even you guys ditched it. the hosts." they laughed back at me happily and it made the sides of my eyes crinkle. they were enjoying themselves and if i had something to do with that, i'd always remember it.

"i just don't know when i'll get another chance like this." i remarked, laying back in my original position and staring up at the starry sky.

the twinkles of light in the black, opaque abyss actually stood for something for the first time in my life. there's always light within the darkness. i kept the enlightening moment to myself because i was sure they would have just laughed at me.

"can i say something?" gus asked me and i saw him stick a joint into his mouth and i seriously wondered where he even got that from. he lit it, hit it, then passed it to me.

"sure," i replied and took a long drag off of the joint.

(a/n: there's only so many ways you can describe weed 💀)

"we didn't save you. you saved yourself."

"yeh," bexey added onto gus's statement. i rolled my eyes.

"i consciously made the decision to stay alive, but sometimes it's much harder when you don't have a whole lot to look forward to. the new albums and songs being released did a lot for my happiness, so i just wanted you to know that." they didn't respond, and we all stayed quiet for a while just passing the joint around.

all three of us laid on the ground staring up at the sky, and out of my peripheral vision i saw bexey and peep lace their hands together. i smirked, happy that they were so comfortable with each other.

suddenly, i felt something tug at my palm and i realized it was gustav's hand. i cocked my eyebrow up, but allowed him to intertwine our fingers.

there was no sound, none of us spoke.

nobody moved an inch.

i didn't want to pull away, i didn't want this moment to ever end. i thought about how worried my parents must be that i haven't texted them for a ride home, but i left my
phone in the truck so it's not like i could get up and check without disturbing the peace we've created here.

my eyelids became heavy and i felt the back of my mind beg to drift off into sleep. here, with lil peep and bexey swan, all holding hands while laying on piles of wood chips—outside, in the dark.

this is home.

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