Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

41 Healed

The next few days were quiet. Bucky’s throat felt better and he didn’t have anymore nightmares because Steve and Natasha fell asleep in chairs by his bed at night with him. They brought boardgames that they all played over his bed, complete with bets on winners and friendly bickering. Bucky was so grateful that they stayed with him, even though he could see the exhaustion in Steve’s eyes and noticed the way Natasha began to slur her words the more tired she got. He had tried to shoo them away, make them go back to their apartments and get rest in their own beds, but both of them refused him. They took shifts sometimes, though, where Natasha would stay with him for a few hours alone and hold his hand and then Steve would come back, having slept, and sit and draw various things and chat with him while Natasha slept back at home. All the while, Bucky felt as though they were re-teaching him how to be a friend and how to properly have Good Days and he loved them fiercely for it.

Natasha told Steve and Bucky about what Tony had said regarding Bucky’s arm and Bucky had felt a sinking feeling like a fear in his heart and Steve frowned and folded his arms across his chest angrily, as though Tony owed them anything more. Bucky was subsequently comforted for the rest of the day, although he repeatedly reasserted that yes he was fine and yes he knew it would be okay and he didn’t quite like it, but if he had to go on with one arm or search for some sort of normal medical replacement, then that was something he would have to do and he would appreciate it if Natasha and Steve would have some faith in him. And he did feel that way, but he also kept hidden that sinking fear that told him that he was unwhole and inherently broken and would lose his life or else his freedom embarrassingly easy without the use of both of his arms.

On the fourth day in the hospital, because Bucky insisted to his doctors that he didn’t feel anymore pain and because the huge black and blue bruise that had been there had mysteriously vanished, Bucky got another x-ray. He hadn’t wanted an x-ray, he just didn’t want to lie to medical professionals. If his chest didn’t hurt, it didn’t hurt and that was it. He thought of the serum he remembered and felt a little ill, but he prayed that maybe something had happened and he simply had miraculously gone numb. Either way, miraculous numbness was not the case, they all knew that, and Bucky was forced to have that x-ray even though he didn’t like it one bit.

Bucky and Steve, because it was Steve’s shift, walked back to Bucky’s room behind doctors examining results and were quiet.

While looking at the x-rays, the doctors broke out into a commotion.

“It’s a miracle!” One of the doctors exclaimed.

“His ribs are almost completely healed already,” another said in shock. “This is entirely unheard of.” Bucky felt a sinking feeling in his stomach and he looked over from the doctors and to Steve standing in the doorway next to him. Steve had been staring at him and his face was a mix of emotions as Bucky watched him put the pieces together and Bucky wanted to vanish, he wanted to run, he felt somehow embarrassed or else guilty and he just wished Steve would stop looking at him like that, like suddenly it was Steve that didn’t know Bucky.

“How is that possible,” Steve asked.

“I don’t know,” Bucky replied hollowly.

“Did they do something to you,” Steve continued.

“They did a lot of things to me,” Bucky said.

“You know what I mean,” Steve said.

“I don’t know,” Bucky said again. “I don’t know, I don’t know. I can’t remember, I can’t see it, I, there was, there were needles, I think-” He was cut himself off, starting to shake, starting to breath hard, his hand on his forehead.

“Hey, look, it’s okay,” Steve said, putting a hand on his shoulder, leading him gently to his bed and sitting him down. “Breathe. If you don’t remember, then you don’t remember. We can talk about it in a minute, okay?”

“Okay,” Bucky said and tried to let himself be comforted. He waited while Steve asked the doctors to leave and the room became empty. Bucky still didn’t feel ready to have this conversation with Steve. He hadn’t even come to terms with it himself. He didn’t want it, he never wanted anything from Hydra, and especially not this. Steve shut the door as the last person left the room and came over to sit next to Bucky. They sat that way for a while, in silence.

“So what do you know?” Steve asked. Bucky was quiet for a moment. He wanted to be able to put it all into one cohesive sentence, he had to think.

“It’s all blurry,” Bucky said after a minute. He waited another minute and spoke again. “I get flashes.” Steve nodded and waited patiently. “I think… I think they, uh, gave me something… Something when they had me the first time. They, uh, tested it out, I think. And I lived. Through the test, I mean, and then, I guess, through everything else. I don’t know what it was, okay?”

“Do you know what it does?” Steve asked and Bucky looked downwards and thought.

“I’m not like you, if that’s what you mean,” Bucky said. “I’m no super-soldier.”

“I know,” Steve said.

“But I guess I can do this,” Bucky finished, gesturing to the x-ray pictures on the counter and then glancing down at his own chest. “Can you do this?” Steve shifted his weight and made a face.

“I’ll heal, yeah,” Steve said. “But I think five broken ribs would keep me down at least a little longer.” Bucky frowned and nodded.

“Okay,” he said.

“We could probably send in some blood tests, if you’d like to see for sure?” Steve prompted him gently and Bucky nodded.

“Let’s do that,” he said, staring down at the ground, frowning. Steve studied his face, and then smiled comfortingly and threw his arm around Bucky. He was sitting on Bucky’s left and he had to go around his metal half-shoulder, but Bucky didn’t mind Steve touching it as much as he minded Natasha. He just hoped the metal jutting out wasn’t poking Steve, because he couldn’t quite tell and all he could think was that that would be awkward and he would feel bad.

“Don’t look so down,” Steve said to Bucky, his head cocked and a smile on his face. Bucky glanced over at him and pursed his lips, unable to force a smile. “This isn’t a bad thing. This is, actually, this is a great thing, right? This means you’re way more resilient than you even thought yourself! Healing faster is definitely not something to feel bad about.”

“I didn’t want to be Hydra’s test dummy,” Bucky said although he knew that statement was at least a little untrue. Not about his wanting it, but about the test dummy part. They wanted him and him in specific. He was no test dummy. Sure, tests were done on him, he was tested, but not in any way that would have taken away his life. He was no guinea pig. Thinking about the number of people who were probably murdered cruelly in order to prepare this regenerative serum for him made him want to puke. But regardless of whether or not he was experimented on in the traditional sense, he was at least half-right. He didn’t want to be Hydra’s anything. He couldn’t be grateful for the things they’d given him. In fact, they just made him feel rather ill.

“I know,” Steve said quietly and since Bucky didn’t seem to be responding to it anyway, Steve took his arm back. “I know.”