Run (A Bucky Barnes Recovery Story)

94 Goodbyes

Two today because the previous one was so short. -BB

Bucky didn’t sleep much that night because every time he looked at Natalia, all he could think of was that promise and it kept him up and thinking dark, late-night thoughts. He wanted to say more to Natalia about it, and more than that, he wanted to leave her with something, he wanted to do something for her like he’d done for Steve, something to say goodbye and that he loved her. Just in case.

She was asleep next to him in the dark, sheets bundled around her face and she was so breathtakingly beautiful, her face relaxed and her hair tangled behind her and he rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb and laid down next to her again, looking at her face and trying to imagine what would happen to her if he had to break his promise.

“Natalia,” Bucky said quietly, trying to rouse her awake at least just a little and she stirred because she slept so lightly and her eyelids fluttered. She muttered his name into her pillow and smiled sleepily at him. He couldn’t muster a smile back. “I love you,” he told her and she closed her eyes again.

“Love you, too,” she said.

“Don’t miss me too much, ‘kay?” He said. “If anything happens. You shouldn’t feel sad.”

“What do you mean?” She mumbled. He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it gently before putting it back.

“Promise,” he said.

“Promise,” she replied and Bucky rolled over onto his back and stared at the ceiling until he thought he absolutely couldn’t anymore because all those memories of Hydra, everything he’d never wanted, was eating him alive from the inside out and he was beginning to feel the edges of panic, the trembling, the fear.

He was going back in.

He’d been suppressing the torrent of memories, reaching for his dam ever since they’d landed. He saw and heard Russian everywhere in a way he hadn’t in months and it brought back things he’d never wanted to see again, feelings and thoughts that he’d begun to believe he was getting over.

He was going back in.

He felt nausea in a deep-seated place inside him every time he closed his eyes because in the dark, he had innocent blood on his hands, he was this inhuman thing, he was again strapped to tables and chairs and chained to walls and he had nothing nothing-until he sucked in a breath and opened his eyes and looked over and Natalia Natalia Natalia you’re fine you’re safe you’re… You’re okay… Maybe not forgiven, maybe not whole or redeemed or ever truly, deeply okay… But at the very least, safe. And even loved. He could live with that, as long as he kept his eyes open and took deep breaths.

He was going back in.

And he might not come back out.

In the morning, when the sun came up, Bucky expected to feel the tired-eyed relief wash over him, like it usually did at the end of long nights, but today was different because today, he was going back, he had only hours left, and even with the sun coming through the window of their hotel room, it still felt like the depths of a Bad Night in the wake of a very, very Bad Day. Natalia awoke eventually and Bucky watched her stand and stretch and smile at him and he felt like he couldn’t smile back because he was the Winter Soldier and he didn’t smile, didn’t deserve happiness. He was even in Russia again. It was like he had taken a step back in time.

Bucky sat in the hotel room and listened to Natalia getting ready in the bathroom, comforting sounds because her presence made him feel so much less alone, and the water was running and she was humming and Bucky pressed his head against the wall where he had slid down to sit on the floor next to her door and knew he couldn’t close his eyes again. Then, unexpectedly, the water in the bathroom shut off abruptly.

“James?” Natalia called.

“I’m right here,” Bucky replied through the door. There was a pause.

“Did you say something last night?” Natalia asked finally. “I didn’t think I was dreaming, but…” Bucky pressed his mouth together and looked down at the ugly hotel rug underneath him.

“I didn’t say anything,” he said quietly.

“What?” She called.

“Nothing,” he said louder. “I-I didn’t… Say anything…”

“Oh, okay,” Natalia said and the water turned back on and then Bucky took a deep breath and called her name again and the water shut off for the second time. “Yes?” She called.

“I love you,” he said for the second time that day and put his head back against the wall tiredly. “I’m sorry for everything.”

“James, are you okay?” Natalia asked and she sounded so concerned and Bucky felt worse now for making her worry.

“Fine,” he said. “I’m just saying.”

“Okay then,” Natalia said and continued her shower and Bucky got up, pushing his hair back, seeing cryofreeze and being put out of commission like a tool, feeling fear, feeling disgust, feeling the absence of anything and everything. And he tried to think of Steve, who was so brave and had so much courage that it spilled over, who fought bullies behind tall buildings and begged to fight in a war that would kill him. Steve, who would be so much braver and so much better than him if the positions were switched. If it were Steve… Well of course, it wouldn’t be Steve, Steve was incorruptible. He wouldn’t have let them turn him into a monster in the first place. He would have gotten out of it, or else died like he was supposed to. Bucky realized that this wasn’t making him feel any better and he came to realize also that he had been pacing back and forth and stopped himself, forcing himself to sit down and he held up his hands and watched them tremble disappointedly. He wasn’t brave enough. But he was going to do it anyway.

When Natalia got out of the shower, her hair wet and beginning to curl, she sat down next to him and kissed his cheek and tried to talk to him, but he couldn’t focus on her long enough to hear what she was saying.

“Are you going to be okay?” He finally heard her say.

“I can’t… I have to do this,” he replied. “That’s just… That’s all I want you to know.” Natalia was silent for a while, then she looked up at him again.

“There’s a really nice place just off of Main Street back in DC, it’s open for dinners, it’s got a huge ballroom with chandeliers and private seating on the side,” she remarked. “Very high class.” Bucky stared at the ground.

“I’ll have to buy a suit,” he said.

“I already have my evening gown picked out,” she replied and he tried to smile. They sat there for a while, leaning against each other, and a thick sadness settled itself over them in layers. Natalia looked down and pulled her hair back and he glanced over just in time to catch her cover up the heartbroken expression on her face.

He thought he would feel better after he’d said goodbye to her. He thought it would make him feel more at ease with the situation, but if anything, he only felt worse.