I've got a lot to fucking update on.
I was in my room,crying,screaming I just didn't know what to do,I've been planing it for ages,iw as just waiting for everyone to be happy but I just wanted to be happy myself.
I was in to much if a state so I cut,real fucking deep.
Nothing really happened so ..I took an overdose again.
I started to feel ill,shake,sweat I went dizzy and strange,different then I have done before,it was working and I was scared.
As much as I wanted it to happen I was frightened.
So I messaged Emma,my internet best friend,she started to cry and get worried,it was nice to know she Cared.
My batter starts to die and I began very fucking tired.
I fell asleep.
I woke up and was sick feeling more and more ill and like it was the end,I dint know what to do.
I messages mark,he told me to call an ambulance but I couldn't,my mum and dad would find out.
I then promised him I would but I just couldn't,so I went to one of my other friends I new I could talk to,Sussie.
She began panicked but she talked me through it.
My friend lily who I was rather close to,came round after I told her,she ran round and forced me to tell my dad,what Susie also suggested.
I was scared but I did it,I just did it.
He screamed and yelled at me calling me stupid and pathetic and latter that day iw net to the hospital my mum telling me how much she hatted me on the way,she didn't want anything to do with me,so my dad came instead,as pissed as he was.
Me and my dad then got on and he started to understand.
They did blood tests and scans and lots of different things and asked me stuff and also saw all my new and old scars I begged them not to tell my dad,they where completely understand but very concerned about my health.
I explained why I did it and about my school fear about how I hate school and that's why I hardly go because it makes me feel sick and not many people,I mean no one except my dad and mum knows how much I hate school and it's hard to get me up because I hates school,I know people don't like school but I fucking despise it I'm scared of it,it frightens me.
I also told them about how I looked,how I hated myself.
Then about bullying and family problems and how my nan has cancer.
How this wasn't my first attempt.
They became concerned with my health and called my CAHMS team,who would see me the next day as they decided I had to stay in.
I became close with the doctor who called me her little girl and she was doing everything to help me.
She came and saw me in my room and said 'where's my little girl' and I was I. Room nine.
Is it Stupid that the first time I feel safe and happy is in a fucking hospital like a mental patient.
That's what I was.
I went home the next day after talking to the CAHMS team and them getting rather concerned about my health-mental health.
Lucky I didn't harm my body,except from of course self harm but I didn't get any organ failures like Susie was concerned I would get.
I now get calls every night to check on me and if they feel I need more help ill be taken into a phsycoatric ward for awhile.
After getting home I went to my aunties wedding my mum screaming at me telling me horrible things.
(She didn't even come see me when I was in hospital she dropped of my pjs and walked past me not even looking at me but knowing I was there.)
So that night I stayed at my auntie Kathy's whispers also my god mum,and she has been here and she then got in an argument with my mum because if how horrible my mum was being to me.
The next day mum said sorry as she came early and as we were sat down my mums phone rang.
She strategy crying and I looked at my godmum as my mum screamed,'mum won't wake up' meaning my nan,my heart dropped.
My Nan is one of my best friends.
No.
We rushed to my Nans my god mum too.
An ambulance was there,my mum started to go faint and I saw my nan get carried out.
Asleep,this is just what I wanted after coming out of hospital on just the day before.
My hole life broke down,my nan was clearly going to die.
And a day latter at 6:15 she did,whilst I was in her cubical in special care,I screamed and crried. Along with my family,my nan had just died.
I got a minuet alone and I told her how much I loved her and that she my best friend.
I couldn't stop crying.
I wish it was me dead,not her she was to perfect to be gone.
So here I am now,a reck and trust me I'm not going to survive long,whats there to live for.
However this is the end of my book and I will be starting my next one,which will be about helping to pick myself up from being down,it's not gonna work and I know that.
Because I want to be dead,because I have nothing except friends that I do love.
And there amazing.
Sussie was so happy to see me in school and it made me feel so good.
And Lilly she helped me so damn much.
So good bye to his book,please read my next one:) I love you
Blue x
