Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

73 Trust

It was absolutely killing Steve that Bucky didn’t trust him anymore. He could still hear Bucky’s voice, angry, bitter, What, am I supposed to trust you? Yes! Steve had wanted to shout. Please, trust me!!

He used to be able to take pride in the fact that he was honest. He tried to always be honest because he so desperately hated being lied to. It twisted his stomach now, knowing that desperation had drawn him to the point where he would lie to his best friend and he couldn’t forgive himself. He wanted to be trustworthy, he wanted to be able to be there for Bucky, but he had destroyed that for the both of them.

What, am I supposed to trust you?

Steve could see Bucky reaching for him, he could feel the screaming train next to his body, he could see Bucky fall.

Trust you? That’s a joke.

Steve couldn’t take it, he couldn’t stand the guilt. It was too much.

And Natasha, she lived in lies and secrets and Steve knew that even before this, she had begun to see them all biting back at her. Neither her or Steve even knew where to begin making it up to Bucky.

Natasha was lying on his couch now, her feet up on the armrests, her hands folded across her chest.

“Did you talk to the landlord today?” She asked.

“No,” Steve said. “Did you?” She nodded.

“He’s sick of the night screaming again,” she replied. “And the… The Hydra break-ins and the ‘general unsuitable behavior for regular tenants’.” Natasha made a face, imitating the landlord’s voice and using air quotes.

“The man has a point,” Steve said. Natasha looked over at him.

“We can’t just let him kick Bucky out,” she said.

“No, I know,” Steve replied. Natasha let out a breath.

“I’m just really starting to hate this guy,” she said and turned to look at Steve again. “Do you know what he said to me? That… That…-” Natasha cursed foully. “He said ‘this is an apartment building, not a psych ward’. How dare he?”

“Did you give him the money?” Steve asked tiredly and she nodded.

“He’ll be quiet for now,” she said.

“How are we going to tell Bucky the guy wants him gone?” Steve asked.

“Well, normally, I wouldn’t,” Natasha replied.

“And look where that got us,” Steve said. He leaned over his knees and scrubbed his face exhaustedly. Natasha sighed heavily.

“I guess you’re right,” she admitted. “But… It just seems like he would be so much better off not knowing.” Steve glared at her.

“Did you learn nothing?” Steve demanded angrily. Natasha threw up her hands in defense, staring at the ceiling. Steve noticed that there were dark circles under her eyes.

“I know, I know, I’m just…,” she sighed. “I’m just saying. I’m not used to this. I’m trying to help.” Steve looked down.

“I know,” he said. “But so am I.” They sat that way for a long time, thinking, until Steve pulled himself up. “Well,” he said. “It’s not like it’s some horrible secret,” he said. “We just don’t want to do anything behind his back. And he’ll want to hear the complaints. We need to just say something to him.” Natasha looked at him and shifted on his couch.

“You’re right,” she said. “I’ll tell him tonight, okay?”

“You will?” Steve asked and Natasha looked at him, disgruntled.