Daryl Dixon Imagines

Letting Go

By imagine-daryldixon

I was sitting on the floor of the small cabin feeling like the world was finally going to hell, everything around me had started to collapse. The prison fell, Hershel died...so many others died and now we were out here alone. And I haven't spoken a word with Daryl in two days. Ever since we had argued about where to go. He was sitting outside of the small cabin now probably sulking as well. I was wondering if this time we would be able to come back from it. If this time had been too much for us. I had never seen Daryl so angry before. I took a deep breath before I got up. Maybe I should just go out and talk to him. I couldn't just wait until something happened. These days it was never the right choice to just wait.
"Daryl", I whispered taking a step outside.
"What?", he muttered. He was sitting on the porch with a cigarette between his lips, the only light illuminating the darkness around us.
"Can we talk?"
"'bout what?" He inhaled deeply, illuminating his features. He looked angrier than I had expected.
"About what happened at the prison. Or...after the prison. I don't even know when it started anymore..."
"Ain't nothin' to talk 'bout", he muttered looking into the woods.
"Daryl, please. I feel horrible. You haven't talked to me in days."
"Nothin' to talk 'bout..."
"Oh, c'mon, please. Daryl, I love you, I can't go on like this..."
"Ya do?" He finally looked at me. His eyes were on fire. "'Cause ya doin' anythin' to avoid me lately..."
"That's not true!", I protested.
"Really? 'Cause if ya don't love me anymore, it's fine. Just...quit pretendin' that ya do."
"I'm not... pretending. I'm just... everything's been so complicated lately. But I love you and that's pretty much the only thing I know I can always be sure of." I tried to take his hand in mine but he pulled it away before I could even touch him.

"Ya've shown me what love can feel like but now...", he muttered looking down. "I ain't sure if it's still the right thin' for us..."
"Daryl, please, don't say that", I whispered. Tears started dwelling up in my eyes. I knew we had a lot to talk about, I just never expected it to go this way. "Please, don't." I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as I tried to keep my voice steady.
"Maybe it's time to...ya know, go separate ways again."
"No, please." I was begging, I didn't want to but I had to. My life was falling apart and I could just sit and watch.
"I'm still here, I'll protect ya", he muttered as if this was going to help me in any way.
"I... don't want to be without you. Please, don't do this."
"I'm sorry", he muttered standing up. He walked past me without looking back, leaving me outside, sobbing, crying, screaming for him to come back. He didn't. I knew he was watching over me from inside, protecting me like he had promised to do, but non of that mattered anymore... I had lost him. I had lost what I had loved most and this time there was no coming back from it.

We've found the others again a few weeks after the prison fell. But it just wasn't the same anymore. It felt different. I felt different. Daryl had changed me when he came into my life and he had changed me again when he had left it. It was hard forcing a smile every day and I had thought about leaving the group more than once. I was still thinking about it when we had found shelter in a church. It would have been the perfect time to just vanish into thin air but for some reason I just couldn't do it.
"Ya alright?" Daryl had stepped outside, he was standing right next to me. So close.
"Sure", I muttered taking a few steps away from him. I just couldn't be so close to him. Not anymore.
"Carol's worried..."
"Is she? Why wouldn't she come out herself then?" I looked Daryl up and down as he stepped from one foot to the other obviously thinking of an explanation that wouldn't sound like total bullshit.
"She's just... occupied I think. Somethin' else came up so... she asked me." He tried to shrug it off but failed miserably.
"Sure...Tell her I'm fine, no need to worry."
"Yeah..", Daryl muttered. He didn't look like he was about to go inside again any time soon.
"Anything else?", I asked. I wanted him to leave.
"No... Yeah... Ya wanna go on a run?"
"Now?"
"No.." He looked down on his hands. "Tomorrow. I think I found something but I'm not sure.."
"Sure."
"Really?" He looked surprised.
"Yeah, sure, why not? If you've found something, we should definitely check it out."
"Thanks", he mumbled and with that he finally turned around and went inside again. I sighed in relieve. It was still hard to keep up the happy face when he was around. He shouldn't see that I was still not over it. No one should.
I went inside again an hour later finding only Carol awake. She looked at me with a smile.
"Are you alright?", she asked. I sat down next to her with a shrug.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Daryl told me."
"I know he did. Who else would he talk to?"
"He used to talk to you." Carol looked me up and down. Maybe she didn't know the whole story. Maybe Daryl had kept it to himself as well as I did.
"I suppose."
"What happened.. out there?"
"Nothing." I tried to smile, put on the happiest face I could make.
"You think you two can figure it out?"
I shook my head. "Not this time. But it's fine, really."
"I don't think it is..."
"Okay listen... Whether it's fine or not doesn't really matter. It's over and that's it. That's the only relevant part of the story."
"Fine. If you ever wanna talk, I'm here, okay?"
"Sure, thanks." I got up and headed towards my sleeping bag. The one next to Daryl. Considering that he was the one who broke up with me he was keeping uncomfortably close to me. He was still awake when I lay down. I tried to ignore his stare as I tucked myself in.
"I miss you", he whispered almost not audible. I pretended to not hear him. I didn't want to hear him. I didn't want him to say shit like that. He had tossed me away and he had to live with it now as much as I did. I closed my eyes and soon I had drifted off into a light sleep.

When I woke up the next day Daryl was already up. He sat on one of the church banks watching me.
"Up already?", I said looking him up and down.
"Yeah, we gotta go soon."
"You could've waken me up though."
"Whatever. Let's go."
I got dressed in a hurry and we left ten minutes later. On his bike. I was way too close to him but for the first time since our breakup, I didn't feel anything. Just... empty.
"Ya alright?", he asked when we arrived at our destination.
"Yeah, sure", I answered and meant it. I was fine. Calm. Maybe too calm. Maybe I could finally work up the courage to run away.
"Ya think we can talk?"
"About what?", I said looking through my backpack. I got everything I needed with me. There was nothing for me back at the church.
"Us."
"There's no 'us' anymore. You made that pretty clear."
"I know. I'm sorry", he muttered.
"I begged you for a second chance, Daryl. What do you expect me to do?"
"We can work it out."
"No, we can't. Another thing you made very clear. And you know what? You were right, we can't make this work again."
"'cause ya leavin'?" My backpack must have caught his eye. "Ya can't just leave. Ya gotta stay."
"You know, sometimes you just have to accept when things stopped working and move the fuck on."
"No. Not for me."
"For whom then?"
"Everyone else. Carol. I ain't gonna force ya, but..."
"They're gonna be fine."
"They're gonna be out there lookin' for ya." He had taken a few steps forward as if he wanted to grab me, shake me probably, but he was hesitant.
"Not if you tell them what happened." I wasn't sure if they would look for me. I wondered if anyone ever actually cared about me. Except for Daryl of course. But those times were long over.
"Ya think ya can just run away?", Daryl barked. "Fine. Do it. I don't fuckin' care."
"Good. Then we finally agree on something again. Isn't that lovely?" I smiled at him one last time before I turned around to leave. This was getting us nowhere and I had to get away while it was still bright and sunny outside.
"Ya can't do that!", he yelled as I walked away. He yelled a few other things as well but didn't come after me. He was just standing there as I left everything behind. It was quite relieving to leave him. Liberating in a way. I knew I would be able to start over somewhere. Forget about him and finally feel like myself again. Maybe someday I could even fall in love again...