Memories Are All She Has

33.A victory, tinged with loss

Vanessa's POV

I hear Jace's comment to Clary about us not being able to last much longer. That dashes my hopes of us getting out of this alive and more importantly saving our beloved race, the Shadowhunters. That makes me feel a little bit more discouraged and as the blood and sweat seem to ooze out of my body, I feel as though hope is falling out along with it too.

There are so many more creatures and warlocks for us to defeat. I feel especially bad about killing the creatures because they are not evil, they are just being mind controlled. At first I tried to spare the creatures by simply maiming them instead of killing them, but that plan backfired as they just came right back up to fight me. So, I realized that I couldn't afford to have to attack the same creature twice and then I started killing them. Even though each time I do that my heart seems to shrivel up a little more with guilt.

And, another thing taking up a lot of space in my mind is...Damon. He is standing to the warlock's side, watching us, helplessly. I keep sneaking glances at him, hoping with all my heart that he'll make the right choice and join our side. I keep hoping that he'll come and fight for us. But, as you probably guessed, he didn't. And that is disheartening. I feel hurt gnawing on my heart and I don't know what to do. Each time I look at him and realize that he's not going to come join me I feel my heart being crushed a little. And now that its happened so many times already, it feels like its been run over by a truck.

I feel totally conflicted right now. I don't know whether to see him as my enemy or my lover. Though at this moment it kind of seems like he's both. That thought makes me frown.

The room is filled with the coppery scent of blood and the air is echoing with pain filled cries. Every few seconds I keep my ears alert for screams from my friends. So far, there have been none and I'm immensely grateful for that.

I get so lost in thought that I don't notice Damon making his way through the creatures to stand beside me, until he's almost two inches away from me. The creatures don't even touch him, but I can't say the same for me. Their hard hooves are hitting my skin and making it throb with pain, and even bleed. But I go on fighting, mostly because I have no choice. Its either this or die, so yeah I'm sure you know which option is preferable.

Seeing Damon, standing so close to me, makes mg hands itch to touch him, to hold him. I almost can't fight the deep desire.

The air seems palpable with my attraction to him and I keep watching him out of the corner of my eyes, seeing, waiting, hoping for him to help.

"Vanessa," he says, his voice hoarse with emotion and I almost drop my sword. That one word makes me want to throw my arms around him and hold him, while he holds me. My love for him seems so big that it takes up my every thought even though we're in the midst of a battle. I let my body fight completely on instinct, built from all my years of training.

I sneak a look at him again and I see his beautiful brown eyes shut, his hand running across his face. I turn back to the battle and keep fighting, even though it feels as though my arms and legs are about to fall off and my mind is two seconds away from shutting down. I take in huge gulps of air from my mouth, my body needing it badly. My sweat drenched clothes stick to my skin and I wish I could have a cool shower.

I shake my head to clear such stupid thoughts. Oh, rather than wishing for a shower, I should wish to get out of this alive. I digest that painful thought and keep fighting as though it didn't affect me, even though it does. But right now Damon's presence beside me is affecting me more. I still can't ignore him.

I glance at him again, this time to see him draw a sword from his scabbard and my whole world seems to light up. Every cell in my body suddenly seems like it has been re energized. Suddenly I feel like fighting twice as well as I am. A contagious grin appears on my face, threatening to split my cheeks in two, but I can't seem to mind. I feel like the love and pride I feel for him in this instant is showing through every pore in my body. Oh, Damon.