Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

49 Promise

49 Promise

“Next Wednesday,” Natasha said. “They’re going to try again and it looks like this time, they’re not leaving without him.” Bucky swallowed nervously as he listened. “They’re going to get you and me ‘out of the way’ first, whatever that means,” Natasha said, gesturing to Steve. “I don’t think they want us fighting with him or going after him. And then,” Natasha turned to Bucky. “They’re going to shoot you with tranq, but from a distance, so you never have a chance to fight them off. Then they’re going to take you away and load you onto a helicopter and start wiping you before you even hit ground.” Bucky stared at the floor, his stomach doing flips at the thought, and crammed his hand into his jean pocket. There was a long silence and then Bucky looked up.

“What are we gonna do?” He said quietly. His head was still pounding from the contents of that folder and he still felt shaken, still panicky. Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t Hydra wait, he’d just barely gotten out of the hospital! But he knew why. This wasn’t a game, there would be no going easy. Right when he was down, that’s when they would hit the hardest. And oh were they hitting now.

“Don’t worry, Bucky,” Steve said. “They’re not going to take you."

"But what are we going to do, Steve?!" Bucky cried.

"Hey, its okay," Natasha started and she reached out to touch Bucky, but he pulled away, feeling something choking him now, like a pressure, like a panic.

"No, it's not!" Bucky cried. "They're just gonna keep coming! Why won't they just stop, why can't they just leave me alone!!" There was another silence and Steve swallowed audibly.

“We can talk about this tomorrow, if you want,” he suggested and Bucky nodded weakly.

“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t-I can’t” deal with this right now, Bucky tried to say but ended up cutting himself off. “I’m just gonna go to bed,” he finally said frustratedly, gritting his teeth and brushing past Steve and Natasha and, instead of going into his room, dropping exhaustedly onto his couch across the room and sinking into the cushions and closing his eyes. After a while, someone joined him, Natasha, it seemed, by the curve of her waist and the closeness of her heat, and she leaned into him and put her head on his shoulder. He looked over at her, closing her eyes as well, and then leaned back again, taking a deep breath. He didn’t have to be alone.

That night, Natasha opened her eyes and checked on Bucky. He seemed to be fast asleep, his arm around her and his breathing steady. Steve had left for his own apartment hours ago. Natasha stood slowly, careful not to disturb Bucky, and pulled out her cell phone, walking into the kitchen where he wouldn’t be awoken by her whispering, then she dialed a number.

“I got your message,” Natasha said as quietly as she could into Director Fury’s answering machine. “And I don’t understand. You keep saying you have eyes on us and you’re watching us, but where were your eyes when he was being dragged out of a window? Where are your eyes when there are repeated threats on his safety?! Shouldn’t you be protecting him? You can spare an agent here and there to give us some back up over here, Fury.” Natasha was pacing, she was raising her voice. She realized this now and stopped, looking over to Bucky. He hadn’t moved. She swallowed and turned around. She wasn’t going to get mad, not now. “There’s been another threat that I’m sure you’re ‘already aware of’. We don’t know what to do.” Natasha didn’t want to admit out loud that she was afraid, but she was sure he would be able to hear it in the way her voice shook. “Get back to me soon.”

Natasha hung up and set her cell phone on Bucky’s kitchen counter, returning as silently as she could to his side on the couch. As she settled herself back into him, he stirred a little and looked over at her with tired eyes.

“Who was that?” He mumbled. She looked down and back up at him, inches from his face.

“Did I wake you?” She asked and took a piece of hair out of his face, smoothing it back gently. “It was Fury. I was leaving a message.”

“It’s fine,” he said back, about her waking him, and she watched the way his mouth pursed. “I’d rather be awake tonight anyway. What did you say?”

“I…,” Natasha sighed. “I was telling him about the threat. I want him to send us some sort of back up.”

“Will that help?” Bucky asked.

“It better,” she replied and he closed his eyes again in an almost relaxed gesture, but his eyebrows were furrowed.

“I’m scared,” he whispered to her.

“I know,” she said, staring into his face. “I am, too.” Then, after a second, she said, “Were you-”

“Having nightmares?” Bucky finished for her, shifting. He blinked exhaustedly and sucked in a breath. “Not as bad as I thought I’d be.”

“Is it about that folder?” Natasha asked and he nodded.

“Thank you for staying with me,” he said. “Thank you.” He looked over at her and his eyes had so much hurt and he suddenly seemed overwhelmed again, she could tell.

“Shhh,” she said. “Shush, it’s nothing.” She looked down and could feel him gingerly and apologetically kiss the top of her head, but reached up and caught his face before he pulled away, cupping her hands around his cheeks and looking up and kissing him directly on the mouth. “We should go out to dinner again once this all calms down,” she said.

“You can imagine that far into the future?” he scoffed.

“I don’t think it’s as far as you believe,” she replied. He hesitated.

“I can’t promise you anything, Nat,” he said back quietly.

“Why?” Natasha asked, even though she knew why. He didn’t expect to live through this, of course. She felt anxiety seize her heart.

“Because…,” Bucky said. “I just can’t.” Natasha sat up and turned to him.

“James Buchanan Barnes, you promise me that one day in the future, when you’re safe and we’re happy, you’re going to put on a nice suit and I’m going to wear a dress and we’re going to go to the most expensive restaurant in DC and make fools of ourselves and kiss each other until we’re both red, you promise me that right now,” Natasha said, trying not to let her voice shake even though she could feel her emotions stick like a lump in her throat and Bucky looked at her like a wounded puppy.

“Natasha,” he said quietly.

“James,” she replied, swallowing. “I’m not giving in until you promise me. And you might be surprised at how persistent I could be.” Bucky stared at her breathlessly, shaking his head. “I know what you’re thinking, I can see it in your eyes, that if you promise me, you can’t die, but that’s what I want, okay, you cannot die.” Bucky seemed to be thinking a million things at once and promising her wasn’t one of them. He just looked at her. She sucked in a shaking breath and sunk back down. “Please promise me.”

“I…,” Bucky whispered, as though he were going to do it, but then he stopped and was silent. “I’ll promise you tomorrow night.”

“Okay,” Natasha whispered back, even though she wasn’t sure he would do it.