Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

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Bucky had mostly gotten over his initial repulsion about his arm. He had accepted it’s necessity when Tony had fixed it for him, and after all, he had lived with it for many years. But he still couldn’t help but look at it sometimes and feel a little monstrous and a little less than human. If he thought about it too hard, it made his stomach flip. People who loved him, namely Natasha and Steve, went out of their way to make sure he knew that they were comfortable with his bionic arm. Both of them stood on his left side purposefully or touched his left shoulder. They didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Bucky wondered if on the inside, it sickened them as much as it sickened him sometimes.

Bucky stood in front of his mirror that day and inspected his arm. The shadow of where the star used to be before Bruce scrubbed it off had long since faded and all that was left now was clean, shiny metal. He turned his shoulder and stared at it and in his head, he envisioned a more red white and blue symbol. He didn’t know if Steve would want anything having to do with his shield on Bucky’s arm, though. Standing in close proximity to or touching his arm was one thing. Bucky would understand if Steve didn’t want the new star painted with his shield in mind, but he figured he would ask anyway. It might be nice. It would be a powerful message to Hydra, anyway.

Bucky stared at his arm and remembered his nightmares, which had consisted solely of amputations without sedatives and shiny, cold metal in an underground Hydra base. Luckily, he must have been silent because he didn’t feel as though he had been screaming and no one had said anything. He still felt shaken, however, and frequently throughout the day had to pull himself out of deep, dark thoughts that consumed him, or else pinch himself to remind him that he was in the present and he was away and he was getting better.

He sort of wanted to talk to someone about it, but he didn’t want to burden Natasha or Steve. He didn’t think he could bare to see the heartbreak in either of their faces, so he wrote about it in his journal, but even then, it wasn’t quite enough. He felt as though he wanted to be held, or at least given some sort of human confirmation that he was O.K.

On a whim, Bucky returned to the bathroom and stripped off his shirt. He reached for the switch on the back of his shoulder and felt the sudden disconnection as his whole arm fell limp. He took it off and set it down on the bathroom counter and refused to look at it. He used only his right arm to pull his shirt back on. He felt okay, he decided, but he just didn’t want it right now. He turned around and left the bathroom immediately with plans to sleep or else write, but instead, he discovered Natasha in his bedroom, peering out of his window. She turned around as he entered the room and smiled at him and although he normally he felt a certain level of relief at seeing her, he felt a little embarrassed now. He had been so lonely before and he was glad that she was there, but he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to have to see her face him without an arm. It seemed particularly vulnerable, he felt naked. He didn’t know if he could explain to her why he hadn’t wanted to wear his left arm right then.

“Hey, how are you?” She asked and he watched her eyes take him in--empty sleeve and all. There were a few boxes of cookies on his bedside table that hadn’t been there before and didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky. He walked over and picked up the top one, tearing off the cardboard lid with his teeth and pulling the box out, even though he didn’t really want to eat right now. During his time at Stark Tower, he had become surprisingly adept at using only his right hand and part of him was a little embarrassed about that, too.

“What are these?” he asked.

“Thin mints,” Natasha said. She said nothing about his arm, which he was surprised to find that he resented. He wanted her to recognize it, not in a pitying way, necessarily, but if only in a neutral comment, so he could feel out what she was thinking. Now it felt like an elephant in the room. If he didn’t say anything, he’d feel uncomfortable, but he didn’t know what to say. “Didn’t have those when you were a kid, Grandpa?” She teased. He bit into one and shrugged.

“We had stuff like it,” he said somewhat dismissively. She smirked at him and reached across the bed to snatch the box from him. He let her take it.

“Fine, Mr. Hipster. You liked thin mints before they were cool, am I right?” She said, putting one between her teeth. Bucky really wanted to tease her back, but he seemed to be lacking the strength. He gave her a weak smile and sat down on his bed. “Is your arm okay?” There it was, like a small breath of relief. She didn’t sound repulsed, just… Concerned. She didn’t seem to care that he hadn’t even pinned up his left sleeve. She was so comfortable with every piece of him and the closeness was refreshing and comforting. He nodded his head in response.

“Weren’t we going to start working on our mission?” He asked. His arm had been mentioned. They could change the subject now.

“Yeah, like, a week ago. In case you don’t remember, we had technical difficulties,” Natasha said. She slid across the bed behind him to meet him, crunching her thin mints, hovering over his shoulder. He looked up at her, craning his neck. “Why? You feel up to it?” Bucky glanced down and although his left hand wasn’t there, it was as though he could still see it and feel it. He became hyper-aware of it’s presence just one wall over. Tony and Bruce had been right, it was an impressive, and deadly, piece of machinery. It reminded him of himself at his very core, he realized and his stomach took a sickening pitfall. He wet his lips nervously and nodded. Natasha stared at him. “Buck, we can put it off if you--”

“No, no, we can’t,” Bucky said quickly. “Ready or not, Hydra’s… Hydra’s there and it’s still a threat. I can work on being ready later.” Natasha leaned back on his pillows and he stared at his only hand and she stopped chewing her cookie. They sat there for a minute.

“You sort of blow me away sometimes, Bucky,” Natasha said and it took nearly a day for her words to really sink in for Bucky and when they finally did, he was so elated by them that he could have done cartwheels.