Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

92 Journal

They took a plane to Russia, just the three of them, because Fury had decided that they made a good team, and that two Avengers plus the Winter Soldier should be able to get a job done, no matter how much Bucky had his screaming doubt inside.

He was restless and fidgety. He fussed over Steve more than usual because he was nervous until Steve jumped down his throat about being fine, I’m fine Buck, geez, my wounds were okay days ago, alright, yeesh!! And Natalia gave him that look and pointed to his seat next to her until he sheepishly sat down and buckled himself back in and she took his right hand and rubbed it gently in order to be soothing, but it didn’t help much.

He just couldn’t help being scared. He was just so afraid because he was going back in and he was still so broken, so unpredictable, and he didn’t know when he’d just break down. He put his left hand into his jacket pocket and although he couldn’t necessarily feel his book, he could tell when his fingers didn’t meet that it was still there, he was holding it, even if he couldn’t see or feel. He rubbed the cover and pulled his hand back out of his pocket and sat there, staring out of the window nervously.

And that was the thing. He didn’t know when he’d just break down. Or when something would go wrong and he would be grabbed.

I’m not going back, I’m never going back, I’ll die first.

And Bucky felt so conflicted, because on the one hand, he would definitely die before becoming the Winter Soldier again. He couldn’t live with that, he couldn’t do it. But on the other hand, he had the nicest picture in his head of sitting at a fancy dinner table with Natalia in candlelight and music in the background and he’d promised her, alright, he’d promised that he’d live for her and he wanted to, but…

But the reality was so much darker, so much more complicated. If it came down to it, as much as he wantedto live, it might not be an option. The Winter Soldier was too dangerous to live, too damaged to truly survive, and too broken to deserve it.

No, no, no. He deserved it. It was Hydra, it was Hydra’s fault, all their fault, he was a victim, a weapon and he deserved life. He did and he had to keep telling himself that. But that didn’t make the rest of his thoughts untrue.

He couldn’t live as the Winter Soldier and the Winter Soldier couldn’t live regardless.

Oh, but Natalia… Her eyes when he’d promised, like she truly trusted him and he wanted to be there for her.

“Ow, James, ouch!” Natalia. Bucky looked over and saw that he was gripping her hand, hurting her, and he let go in an instant, stunned and ashamed and apologetic.

“Nat, I’m so sorry, are you okay?” Bucky said and Steve looked up, stirring from where he’d fallen asleep across from them. “I didn’t mean to.” Natalia rubbed her hand and Bucky felt awful. He didn’t know how to fix it.

“It’s okay,” she said.

“You don’t have to say okay if it’s not okay,” Bucky said and Natalia looked at him and even though she was still rubbing her hand, she cracked a bit of a smile and rolled her eyes.

“It’s okay, James,” she said. “Don’t flatter yourself, you don’t have super strength. You just pinched me.”

“What happened,” Steve mumbled.

“Nothing, close your eyes,” Natalia instructed Steve and he mumbled something again and put his head back against his reclined seat and fell back asleep. “You old people,” Natalia laughed a little to herself quietly and Bucky smiled. “Are you okay, James?” She asked suddenly, looking up at him and he frowned.