Today was terrible.
So I woke up late,my dad yelling at me,calling me a idiot and bitch and all that.
Got dressed and sat down to do my make up,tears streaming down my face from the way I look,physically not being able to cope with the way I look,scratching my face,slapping it getting aggressive with my self.
I then left and went to my friends ...Lily's ...to walk to school,she's bi and in a relationship with ....water....she came out to to her mum,crying but happy she did,her mum was totally fine,I'm so happy about that,I'm so proud of her,she's my best buddie,im gonna miss her.
I'm so glad she had the courage to tell her mum,i don't.
She's gonna be happy,im so glad,I love her.
We left a little earlier,it was nice,though all that was goon through my head is 'tonight,do it tonight'
And I tried to push it away I just couldn't.
We got to school and went to the music block,since being in such a bad mood I left from the crowd of people and went to see our friend...Layla.
She was sad,her and mark did something they both regret but they sorted it out and I'm so pleased about that.
They're gonna do just fine,I love them so,so much.
I then had house assembly and that went fine,the thought still in my head
My first lesson was science,I knew it was gonna be shit.
It was.
The hole class asking me about my sexuality and why I wear black and shit,making me just want to wrap a rope around my neck.
After that was music,where I came out to some of my friends,some shocked and others fine,I felt wrong and disgusted in myself,im so stupid.
Then came break where i just sat there not interacting with anyone since I didn't want to hurt them or make them miss me,it's the last thing I want,I just sat there wanting to cry.
Then came IT (ict) that was fine,I must admit in that lesson I was okay,then I remembered what was next,PE.
My anxiety kicked in and I began to feel really ill,I hate PE.
Although I had no choice,I walked into the toilet in the changing rooms,undressing myself revealing my disgusting body,I placed on my pe kit and fell to the floor,crying.
I looked horrible,fat and damn right repulsive,I wasn't doing or like this,I look down at my leg to see scars showing,defiantly not doing it.
I placed on my uniform on,trying to pull up my jeans,my button pinged off and that was enough to do it for me,it showed how fat I am,I ran out of the changing rooms when my friend Layla,the one I told u about saw me,holding me and sitting me down.
I couldn't speak through the crying.
She asked who's the one person I can talk to and I said - mark.
He was the person I wanted,my other friends were in pe,I didn't know where mark was but I needed him,he understand me,we found him,he left his lesson to make sure I was okay,I shaked in his arms and cried and told him I didn't want to be here,he replied ' I know but u are fuckface deal with it' in a joking way,he then told me it's gonna be okay,he helped.
Lunch then came and I was still as ruff as shit,I told mark I would wait for him,I did,he's trying to get me help,there's no use.
Instead I spent the hole lunch watching my friends,laugh smile and giggle.
Susie and let's call her perry where cuddling and smiling,they where in a relationship,I just found out there back together and im so happy for them.
Perry and Susie are one of my best friends and they help me so much no matter how crazy they are,I fucking love them.
My stupid beautiful best mates.
I looked at ...Lucy and ....James them both discussing tonight alive,I smiled knowing there happy.
They're fucking amazing people
The only one I'm worried for is mark,he's strong and needs to stay no matter how much he feels he can't.
My book is coming to an end and maybe today or in two weeks,it just won't be long.
Pain isn't the thing I want in life,I hate this.
I want to go.
I hate myself,I'm sat here crying and dying,I'm so sorry I love you.
Everyone's happy so I can go knowing that everyone had at least one thing to keep them going.
Me leaving won't effect anyone,I'm sorry for lying though.
Tonight,maybe so.
Blue xx
