Memories Are All She Has

20.Spying

Vanessa's POV

I can feel the smooth sheets beneath me and the soft mattress underneath it. It looks like it should be very comfortable but it isn't. Not when you are lying in the same position, unable to move, talk or even open your eyes. The past few days or was it one day... Yeah that's how bad the situation is. I have been lying here for hours. The first few hours were boring. The next few, I was frustrated that I couldn't move or get up no matter what. Then I ended up being extremely tired by trying to will my body into waking up.

But now after all this time, desperation and dread has finally settled in. What if I never wake up? Is this how I'll die, all alone? No! I will wake up. I will wake up. I will wake up! I keep repeating this to myself like its a mantra. But the question that haunts me is, how. How will I wake up? Should I- my inner babble is interrupted by the sound footsteps coming into the room.

I feel a comforting touch on my hand and I want to wake up so badly. More than anything I've ever wanted before. I want to wake up because I want to see him, Damon.

He starts talking, "Vanessa, please wake up. I need you. My day gets infinitely better when I just look at you. You're like the light in a pit of darkness. You're my light. Without you everything is so boring and drab and depressing. My life is spiralling down and down and I don't know how much longer I can hold on." At this point I can hear him sobbing and his voice is breaking. He's crying and his soft tears are falling on my hand. I just want to lift my hand and wipe them off. I want to hug him and tell him that everything's going to be okay. But I can't because I can't wake up. I feel frustration gnawing on me and eating through me.

"Please wake up. I just need to see your bright sapphire coloured eyes once more, shining with your inner goodness and joy. You make those around you so happy and are so kind but you don't even know it," he starts drawing circles on my knuckles and I feel slightly comforted. "Please wake up I don't know what I'll do without you," his voice sounds so hoarse and he sounds so broken. I feel a wave of guilt crash onto me. You are hurting him, you are causing him to cry. A nasty voice whispers in my head and I try to reason with it. I don't want to hurt him, I never meant to!

"I- I think I'm falling for you Vanessa, please wake up and smile that sweet innocent smile which I love. Please," he pleads and my heart starts beating so hard in my chest, I'm scared that it will break out. He likes you. He likes you. He likes you. A voice in my head chants and I smile happily, mentally of course. Then my mood gets completely ruined when the weight of the situation bears down on me. What if I never wake up and I never get to tell him that I feel the same way about him! Now I understand that I need to try harder to wake up. No, I need to try my hardest to wake up. I try to pry open my eye lids. The task seems impossible because if feels as though they are being held closed by a million huge rocks, weighing a lot.

Okay, well this isn't working, I tell myself. But I don't give up just yet. Not, when the thought of seeing Damon is fueling me. Seeing him and tell him how I feel about him. I feel most of my desperation transform into an iron hard resolve. I will wake up and I will wake up soon. I can still feel Damon holding onto my hand for dear life. His hand is soft and my hand in his just feels like it belongs. Then all of a sudden my hand feels cold because he lets go of it. Damon places a warm kiss on my forehead and my nerves start tingling. I am so filled with adrenaline that I automatically move my little finger. Damon says softly, "Goodbye, Vanessa. I hope I see you again."

I want to cry out and pull my hair in frustration. I moved my finger but he didn't notice! I try and try really hard to move it again or speak and tell him not to go, not to leave me alone. But I can't and that is making me very very angry. I feel as though a raging inferno is building up inside me. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why does my life have to suck so damn much? Why does everyone leave me? I know I'm behaving childish and am whining. I also know that doing this won't help anyone but I can't seem to stop.